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Don't compare your living boyfriend to your dead husband

Have you thought about being in a relationship again?

It's extremely complicated yet totally satisfying at the same time...however...

Tonight I picked a fight with my boyfriend.  It wasn't a big fight, or anything serious, which makes me question why it even happened, but it was indeed my fault.  This isn't the first time something like this has happend either.  Sometimes I wonder why he even loves me, or if I keep this sort of thing going, how long he is actually going to keep loving me.  

Part of me thinks that I do it because I am scared to love someone this deeply again, only to lose it. It's almost as if I cannot believe that I am getting this chance at happiness in love a second time... I want to tell myself to 'wake up'  'snap out of it'  'don't lose this opportunity'...but I am really intimidated by death, it can happen so suddenly and without reason.  I may put up some walls, yes, I may be a touch guarded, and for my boyfriend's sake, I should really start tearing them down.

What frustrates me (sometimes) is how wonderfully he is moving on with life after losing the mother to his children and the love of his life.  He has accepted the loss in a much more graceful capacity than what I have.  I have good days, and bad days, most of them good... but my bad come much more frequently than his, and he thinks for some reason that he's not making me happy.  That HE is the reason that I get sad and mad.  I wish I could control those emotions better, but I just haven't been able to.  I miss and long for my old life still... and I wish I could say otherwise.  It is ridiculous and completely out of the question... so why do I still long for it? Why do I still miss Craig with all of my heart?? and how the hell come can't I get a handle on it by now? I realized when I first started to date my boyfriend, that there is simply no comparing the 2 of them, its unfair and irrelevant, yet it's the natural thing to do.  I don't get mad at myself when I start to do the comparison thing, I just abruptly interrupt my brain and tell it to stop.  That works.

My boyfriend, quite regularly will say "I just want you to be happy" or "I want to make you happy"...how can I look into his wonderfully caring eyes, and say to his wonderfully caring face "you can't!".  I learned a while ago, that you cannot rely on someone to make you happy, only you, yourself can do that.  I want to tell him that 'meeting you made me happy...but there will be some bad days, some mad and sad days.  Mad and sad, mixed in with glad, but some are bad, and some are good sir, is that understood, sir? "----(we have 3 kids.  His 2 girls, and my son make 3...and tonight I read 'fox in socks' so I went a little Dr.Zeus on ya with my 'bad, sad' shhpeal.)

The truth is, he does make me happy, and so do our children and the life that we are living...it's all-good, but I am still messed up.

I often wonder if I embarked on this love train a little too soon.  Perhaps I still had plenty of healing to do, but that doesn't matter, because it's too late.  I am in it, and I am not going anywhere, so long as he'll have me.  I don't want to drive him away with all of my crazy, but I am who I am, and I trust in the process, it's just taking me for a loop from time to time, that's all. 

I do love him, just as strongly as I miss my husband, and I love his kids, just as I love my own son.  We have a beautiful and bright future, I can see it...he just doesn't realize that I can still see it through my pain..I hope he can.

To the outside world, him and I and our 3 children look like a happy, normal family...but we're far from normal! Hell, the other night, I sang and danced with Craig's urn.

GOD I miss that man, all that he stood for and all that he was.

crazy me, crazy widow me.

In conclusion, when thinking about being in another relationship after losing one so meaningful, you might want to consider giving yourself extra time.  BUT on the other hand, if mister (or mrs.) right comes along again, just hope like hell he's into your type of crazy... 

and it's okay to be crazy, right? lol

peace and healing.

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Comment by Kiki8 on January 10, 2014 at 8:35pm

I haven't gotten to dating yet but I know I will face these same thoughts and feelings if/when it happens

Comment by smit09 on December 10, 2013 at 2:10am

Willo, congrats lady!!!  If he's into your crazy, let those 'church bells ring'.  If your family is supporting you, your new man is supporting you, and the only thing making you question it is your dead hubby,... than I am willing to bet that the love train your on is guiding you down the right track.  It's annoying the emotions and thoughts that come up when we are simply just trying to enjoy living again... but its part of the territory, and one we didnt even ask for this in the first place!!!!!  peace to you as you continue to heal.

