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In just three weeks I will once again marry a beautiful and amazing woman and rejoin the ranks of the married. In preparing to go to Texas this week to get a marriage license I happened upon death certificates and the marriage license that my late wife and i gathered. Not that i really think I will need these, but there is part of me that just likes to be prepared for possible contingencies! But in looking at these tonight I cant help but remember and feel a bit sad knowing that life Heidi and I shared is gone and the pain associated with its very unexpected and tragic ending. So I find myself once again feeling the odd feelings of grief where I can feel both joy and sadness almost simultaneously tonight.
There is a huge part of me that is completely excited about this and yet part of me that still cries a few tears remembering my life that was. Will this ever change? I don't really know and that's ok. Personally I think I will always find times when remembering the loss will make me sad. Heidi and I shared a deep love and a marriage of almost 11 years. We were best friends and had two amazing children together. We were a great pair and she was my best and closest friend. Yet over 2.5 years ago that life we shared died on the night we lost her. No matter how much I loved that life, its gone and I cant ever go back. I will always be thankful for the years we shared. I will always feel so honored to have been Heidi's husband. But this will always be slightly colored with the pain over the loss, especially the loss of companionship, how the loss occurred, and the huge challenge it was to raise two small children on my own. I cant lie, this season has been the darkest and most painful years of my life.
And yet in spite of all that I can see how I have grown, I can see how the Lord has been faithful and carried me and been gracious to me as I walked this painful and difficult journey. I can see I have grown, I can see how I have (hopefully) become a better father, son, brother, and worker since the loss. And yet in spite of that I can still feel the pain when I remember too almost as strongly as in the early days of the journey. Its humbling and difficult, but is also a good reminder to me to live each day to the fullest and to make the most of every minute I have. So I guess though I want to run form the pain, I find I want to and think I need to never forget the lessons this has taught me.
Its amazing to see how this last year has seemed so radically different that the first 1.5 years. So much more hope, so much more joy, clear evidence of my passion and zest for life once again returning. In some ways its almost unbelievable to remember the loss as it in such contrast to where life is now. But what a gift! To find love again! Something that seemed so impossible after the loss. I mean I cant think of many widow/widowers I knew (especially with children) who did not feel "damaged" and "broken" by the loss such that they never at least at one time or another believed anyone could ever want them or much less want to be with them each and every day. But somehow that amazing miracle DID happen to me. (really I say It did! - Its like my mind almost still cant fully believe it, but its true!) and in three weeks I will once again marry the love of my life. Not because I'm desperate, or cant make it alone, but because I truly once again found someone I just could not live without. Someone who really loves me and that I love. Someone who really loves my kids too and who we just fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. And THAT really makes me feel joy and excitement.
So here I stand just about ready to get another marriage license and realizing both the extent of amazement at how far my heart has come, and as well as the wonder at how the Lord really can bring beauty out of ashes, joy out of mourning, and sunshine to chase away the darkness. And I know the road ahead will have its ups and downs, its blessings and its challenges, but what joy fills my heart to know that I will no longer walk this path and adventure in life alone. That hand in hand and the Lord binding us together we will embark on a new phase in life. Finding new life out of the ashes and bring yet another step in healing and rebuilding to our household. And I choose to embrace this new life and yet to know its ok and good that I will also always have part of me that will never forget. So here we go! I know there will be a lot to still earn on the way, but here is to continuing the journey and to living each day to the full because each and every hour I have is the most amazing gift there is...
Well I dont know if this made much sense to anyone, but blogging really helps me process and think through things especially when my heart is full of emotions. I hope this encourages someone out there. It sure has me! Keep walking everyone. I know just doing one little step at a time and talking about what i was feeling have helped me! May it also help you! ((HUGS))
Pat - aka NMWidower