A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Sometimes...
It's been 1 year and 7 months since John's death. And sometimes I feel like I am wallowing in mud. Or drowning under a deep ocean. My family is not closeby. My three daughters are adults with families and living their own distracted lives. As a teacher I have the summer off and that is not always a treat when I have more time to think and worry and despair. I moved here to be with John and he has left me dealing with things he could not handle. So I am angry with him.
Visits with psychics have helped me understand why he chose to leave. He was ill. Mentally and physically. And I have struggled with the remnants of our life together. There is a huge financial burden that I have been trying to handle but there are things that are not in my control, such as a poor real estate market. And so I ask God, the universe, how am I to handle this? Why am I in this situation? What have I done? Am I being punished for something? If I am in this lifetime for a reason I want to know what it is because it really sucks.
Answers...create create create. I create my own reality. I call this POW thinking. I read an article written by a man who was a POW in the Vietnam war and he described how he survived by creating his own bliss. In his own little smelly cell. And when i meditate I create my own oasis of beauty. The trick is to bring that over into this reality. and I know that I tend to focus on the negatives instead of the positives and perhaps that is my purpose of this life. To find the positives and expand on those.
I sold our home which is where he hung himself with our dog's leash, no less. He was spinning for months after losing jobs, suffering from alcoholism, bipolar disorder. He started contacting women online and once i found out it was the last straw. He refused to get help. Refused to go with me to counseling. Not a very good communicator. Refused to admit he was an alcoholic. I left to stay with a friend and 5 days later he was dead.
Now I sit in my own home which is in the country, surrounded by beauty and quiet, consoled by my devoted dog. But I am lonely. Struggling with back pain that limits me physically.
However, I have a wonderful group of women friends whom I work with. I will back with them soon. I have 3 healthy daughters, 5 beautiful grandchildren, and another on the way. An income I can live on once I sell the cottage and clean up that debt.
Breathe, Pat. Count your blessings. Ask your angels for support and guidance. Swim up to the surface of the ocean and gulp in the air. it really is invigorating...it's really up there for you...it will give you life...
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Comment by bj628(Bonnie) on July 26, 2012 at 11:50am -
((((((((((Hugs)))))))) Pat. I am glad you wrote this Blog. i have been reading blogs this am, and am inspired to write one also. We are all on this journey and here.. Our journeys are unique as we handle things our own way.
To know other are on this journey and how they handle it, We do have losing a loved one all in common.
I tell myslef .... things could be MUCH worse, and there are people in much worse circumstances then I am..
and I do try to "count my blessings" Thank you and warm thoughts and prayers to you.
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Comment by Patjbam on July 26, 2012 at 7:17am -
Reading all the replies I received is so helpful. Thank you all for you thoughts and prayers. it is comforting to know that I am not alone on this journey. My decision to share my thoughts on a blog was a good one.
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Comment by Rebirth.Tanya (Tanya) on July 25, 2012 at 11:56pm -
My thoughts and prayers are with you Pat- feel all the feelings, ask all the questions, seek all the comfort, count your blessings, and gulp in the invigorating air- it's all part of the journey, and you are getting through it, day by day...
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Comment by Dawn- Clouds Mum on July 25, 2012 at 8:59pm -
My thoughts are with you. You are not alone on this journey, all it takes it is to stretch out a hand and one of us is there.
There is sunlight at the end of the journey, until then keep swimming until you reach an island of peace for yourself. xxx
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Comment by lovie on July 25, 2012 at 11:39am -
Sorry to hear of your difficulties. Hopefully, you will be able to process your anger and release it. Your last paragraph resounds for all of us. It seems as though you have many positives that you can focus on to negate the negatives. Keep counting your blessings as that is where we find our joy. Peace and healing to you as you journey forward.
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Comment by suebru (Sue) on July 25, 2012 at 10:20am -
Hugs and love to you, Pat. My thoughts and prayers are with you today. You are not alone on this walk.
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Comment by LaurieR on July 25, 2012 at 9:23am -
Pat, I think you are doing very well in a very difficult situation. You should be proud that you were able to get to such a positive place in all of the negatives that happened to you.
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Comment by topwag (Becky) on July 25, 2012 at 8:54am -
(((( Hugs Pat))) My heart aches for you and you are in my prayers as well. The only thing you need to do is breathe and eat right. All our answers will come when the time is right for us. Faith, hope and believe.
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Comment by Jerry on July 25, 2012 at 8:40am
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I wrote a long reply to you since had a few suicides in my family. This is not why I am a member her, my wife passed away due to a horrible illness. For some reason what I wrote was lost. But I just want to what you,wrote about counting our blessings is so true, I know things could be worse as hard as it my to believe at times.
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