A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
three months
In a few short hours it will have been 3 months ago that I lost my love, my world, my everything. I wish so much I could just go back in time and do something to change the events of that night. First of all I would have spent more time with him that morning when I was leaving for work and he was getting ready to go to bed ( he worked nights). He asked me to stay longer and "not to worry so much about being late for work"... Of cource I hate being late, so I rushed off anyway. We did say I love you, but no kiss goodby. I guess I just didn't have time for that... I remember turning to say I love you as I left, and he was sitting in his chair watching tv, he said "be good", and I Ieft. That was the last time I saw him. I went about my normal hectic day at work. I remember getting a call from him around 5pm on my cell, like he would always do to let me know what he wanted for dinner ( I know, I babied him, but loved it). I didn't take the call becasue I was still at work dealing with a distraught Resident who was trying to leave the facility. She was crying, and I was trying to consol her and fix the problem so I could leave and go home. So I missed that opportunity to have one last conversation with him. Eventually problem resolved and I went home. On the way home it was raining, looked like I had just missed a storm that had come through. I remember thinking, Oh good,storm is over, he should be fine driving home tonight (we both had long a long commute) Got his message he wanted Hamburgers, mashed potatoes and corn for dinner. OK, fine, I cooked it and wrapped up a plate for him to eat when he got home. Only he never did. I woke up at 4:30 am by police at my door. He was not in bed next to me as he normally would have been, not too unusual though I don't always wake up when he gets home, just thought he was working late, or maybe was still up watching tv. I got up went to the door to be told that "a car registeried in your name was in an accident". Of cource I knew it was him. I asked "is he ok??" still not fully panicing, just an accident... They say they don't have any details I have to call the MD state police. They gave me the number and I abruptly shut the door and ran for the phone to call. As I was calling I was thinking, boy is he gonna be mad about the dammage to his new car... That is when my world ended right there when I heard the words "I'm sorry your husband is deciced". I say What?? they repeat it back to me again. From there it is a blur. I remember having trouble breathing, and began to hyperventalate. Then the local police were back at the door. Had to go answer. They say "are you oK" Really, am I ok??? HELL NO! Not sure what I actually said, but shut the door on them. I later found out, there was "heavy rain" and he hydroplaned off the road, died instantly.
I miss him so much, feels like a part of me died with him. I have to figure out what to do with my life now. What to do with my new life that I never wanted, and never expected to have, not yet, not like this. where will I be in three more months, in 6 months, a year, 5 years? I have NO IDEA. That is really scary. At least if he were here we would have each other. I am the only one now. I have to make all major decions alone. I am so sick of making decions. It has been one decision after another, after another since that night. Where will he be buried? What kind of service? pick out a casket, pick out flowers, decide on the headstone, decide on a plot, for just him or for both of us, Do I move, if so where? Quit work or wait t find a new job, if so, where? After making all of the above decions, I find I sometimes have the hardest time with some of easy ones, like, what to eat for dinner, or what to wear. Sounds silly I'm sure, but it's true. So I have decided to move. Going to stay with family for a while. Quit my job, whithout a new one yet. I wonder what he would think of all the decisions I have had to make so far. Would he agree, or think I'm nuts? Sometimes I really do think I'm loosing it. Like today when I yelled at our cat to get off of his pillow....He hates that I yelled at her. Yeah, like he's really mad about that right now...
OK, sorry for rambling on. Feels good just getting this out. I hope to be able to sleep at least a little. Last two night he has been in my dreams. Like it's a memory I'm having, not a dream. Till I wake up that is...
