A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
It's been a week of extremes and ironies. June 11th was Paul's birthday. June 12th was my birthday. June 13th was the 4 month mark since the day my sweetheart died. I did surprisingly well on Paul's birthday. I was melancholy but not sobbing and inconsolable. I received two nice phone calls telling me that they would know it would be a hard day and were thinking of me (MIL and BIL). Then on my birthday, I started the first session of an 8 week Hospice Grief Support Group. Again, I did not cry at the meeting - but I didn't talk about the dates either. The 13th was pretty uneventful also. I don't remember being overly emotional at all. Don't know if I even cried. The 14th came, and the depression set in. Replaying, and replaying that day in my mind. Wanting the outcome to be different. Examining every detail. And then feeling so overwhelmed by having to think about paying for car repairs, and how I have to now pay rent again, and that I am living paycheck to paycheck, and what a dumbass I was for not saving any money, and for not signing Paul up for the 20k life insurance in the first 30 days of my job, and how I've lost my husband, moved, moved again and now have my brother as a roomate (which is great - but he has too put up with my negativity and rage), and how everything is different now and I'm still not ready for it to be that way. I came home at lunch today, went to the bathroom and just started sobbing. Deep hurtful cries of despair. I don't want my husband to be gone. I don't want to accept this. I struggle and kick and spit and curse and bite trying to get free of it. But Death will always win. He's just waiting..waiting for me to tire myself out before I must accept his ultimate authority to take from me. I sit on the toilet sobbing while Death sits in the corner...grinning. I felt so bleak.
Yet my hope is not entirely gone. My God still lives. I know that he is waiting for me to turn my attention away from the smirk of Death's cold face. He is waiting for me to want to be in his warmth and grace again. To want to smile and laugh, and feel the warmth of the sun. My God is so patient and understanding. He will wait until I am ready, and then I know he will still have me.