Congrats and good luck. :)

Comment by willo on November 23, 2013 at 2:26am

im so glad I found this blog. I got engaged in sept, getting married in may but am wondering if i got on this love train too soon too, bought a wedding dress yesterday and cried myself to sleep missing my husband last night really makes me wonder if im going crazy. you worded it so well .. I can see a wonderful future thru the pain if I just can get there with out ruining the present

Comment by Jerry on July 10, 2013 at 8:56pm
T2, I do feel so different since my wife passed away, I am for sure not the same person I was a few years ago.
I saw were you once mentioned Pierce Brosnan,I just read that his daughter passed away from the same dreadful disease that took his wife,talk about a double whammy.
Comment by t2 on July 10, 2013 at 2:44pm

Everything...everything....is easier said than done. There is a level of detachment in all of my relationships...friends, relatives, and the few women I've been out with. I've no idea when that detachment will fade. I feel like every slight move made in engaging with another person is a monumental show of strength and courage. I've been kinda seeing someone who has dealt with severe loss. One of her sons was killed in a car wreck. She's a tremendous person but I am...detached. She does allow me to talk about Glynnis as much as I want. She knew her...so maybe that's a benefit. I don't know anything. Proud of your courage, Stacy.

Comment by Jerry on July 3, 2013 at 4:02am
My wife has been gone 3 1/2 years and I have been seeing a lady,but as much as I like her I can't allow myself to fall in love. I am sure that if I allowed myself to move on further in this relationship we could be happy together. But I keep backing away. She has told me she wants to make me happy,but maybe I am crazy, I can only take so much happiness at a time.
Comment by jean on July 2, 2013 at 12:27pm

This kind of crazy I think is normal for right now smit... ride the waves... hold on tight to Nate and things will get better.  I promise.  (((((hugs)))))   (No.. I don't know for sure, but time will figure this all out)  hang in there.. keep loving yourself, Nate and the kids..this too shall pass! <--- my favorite... I say it all the time, to myself.. under my breath.  :)

Comment by smit09 on June 30, 2013 at 5:56am

AD1970- Good luck to you. Going with my instinct has always lead me the right way, it's great advice. When the heart is tormented by the loss, but the brain can logically assess the circumstance, it can be quite confusing, but if there's a instinctual feeling happening, its usually the right direction. All the best to you in your new life and I am sorry for your loss. Thanks for responding.

AMY!!!: you truly are bad ass, you know that?! Thank you for your encouraging support, it means a lot to me now, and has since the start of this widow journey. I hope you and your daughter are having some pretty bad ass days lately. xoxo

Suz: Thank you for your support! Honesty can be so embarrassing at times, so humiliating, and can hurt at times...but it truly is liberating. Peace and healing continued to you sweet lady.

liz143: Thank you for your understanding and lovely advice.  Through some of your blogs, it really seems like you are a positive light and I wish you continued healing thoughts of happiness in a new/different life. ((hugs))

Comment by Suz on June 29, 2013 at 5:39am

Stacy, this just sounds so normal and honest to me. When I think about another relationship, I think about how complicated it would be to have someone that I could not help but compare to love. You are young and I am so happy that you have another loving relationship. I also think that the only way to deal with this is with honesty. If you feel you are hurting your boyfriend (whose name I can't remember at the moment) you might want to try a group or a counselor to have a safe place to talk about it. I have always admired your honestly and think that is a great quality you have that will help get you through this.

(((hugs))) girl!

Comment by bad ass widow on June 28, 2013 at 5:03pm

Awe Stacy,  give yourself permission to start taking those walls down brick by brick.  Life is too short as we all know to well.  You can love again and still miss Craig - thats not crazy its normal !  I think Nates desire to make you happy is meant that he truly wants you to be happy and would like to be a part of that.  Just as I am sure you want him to be happy and to be a part of that happiness.  We will all still have hard days and yours are probably coming fast and furious because of the trial and its never ending continuances.  Ride those days out as best you can.

(((hugs)))

Amy

PS  Fox In Socks, one of my daughters favorites !

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