A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
I had to stop by the local market tonight to pick up a few things that I needed and had been putting off shopping for. Shopping is difficult for me. My husband and I had our "division of labor" agreements and he always did the grocery shopping; for the last ten years or so, it was something that I simply didn't have to consider at all, let alone actually DO it. He loved to shop...me, not so much.
It's like a foreign land to me, the grocery store. I don't know where anything is, it's overwhelming, there are far too many choices and, frankly, I just don't care. More than anything, it's incredibly boring to me...truly just a chore and something I'd like to put off until I absolutely can't put it off any longer.
The other thing with grocery shopping is that this is HIS territory and I always feel that I don't belong here. It reminds me of his absence every time I step through the doors. Everything I hate about it, he loved...there couldn't BE too many choices for him to consider; the more, the better. It was like a game to him, comparison shopping, finding the best bargains, filling the cupboards and refrigerator with the bounty he returned home with. Sometimes he would even leave items out on the counter for me to see...like trophies that he brought home from the hunt. I could never understand it but I found it amusing in some way - quirky and sweet.
To me, it's just work - and work that I don't want to do. Also, I feel so conspicuously "widowed" when I'm there...wheeling the tiny little cart around, by myself, picking up the fewest things that I possibly can...feeling so very out of place and alone and just wanting out.
It's one more of those crazy things that are a part of my life now. There are many things that I don't like doing, many places that I don't like going, many activities that I simply don't want to participate in...but they are necessary in these days. There is no one else to do them, after all. And I'm sure that's the absolute worst part - the fact that there is no one else to do them and I am reminded of that fact over and over. This was OUR life and we had it figured out and it worked incredibly well for both of us. We were such a complimentary pair and loved that about each other...we ran our life together very, very well.
So, I hate grocery shopping - always have and probably always will. But, now, I well know that it's way more than the grocery shopping itself - it's everything that it now represents and it's all the great feelings of loss that I'm struggling with, day in and day out. To no one in particular, I say...I want my life back, I want my husband back, I want us back...oh, and I don't want to go back to the store until I absolutely have to.