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Comment
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Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on June 21, 2012 at 9:57pm -
Paula, so sorry for your loss. Yes, the decisions are hard...especially when you "just dont know"..and everything is coming at you all at once. It is a lot to dealt with, a lot to handle..so try to be easy on yourself. its true, sometimes the simple decisons are the hardest ones to make. love to you. ali
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Comment by Booh 2 on June 20, 2012 at 9:08pm -
Oh Paula I'm so sorry. That was a horrible way to find out and worse yet that it even happened. I can actually picture the whole thing from your description and know that feeling of total shock. What? Not my husband - you people are crazy. But unfortunately they weren't. I know what you mean about all the decisions. My husband was so organized (I used to be) and handled all the bills, repairs, our cars, yadda, yadda and the list goes on. I panic every time something breaks. My friends have been awesome but I have an extremely hard time asking any one for help and don't foresee that changing - it's just me. I don't like to burden people when they have their own stuff to deal with. Stupid part is it does make them feel better to help. Your feelings of not knowing what to do with your life now really hit home. Just kind of floundering around for one day to the next. I was doing OK today, took a nap and woke up almost in a panic attack with all the same feelings you are having and just feeling very alone. I've been trying to move more toward the Lord for help. Not doing as much as I should in that direction but it has helped some. When my husband was alive, I fell asleep on the couch a lot which is near the door my husband used to leave for work. I always woke up when he was leaving except the day he died. If I had I might have been able to stop him but that wasn't meant to be. Don't feel guilty that you rushed out to work. It's what you usually do and you had no way of knowing. If we did,we would all do things so differently. I think what you're doing with moving is very smart if it will make you feel better. There are days I come home and say I gotta get out of here but too soon for me. It would cost me a lot more to live anywhere else which is a big consideration. I wish you well and hope everything turns out wonderful for you. Hang in there, it will get easier.
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Comment by Lynne on June 20, 2012 at 6:26pm -
Paula, again, I SO understand what you're saying - I don't eat at the dining room table alone and I don't hang out in the living room alone, either. Unless there are people over, those rooms pretty much go unused anymore. When you've been in a long marriage, there are routines that the two of you share and are comfortable and happy with - and now we have to readjust and find new ways to be happy and to live our lives. It's going to a process, for sure, and it will take time - perhaps a lot of time, actually. I think there's a very good chance that I may simply decide to sell this house and get something different - something that more closely fits the way I live now. Who knows...it's still early in the grief process and maybe I won't feel like this later. Just thinking out loud, I guess.
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Comment by edswife(Paula) on June 20, 2012 at 5:57pm -
Thank you all for you comments. This was a really hard to one to write, but glad I did. Yes, I miss the simple little conversations we would have, and the routine we had gotten into with dinner, watching tv etc. I find I have to watch tv upstairs now, feels weired just looking at his empty chair. I also don't eat at the table anymore, unless there is family here or something. Overwhelming is a good word to describe it all.
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Comment by Lynne on June 20, 2012 at 4:50pm
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Paula, it will be three months for me, as well, next week. I so hear what you're saying and the word that always comes to mind for me is "overwhelming"...that's how I feel most of the time, simply overwhelmed by everything. I had a very similar experience to yours, in that I got called to the ER where my husband was already dead from a massive heart attack. No time to prepare, no warning, no prior medical diagnosis, no good-byes...nothing. Just one second, everything was normal, and the next, my world turned upside down and I lost my husband (and my life) of almost 41 years. You aren't "rambling on" - you're just trying to articulate everything that's going on in your heart and mind and, trust me, we all get it. I'm glad that sharing it made you feel a bit better and I certainly find that it does for me, too. Wishing you peace and healing. Lynne
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Comment by Suz on June 20, 2012 at 3:48pm -
Paula,
i understand. Even thought Jud was sick for fourteen months, I, too, wish there were things I could have done differently. And I am sick and tired of making decisions and would give anything for Jud to walk in the door again and take over.
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Comment by kcc - NM on June 20, 2012 at 2:39pm
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Wow, I can't believe others are experiencing the exact same things that I am. It will be three months on 6/24. I hate that I have no one to talk to and tell my day to. Every day I say good morning and good night to his picture and tell him I hope he had a good day in heaven. We used to have "cocktails on the patio" after work, and now I can't even stand to go out there to sit. After 37years of marriage, I can't believe there's no one in my house or my life.
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Comment by LaurieR on June 20, 2012 at 11:02am -
I will be at 3 month on July 8. I hate that fact that Ron is not here to talk to. I miss our conversations. I miss his arms around me. I miss him trying to protect me. (I can look after myself but he always tried, I loved that about him). The decisions are killing me also. I don't want to eat. I can't sleep, some days are better than others for sleeping. I have a sister who wants me to go on meds which I will not unless it gets worse.
I hope you find comfort in staying with your family. Be kind to yourself. The cat will forgive you and ramble on if you need to.
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Comment by topwag (Becky) on June 20, 2012 at 9:18am -
Paula... you are so early into this journey. It does get somewhat better... or maybe different and more tolerable... certainly not better. My heart embraces you and you are right.... so many decisions and so little energy to do it. My husband has been gone for 14 months and I so remember the decisions and trying to put together a memorial... it was all a fog. Keep the faith and blessing to you. You will find the strangth.
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