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Extremes and Ironies
It's been a week of extremes and ironies. June 11th was Paul's birthday. June 12th was my birthday. June 13th was the 4 month mark since the day my sweetheart died. I did surprisingly well on Paul's birthday. I was melancholy but not sobbing and inconsolable. I received two nice phone calls telling me that they would know it would be a hard day and were thinking of me (MIL and BIL). Then on my birthday, I started the first session of an 8 week Hospice Grief Support Group. Again, I did not cry at the meeting - but I didn't talk about the dates either. The 13th was pretty uneventful also. I don't remember being overly emotional at all. Don't know if I even cried. The 14th came, and the depression set in. Replaying, and replaying that day in my mind. Wanting the outcome to be different. Examining every detail. And then feeling so overwhelmed by having to think about paying for car repairs, and how I have to now pay rent again, and that I am living paycheck to paycheck, and what a dumbass I was for not saving any money, and for not signing Paul up for the 20k life insurance in the first 30 days of my job, and how I've lost my husband, moved, moved again and now have my brother as a roomate (which is great - but he has too put up with my negativity and rage), and how everything is different now and I'm still not ready for it to be that way. I came home at lunch today, went to the bathroom and just started sobbing. Deep hurtful cries of despair. I don't want my husband to be gone. I don't want to accept this. I struggle and kick and spit and curse and bite trying to get free of it. But Death will always win. He's just waiting..waiting for me to tire myself out before I must accept his ultimate authority to take from me. I sit on the toilet sobbing while Death sits in the corner...grinning. I felt so bleak.
Yet my hope is not entirely gone. My God still lives. I know that he is waiting for me to turn my attention away from the smirk of Death's cold face. He is waiting for me to want to be in his warmth and grace again. To want to smile and laugh, and feel the warmth of the sun. My God is so patient and understanding. He will wait until I am ready, and then I know he will still have me.
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Comment
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Comment by Dianne in Nevada on June 16, 2012 at 9:53am -
As hard as these times are, Ali, it is wonderful to read your last paragraph and know that HOPE still lives in your heart. I believe that is the key to finding your way through this. Hope Matters!
It's normal and necessary to have those cries of despair overtake us from time to time. Missing our loves cuts so deep and all of the changes in our lives are so hard to accept. Add in money issues, the moves, day-to-day problems and those important dates and it's no surprise you were overwhelmed. I actually think it's helpful to let it all out like that.
And after those meltdowns, you take a deep breath, open that door and put one foot in front of the other. You will survive this - one day at a time - and, yes, (our) God is so patient and understanding ... He's there to help you find your way back.
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Comment by Suz on June 16, 2012 at 1:07am -
Ali, I think your God loves you more than we could ever imagine. i believe he will wait for you.
Hugs,
Suz
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Comment by Lisa ( Marielee) on June 16, 2012 at 12:07am
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Ali- you described exactly how I felt - I am slowly turning the corner at 2 years in and Yes , my God ( our God) is there with open arms- loving, excepting and offering a life of hope and a future with him -Hold on sweetie and it will get better. Just keep holding on and breatheing. Blessings and hugs - Lisa
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Comment by celestia (Suzanne) on June 15, 2012 at 9:24pm -
(((Ali))) My heart goes out to you. You really are in the thick of it, it gets easier but until then...just one day at a time (trite, I know, but also true.)
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Comment by janet on June 15, 2012 at 8:19pm -
Wow, Ali. I totally get it. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. (((((HUGS)))) being sent your way.
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