Last night I came to a realization , an epiphany if you will about who I have become. I am more than four and a half years now on this grief's journey which is enough time to make such a discovery. I now understand who I am and how I shall be for the rest of my days. I read a post about triggers inside our homes and one persons need to remove them replacing old with new. I began thinking about the changes I had made in my own home and as I was sitting looking around, I realized I hadn't had a trigger moment there for quite some time. Even with changes I have made my home is still filled with Kathy's memory in the furniture, décor, tableware, family pictures and the like yet it has been years since they have caused a sad moment. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that my trigger moments were happening when I was away from home. When I travel, shop, eat out, and yes even at work I have moments when sorrow creeps in. It's not the object. It's not the smell, sound, or taste that does it. It is just simply her memory. That memory enters my thoughts so many times during my day. Every night when I go to bed I think about how much I love her and it's the first thought as I wake. I understood that it has been that way ever since that first night. I know now that it will be that way for the rest of my life and that isn't such a bad thing.
What I understand now is that this is who I am. I know beyond any doubt that I shall live this way functioning quite well as I explore life. I shall be a bit lonely for certain but that is my choice to not have another relationship. This new me which is called widowed will function in society, pay his taxes, and seem outwardly okay. I will however still have those sad moments and find sanctuary when I get home for there I can let it out and not puzzle those who "don't get it:. I will travel, enjoy my sons and grandchildren, dine with friends and often alone. This is who I understand that I have become and always shall be. I am so very okay with that and so very aware that I am nothing like I was before she left.
After enough time don't we develop a good understanding of who we are? For me last night was the moment............my moment.
I am simply put just Steve, not Steve and Kathy.