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Shopping is SO hard to do...(venting is easier)
I had to stop by the local market tonight to pick up a few things that I needed and had been putting off shopping for. Shopping is difficult for me. My husband and I had our "division of labor" agreements and he always did the grocery shopping; for the last ten years or so, it was something that I simply didn't have to consider at all, let alone actually DO it. He loved to shop...me, not so much.
It's like a foreign land to me, the grocery store. I don't know where anything is, it's overwhelming, there are far too many choices and, frankly, I just don't care. More than anything, it's incredibly boring to me...truly just a chore and something I'd like to put off until I absolutely can't put it off any longer.
The other thing with grocery shopping is that this is HIS territory and I always feel that I don't belong here. It reminds me of his absence every time I step through the doors. Everything I hate about it, he loved...there couldn't BE too many choices for him to consider; the more, the better. It was like a game to him, comparison shopping, finding the best bargains, filling the cupboards and refrigerator with the bounty he returned home with. Sometimes he would even leave items out on the counter for me to see...like trophies that he brought home from the hunt. I could never understand it but I found it amusing in some way - quirky and sweet.
To me, it's just work - and work that I don't want to do. Also, I feel so conspicuously "widowed" when I'm there...wheeling the tiny little cart around, by myself, picking up the fewest things that I possibly can...feeling so very out of place and alone and just wanting out.
It's one more of those crazy things that are a part of my life now. There are many things that I don't like doing, many places that I don't like going, many activities that I simply don't want to participate in...but they are necessary in these days. There is no one else to do them, after all. And I'm sure that's the absolute worst part - the fact that there is no one else to do them and I am reminded of that fact over and over. This was OUR life and we had it figured out and it worked incredibly well for both of us. We were such a complimentary pair and loved that about each other...we ran our life together very, very well.
So, I hate grocery shopping - always have and probably always will. But, now, I well know that it's way more than the grocery shopping itself - it's everything that it now represents and it's all the great feelings of loss that I'm struggling with, day in and day out. To no one in particular, I say...I want my life back, I want my husband back, I want us back...oh, and I don't want to go back to the store until I absolutely have to.
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Comment
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Comment by Marianne on July 28, 2012 at 2:07pm -
Oh yea Lynne, been there. Have fled more groceries stores in the last seven months then I care to recall. I'd start to put things into the cart then I'd take them out. I couldn't focus. I'd start to purchase something and them remember it's because he loved it not me. Back out of the basket it went. That would go on until I'd put everything back and walk out of the store without one blessed item. Now I make a list, buy those items and hightail it out. Not a comfortable place for me either.
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Comment by Lynne on July 10, 2012 at 7:45pm -
It is DEFINITELY not for sissies, Michele - truer words were never spoken!
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Comment by Lynne on July 10, 2012 at 2:17pm
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Thanks for all the nice comments...it's so good to hear what others, who are going through the same thing, are thinking and feeling. Probably like most of you, I tend NOT to share this type of thing with my friends here - it's just not something that they can really understand, as they haven't been through it, and I don't want to make them sad. Here, it feels okay to share such things and that's a great relief and comfort somehow. By the way, it's truly not all "doom and gloom" and I am feeling hopeful and always a bit better. Of course, there are these moments and reminders and frustrations and always the great missing of my husband and of the life we had together...BUT, with all of that being said, life moves always forward and, day by day, I am creating this new life for myself...sometimes kicking and complaining as I go...but I go. For some reason, I was thinking today about all those years ago, when we first got married and had to learn to live together and to put together our two lives into something that worked well. It was fun but it was also difficult at times. So now, I have to do it in reverse...I have to learn how to live alone and how to make a life for myself and parts of this will be very difficult, too...but I'll do it. Anyway, just thinking out loud this morning. Take care, everyone.
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Comment by Suz on July 10, 2012 at 9:04am -
Dear Lynne,
Just lost a paragraph here. I hate shopping. Jud always did the shopping. He then came home and threw together a great little dinner in about fifteen minutes. i was spoiled! Sigh. Those days are gone. Time to move on. Just another little reminder of who and what I am missing. I get it. i want us back, too, and I am sorry that you are feeling the same.
Thinking of you, Lynne,
Suz
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Comment by hendrixx2 on July 10, 2012 at 8:01am -
Hi Lynne,
The shopping is a challenge, tho not unfamiliar with the grocery store (you eat, you shop) I'm finding it a tough experience also; the aisles are old friends for me, but it's totally different. As I push the cart, selecting only half of what we used to get, I hear DJ's voice in my head...''...get that one...two of those....the sugar is in the next row...'', many times i have to stop and just stare. Just what the hell am I doing here alone? I can appreciate your thoughts tho they remind me of the countless times I have tread those rows, looked at those wares in happier times. Thank you for touching on what would at first appear such a simple task...shopping, and what causes many of us distress, and what for many of holds so many trappings of times gone past...Peace
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Comment by Sunflower37 on July 8, 2012 at 11:27pm -
Hi Lynne, I understand about shopping for one. My Kevin and I did our grocery shopping together most times. Now I don't spend much time in there, just what I need and leave. Thanks for sharing your story.
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Comment by CharliesGirl on July 8, 2012 at 6:17pm -
I actually liked grocery shopping. Charlie would never go by himself and almost never even came in with me. I remember hurrying through the store (when I wanted to spend more time) beacuse he was waiting in the car for me.
Now I can spend as much time as I want, but I don't need it for 4 items in the tiny cart - cat food, cat litter, Diet Coke and cream cheese ( the cat like that, too). I would give anything to find him waiting for me impatiently (we always were on the way to something we wanted to do) in the car.
Julie
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Comment by Lynne on July 8, 2012 at 11:54am
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Wow, Michelle, you just summed things up perfectly: "Now my fun filled joyous life is centered around work, holding things together and mundane household chores." Could not agree more. I also agree, however, that accomplishing things and holding it together absolutely counts for something - right now, it's everything, in fact. I hope that this is just a period to go through and that life will become so much more again - and that the joy will eventually return. I think it will and I remind myself of that daily. I've enjoyed reading everyone's comments and can identify with them all...thanks for taking the time to share. It's appreciated and it's helpful and, like Gina says, peace to us all.
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Comment by ginadf on July 8, 2012 at 9:46am
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WOW!!! you guys were really blessed having husbands doing your grocery shopping. The closest i ever got Sal to come to the store was only to wait in the car until I came out with the wagon, to load the car. But I still hate grocery shopping, shopping for one sucks. just run in for basics and run out. But now I have my grandsons come downstairs and hang out with me, so i always make sure i have some goodies for them in the pantry. The simple things we took for granted in the past, has now become major trauma in our lives. It just becomes a matter of survival, rather than a pleasant chore to do. Peace to you all
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Comment by Ace on July 8, 2012 at 8:35am -
It's been awhile for me ....4 years this past may 27, it is different now, finally stopped crying at Costco, home depot, and I walk fast past the fig Newton cookies when I shop....still get lump in troat when I see them, they were his favorite and he would be so happy when I picked them up....damn cookies still here and he is not...now my older son likes them too so they are back in my kitchen. We still eat out more than in so much easier
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