A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
It's been 1 year and 7 months since John's death. And sometimes I feel like I am wallowing in mud. Or drowning under a deep ocean. My family is not closeby. My three daughters are adults with families and living their own distracted lives. As a teacher I have the summer off and that is not always a treat when I have more time to think and worry and despair. I moved here to be with John and he has left me dealing with things he could not handle. So I am angry with him.
Visits with psychics have helped me understand why he chose to leave. He was ill. Mentally and physically. And I have struggled with the remnants of our life together. There is a huge financial burden that I have been trying to handle but there are things that are not in my control, such as a poor real estate market. And so I ask God, the universe, how am I to handle this? Why am I in this situation? What have I done? Am I being punished for something? If I am in this lifetime for a reason I want to know what it is because it really sucks.
Answers...create create create. I create my own reality. I call this POW thinking. I read an article written by a man who was a POW in the Vietnam war and he described how he survived by creating his own bliss. In his own little smelly cell. And when i meditate I create my own oasis of beauty. The trick is to bring that over into this reality. and I know that I tend to focus on the negatives instead of the positives and perhaps that is my purpose of this life. To find the positives and expand on those.
I sold our home which is where he hung himself with our dog's leash, no less. He was spinning for months after losing jobs, suffering from alcoholism, bipolar disorder. He started contacting women online and once i found out it was the last straw. He refused to get help. Refused to go with me to counseling. Not a very good communicator. Refused to admit he was an alcoholic. I left to stay with a friend and 5 days later he was dead.
Now I sit in my own home which is in the country, surrounded by beauty and quiet, consoled by my devoted dog. But I am lonely. Struggling with back pain that limits me physically.
However, I have a wonderful group of women friends whom I work with. I will back with them soon. I have 3 healthy daughters, 5 beautiful grandchildren, and another on the way. An income I can live on once I sell the cottage and clean up that debt.
Breathe, Pat. Count your blessings. Ask your angels for support and guidance. Swim up to the surface of the ocean and gulp in the air. it really is invigorating...it's really up there for you...it will give you life...