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Letters to my Late Husband: You Made Me Believe In Love

When I met you, I didn’t believe in love. I thought love was something that blinds people to reality and gets them in trouble. I was certain I would never find that magical love I had dreamed about when I was youthful and idealistic, because that love didn’t exist. And then I met you.

I didn’t want a relationship. I wanted to be free from attachments and the pain of failed relationships. But you wanted something different. And because I was so smitten by you, I decided to try the relationship and see if I liked it. And in fact, I did. WE did.  I tried on the relationship like a shirt or a shoe, and it was immediately comfortable, like it had been made to fit. This totally improbable, inconceivable love developed between us.  Since then, I never wanted anything else.

I never thought I could love someone so completely, so fully, and with complete abandon, like I loved you. It was a mature love, so completely different from my youthful fantasies, but at the same time the total fulfillment of them.  I could say it’s an unconditional love, one that has allowed us to overcome many obstacles in our relationship. We appreciated one another, put up with each other’s many faults, forgave each other, and were there for each other constantly. Every day, I was amazed that something so simple but also so complex to carry out was actually working, and working well. And, each day, I loved you more than the day before.  Then one day, in the blink of an eye, you were gone.

Since that day four months ago, I have had to carry on, taking care of your daughter and my two boys, our family, by myself. I’m just trying to find my way without you, which isn’t easy. I never wanted it to be like this.

I still curse the universe for taking you away from me, but amidst my despair, I can also sometimes see a glimmer of hope. I also feel thankful that the universe lent you to me for ten years and allowed me to experience the joy of unconditional love, at least for a while. It wasn’t enough, and to have it taken away is a difficult burden to bear. But perhaps the universe is trying to teach me something else that I need to learn now. So my work today is to go out in the world and figure out life’s new lesson. I hope for the clarity to recognize it and learn it. 

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Comment by Callie2 on January 15, 2017 at 2:06pm
So well articulated and heartfelt, I am sure. I really hope that you and others will make hard copy to keep and reread--even include them in a book to pass down to children and grandchildren. I certainly can relate to your feelings and everything you said! It is better to have had that love for a short time than not at all. It was a gift, an enrichment of your life. Think how many people never find or have that opportunity. Wishing you peace.

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