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I have always believed that I am a person who keeps their promises. I actually take promises quite seriously and dont promise something that I cant deliver. Except for when I promise things to myself. I promised myself 16 years ago that I would live life to the fullest. I wanted my obituary to read she grabbed life by the balls and went for it.
You see 16 years ago I beat cervical cancer. When I was diagnosed I had a 4 year old daughter and was 6 weeks pregnant. We consulted with doctors and specialists and after so much soul searching the decision was made to do a radical hysterctomy immediately. I would lose the baby. I made a promise to myself and to that unborn baby that if I beat this evil cancer I would make sure to live life to the fullest. To make every day count. And I did, for awhile. But things happen and you lose sight of yourself. You concentrate on being a Mom and a wife and a co-worker. After the 5 year cancer free date I even stopped celebrating the very fact that I was alive until today when I was going through old calenders and realized that today was 16 years that I was cancer free.
Wow, that was a smack to the head. I was a cancer survivor and yet my husband wasnt. I have been letting my husbands death define me and not in ways that I wanted it to. I have been letting his death affect everything I do. Granted sometimes it was with pure spite, I was taunting him to come back and change the rules again. But that is never going to happen. And although I have tried to celebrate his life, I have forgotten to celebrate mine.
I have decided that my life is worth celebrating and I intend to take every opportunity that comes along and run with it. I want to be the person that sees the mountains in full glory and not through the tiny lens of a camera.
I know I will make mistakes, some big, some small, but thats a part of life, a part that I intend to live with every last fiber of my being. I know Keith would approve, because when he was alive he would try and get me to see that life was to be lived.
So today I am re-invoking my promise to myself to live. And I know somewhere out there Keith is cheering me on.