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The joy and the bittersweetness in approaching remarriage
In just three weeks I will once again marry a beautiful and amazing woman and rejoin the ranks of the married. In preparing to go to Texas this week to get a marriage license I happened upon death certificates and the marriage license that my late wife and i gathered. Not that i really think I will need these, but there is part of me that just likes to be prepared for possible contingencies! But in looking at these tonight I cant help but remember and feel a bit sad knowing that life Heidi and I shared is gone and the pain associated with its very unexpected and tragic ending. So I find myself once again feeling the odd feelings of grief where I can feel both joy and sadness almost simultaneously tonight.
There is a huge part of me that is completely excited about this and yet part of me that still cries a few tears remembering my life that was. Will this ever change? I don't really know and that's ok. Personally I think I will always find times when remembering the loss will make me sad. Heidi and I shared a deep love and a marriage of almost 11 years. We were best friends and had two amazing children together. We were a great pair and she was my best and closest friend. Yet over 2.5 years ago that life we shared died on the night we lost her. No matter how much I loved that life, its gone and I cant ever go back. I will always be thankful for the years we shared. I will always feel so honored to have been Heidi's husband. But this will always be slightly colored with the pain over the loss, especially the loss of companionship, how the loss occurred, and the huge challenge it was to raise two small children on my own. I cant lie, this season has been the darkest and most painful years of my life.
And yet in spite of all that I can see how I have grown, I can see how the Lord has been faithful and carried me and been gracious to me as I walked this painful and difficult journey. I can see I have grown, I can see how I have (hopefully) become a better father, son, brother, and worker since the loss. And yet in spite of that I can still feel the pain when I remember too almost as strongly as in the early days of the journey. Its humbling and difficult, but is also a good reminder to me to live each day to the fullest and to make the most of every minute I have. So I guess though I want to run form the pain, I find I want to and think I need to never forget the lessons this has taught me.
Its amazing to see how this last year has seemed so radically different that the first 1.5 years. So much more hope, so much more joy, clear evidence of my passion and zest for life once again returning. In some ways its almost unbelievable to remember the loss as it in such contrast to where life is now. But what a gift! To find love again! Something that seemed so impossible after the loss. I mean I cant think of many widow/widowers I knew (especially with children) who did not feel "damaged" and "broken" by the loss such that they never at least at one time or another believed anyone could ever want them or much less want to be with them each and every day. But somehow that amazing miracle DID happen to me. (really I say It did! - Its like my mind almost still cant fully believe it, but its true!) and in three weeks I will once again marry the love of my life. Not because I'm desperate, or cant make it alone, but because I truly once again found someone I just could not live without. Someone who really loves me and that I love. Someone who really loves my kids too and who we just fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. And THAT really makes me feel joy and excitement.
So here I stand just about ready to get another marriage license and realizing both the extent of amazement at how far my heart has come, and as well as the wonder at how the Lord really can bring beauty out of ashes, joy out of mourning, and sunshine to chase away the darkness. And I know the road ahead will have its ups and downs, its blessings and its challenges, but what joy fills my heart to know that I will no longer walk this path and adventure in life alone. That hand in hand and the Lord binding us together we will embark on a new phase in life. Finding new life out of the ashes and bring yet another step in healing and rebuilding to our household. And I choose to embrace this new life and yet to know its ok and good that I will also always have part of me that will never forget. So here we go! I know there will be a lot to still earn on the way, but here is to continuing the journey and to living each day to the full because each and every hour I have is the most amazing gift there is...
Well I dont know if this made much sense to anyone, but blogging really helps me process and think through things especially when my heart is full of emotions. I hope this encourages someone out there. It sure has me! Keep walking everyone. I know just doing one little step at a time and talking about what i was feeling have helped me! May it also help you! ((HUGS))
Pat - aka NMWidower
Views: 305
Comment
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Comment by Joyce on May 24, 2012 at 9:40pm -
Oh Pat, I'm so happy for you. You don't know how many times since I joined late last year that I've read different blogs and comments you wrote that really really helped me. So thanks so much for being here and sharing and lots of Good Luck and hugs being sent your way.
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Comment by jean on May 24, 2012 at 8:47pm -
Pat, I am so happy for you all! What a wonderful gift you have found. :o) Thank you so much for being here for me when I first joined and sharing your journey with us all. Much love goes out to you and your new family. Here's to you, my friend. You're making it and doing a fine job. ((((Hugs))))) Congratulations! *doing a happy dance* I get so excited when one of us finds love and happiness again. This is after all, what we are all here for. It's not about money, things or power, it's all about love. Take care of you and those precious girls of yours. All three of them! I know they will take care of you too. The Lord has blessed you all.
May He show us all the way to a happy future no matter what that future holds for each of us.
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Comment by Krista Westervelt (whoknows) on May 24, 2012 at 6:42pm -
Can't say I blame you. Can't be too careful. You don't want to end up with the one clerk who didn't get the memo.
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Comment by NMWidower on May 24, 2012 at 6:27pm -
At Krista, they actually DONT require the death cert, but I'm bringing it just to be safe! Its silly, but I dont want to not get our license as this is our only chance before the wedding :-P But it is good to check these things!
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VOLUNTEER Comment by Supa Dupa Fresh on May 24, 2012 at 6:25pm -
I'm so happy for all of you!!!
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Comment by SallyStarre on May 24, 2012 at 5:54pm
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Pat - so very happy for you. God Bless
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Comment by Krista Westervelt (whoknows) on May 24, 2012 at 5:04pm
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Congratulations, Pat! :)
You can probably find the paperwork requirements for a Texas marriage license online. I know most places require you to provide divorce decree or death certificate if you have been married previously, to prove you're not a bigamist.
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Comment by NMWidower on May 24, 2012 at 2:51pm
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Thanks everyone. I am choosing to embrace this new life. And think I am finally coming to find that mystery of balance in the past life and the life ahead. Its exciting to think of what lies ahead and knowing its ok to still have sadness at times in remembering. Here is to living each and every day to its fullest. I think I am so much better prepared for marriage this time and will pour even more of my heart and soul into this to be the best husband I can be... Thank You LORD! It is very humbling to see how much you have shown your faithfulness and love for us these last 2.5 years. Thank you for the joy that is coming in the morning...
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Comment by Jackie (lvgma) on May 24, 2012 at 1:21pm -
Congrats Pat, I too after being widowed the first time found a wonderful exciting love. I treasured my new gift and we had amazing marriage, he passed 10-22-2010. I don't know if it will ever happen again, but life and love lives on. Im so excited for you and the girls, and too for your new bride.
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Comment by Susan B on May 24, 2012 at 11:03am -
thanks for sharing our thoughts with us Pat. We like to sometimes think of life as something that happens in neat, tied-up packages, each emotion or event separate from another. Your words tell us that which we feel, but somehow don't acknowledge: that with pain can come pleasure, with sorrow can come joy, with despair can come hope. Life is like a kalaidescope; moving changing shifting. it's up to us to make sense of it and in the early stages of grief, that can seem impossible. As time goes on we see bits or glimmers of hope that life will change again for the positive. I'm so happy for your positive change and that life has shown you joy again. All good things to you and your new wife. I hope you continue to visit and contribute--your'e a valuable member of WV.
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