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The Getting Married Again Question
An old friend the other day asked me if I’m going to get married again. The question annoyed the heck out of me. It took years to builds the kind of relationship Don and I had and I’m not interested in getting married again just to have another warm body in the house. But I tried not to let my annoyance show when I answered, “no.” Then he says, “What’s the matter? Once was enough?” I wasn’t sure how to take that question and when I answered I felt like I was speaking the last lines in the movie, Secondhand Lions. I repeated my answer twice with an entirely different inflection the second time. In the movie the sheik’s great-grandson had asked, “These two men from your grandfather's stories, they really lived?” to which the adult Walter (played by John Lucas) answered, “They really lived.” Then a big smile broke on his face and he repeated, "Yeah, they really LIVED.”
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What I replied to my friend’s question about once being enough was, “Yes, once was enough.” Then following a pause I said, “Once REALLY was enough.” I doubt my answer adequately expressed how I felt---Lucas got to rehearse his delivery---but I couldn’t help thinking about it on the way home. Do people really think you can replace a 42 year long relationship so easily and be thinking about it when you’re only six months out from your spouse’s passing? Coming from an old friend, the question hurt. It accented the fact that Don was the only person on the face of the earth who truly knew me--how I think, what my values, weaknesses and strengths are. Get married again? No way in hell! Maybe I was being hyper-sensitive. Widows get accused of that all the time but, to me, asking a question like that was akin to asking an amputee if he’s going to get a new arm. I always think of good answers like that hours after it’s too late to deliver them. Now I’m prepared for the next getting-married-again question that comes my way. I will use a reply borrowed from another widow: “I don’t need to get married again; I got it right the first time.” ©
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My other blog is here.
My book of my first year of widowhood can be previewed and ordered here.
Comment
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Comment by smit09 on July 29, 2012 at 6:39am -
All i can say is that if you're open to love again, crazy, cool, unexpected things can happen! It is NOT about 'replacing' what you had with Don,... It would simply be the continuation of your life, cuz you are still living! But im with Amy, who says you have to be married to be happy!?!
However, like that Rihanna song on the radio 'found love in a hopeless place' that is exactly what happend for me,...
Peace and healing
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Comment by bad ass widow on July 28, 2012 at 9:38pm -
I hate this question. Maybe because to me it seems to belittle every thing I have done on my own for the last 3 years. I loved my husband and my marriage but it doesnt define how I am now. Why do people assume you have to be married to be happy? Is there a rule book somewhere that I am missing that says my happiness needs to be attached to someone else?
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Comment by honeys(puddin) on July 28, 2012 at 8:47pm
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My friends give me that "yeah ok you're still early in this" look everytime that subject comes up. I have said no... that I may want to have sex again but as far as getting married again...no... he was the one. He was the most incredible perfect for me and my children man. I am still married. I am 11 weeks out but I could be 11 years out. No one could come close to what we had. I'm am happy in that knowledge, content in the life I had and very much ok with my life as it is. I am ok with my life that I am left with thank you very much.
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Comment by mem5711 (Denise) on July 28, 2012 at 8:47pm -
I've also been asked that question many times and I always answer ...... Don't need to.....I got it right the first time .... And they never ask that question again:))))
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Comment by Susan J on July 28, 2012 at 3:18pm -
We are all different and are entitled to our own plans for our lives and the hell with anyone's opinion. Although I was deeply in love and miss him like crazy two years down the road, I started dating just to have people to talk to and and excuse to get out of the house, even to meet a stranger for a cup of coffee. I was meeting new people, making new friends. The old friends didn't understand me or my loss and it was good to be around people who didn't know Jonathan,feel sorry for me and didn't judge me. And let's not forget the people who knew what was best for me! Spare me.
After a series of nice dinners, great conversation and movie nights, I met someone who warmed my frozen heart. It was totally unexpected. I met him shortly afer the two year anniversary. Matt has pushed me into feeling guilty for being happy and finally getting angry at Jonathan for leaving me. He has become a soothing, healing presence. Was I looking to fall in love again? Oh, hell no. Would I marry him? Yes, but I' not in a hurry. I'm content to love again and have someone return it.
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Comment by Dianne in Nevada on July 28, 2012 at 2:20pm -
Hyper-sensitive? I don't think so! Why people think this is any of their business just amazes me. I have been saying 'no dating' ever since the first person posed that question to me very early on. I've had some pretty intense conversations about this with a friend who remarried after being widowed. I am happy for her ... but it is not for me. Whether we choose to stay single or remarry does not make a statement about the kind of marriage we had, how much we loved those we lost, how old or how young we are, how long we were married. It is a personal choice ... and we should be allowed to make that decision for ourselves without any judgements (or stupid comments) from others.
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Comment by ginadf on July 28, 2012 at 1:08pm
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i run into the same assholes asking the same stupid questions all the time. I dont know which ones are worse, the ones that ask with an inquisitive smile (like i should be over this already and looking for a man look) or the ones that look at you with pathetic eyes (arent u lonely look)?? But after 35+years with my wonderful husband, no one will ever take his place. Im 61 yrs old and do not want to take care of anyone except myself. im hoping to live a good life over the next few years by travelling, having fun, find a new and meaningful purpose, and pray god will lead me to it. Its just sad to me that people think the only way to be happy in life is by being married, or in a relationship. for me, i dont think thats going to fill my void, it just might complicate my life even more.
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Comment by Ccdague on July 28, 2012 at 12:56pm -
Blue Snow....I agree...these discussions on remarriage are about the dumbest ones people can have with a widow.....whether they were together 4 years or 40. You want to just say "who let the mental midgets out?"
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Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on July 28, 2012 at 12:53pm -
Oh, btw..may I use that the next time someone asks me that? I want to say, if it was my arm that i lost, would you ask me if and when I am going to get a new one?
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Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on July 28, 2012 at 12:50pm
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Nice analogy Blue Snow. It's not like your freakin CAR died. As if you are just going to go out and "replace" your husband with a different make, different model. "oh, you'll find someone new", "in time you will love again". These remarks are all based in the idea that "what's done is done", okay, that's over, so now who are you gonna be with? As if, we are even considering that..or as if, we are not valid beings in our own right, but we need to be "coupled up" in order to make other people more comfortable with our loss.
I have not removed my engagement/wedding ring, and I do not plan to. although Paul and I were only married two years, he was the only person whom I can truly say i was "in love" with, in addition to choosing to love him, so the question, "are you going to get married again?" is quite ignorant.
Date ever again? maybe. Love again? Have no idea. Marry Again? No, no i'm not. I buried my husband with his wedding ring on for a very damn good reason. We are still married, he is still my husband - i am still his wife, even if he's not physically present.
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