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Music has always played a huge roll in my life.  Since birth I've had headphones on, even to the point where I hear music when there is none.  There has always been a song for my mood.  No matter how funky or blue, happy or melancholy I've always been able to find music that fits.  However over the last few years especially I've found myself searching for something that's out of reach.  Nothing makes me happy or soothes the mood.  Nothing fits.

Love songs are just a painful reminder of what I've lost.  Breakup songs just piss me off.  Our relationship had not ended by choice, or by the mistakes either one of us made.  Even the blues doesn't give me what I need, because now I judge the bluesman on his pain.  Not fair, but that doesn't change how I feel.

Live music had always been a passion of ours.  Our courtship began at a Def Leppard concert.  Over the years we had been to more shows than I could count.  A few stand out though.  Vicky had always been such a huge Garth Brooks fan, she tried to drag me to a show 20 years ago.  Not being much of a country fan at the time I declined.  I did promise to take her next time.  That turned out to be a year later, and again I declined.  I felt bad about that for 20 years.  The last few years Garth came back around, and even though we needed a wheelchair to get her there (she had battled cancer for 8 years) I finally took her.

If you've never heard "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, do yourself a favor and go listen.  Bring some tissues, because it's bound to hit home.  It's about being grateful for having had a good life together.  It's about being glad you didn't know how things would end.

I count it among my favorite blessings, being able to hold her during that song.  Got to do it twice, though I wish it were twenty times.

None of us can see the future.  We couldn't before, and we won't after this.  I wouldn't change a thing that we'd done.  Not one thing.  I hope to carry that mentality into the next chapter of my life.  I hope I never question where or when things will ever end in the future.  I trust and believe that God keeps a path clear for me, so long as I'm looking for it.  I would hate to think what I'd have missed if I had avoided all the pain, as bad as it's been.  I truly want to feel joy again.  I know it may be years, but I can accept that.  What I won't do is leave anything on the table.  Vicky never did.

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Comment by Morgana (Janet) 17 hours ago

Well said Colin and yes "The Dance" by Garth Brooks is one of the best songs he ever did. Love it and listen to it often. No regrets here either.

Comment by MenuFalls on Saturday
I lost my husband in December of last year. Yesterday on my Facebook the "on this day" was when he took me to a surprise concert 4 years ago when we were still dating. It was Peabo Bryson, Jeffrey Osborne and Freddie Jackson, some of my
Favorite artists, music that he knew I loved. He loves all kinds of music, but it was a special night He took me to. Music plays a big role, and I can listen to a few notes of "get here" by Oleta Adams, and I start to cry. I think music is the soundtrack of all of our lives and for some of us it has a deeper meaning than others. "Summertime" by brad paisley brings me back to being in his car driving home from a roadtrip. Even all the months we spent choosing our wedding song and how important it was to us, and the cakecutting song and the song to walk into as our first time introduced as "husband and wife"-it was a really special time for us to plan all of that together. Thank you for posting. Big hugs to you.
Comment by Steve on Thursday
Hi Colin, this was beautiful. Thanks for writing it, It touched me. im also a guy that loves music, it is always in me every day. So many songs are "ours" meaning have had such emotional ties, memories to me. A song will remind me of this event or this time.
I cant remember how long it was that i stopped the music in my life, when Mike passed. I hadnt even really noticed.
But at some point, i remember thinking to myself in the car, Wow! I havent heard any music in a long time! It was just too painful for me. For a long time, when i listened to the radio, there were many songs i stopped, changed channels, because i couldnt hear them. Too painful.
Out of all the fun, adventures, things we did and accomplished in our 30 + yrs together, the things i cherish the most are the feelings we shared, daily for each other. The moments holding each other, looking at the ocean, or the mountains from a cabin, being so grateful to have each other. All the hundreds of times we looked at the stars just the two of us and talked about all the things we saw in the night sky. Im so grateful for the wonderful chats we had at night in bed, about our day, or about our friends, family, the funny people we saw or met. We would laugh so hard. no matter where we were, what we did, we needed to do it together or couldnt wait to share it together in conversation. We had to be near each other, in each others arms as soon as we could, if our responsibilities took us away from each other for a day, or longer.
After the doctors told us there was no more hope, and we stopped all treatments, i cherish now, the wonderful things Mike said to me, at the time so painful, because it represented an accepting that Mike was leaving, our life together was really coming to an end. But he gave me such gifts, in sharing how much he loved me, was so grateful for me, said how i was the best partner a guy could wish for, and how he wished we could start all over at the begining, and do it all over again, together. He also told me he wanted me to move on, find another love, be happy, enjoy my life, and he would be there waiting for me to join him, when it was my time. These things were so hard to hear at the time, i couldnt imagine facing 1 day without him, nevermind, the rest of my life. But as time has moved on, those words have helped me, knowing i did the best i could with Mike, and i did a great job loving him, caring for him, sharing our lives together. Who can ask for more than that? It has given me peace at times, since, that Mike knew how much he was loved, i wanted another 30 yrs with him. When Chris, my new partner, popped into my life, about 4.5 yrs later, it was still difficult for me, to allow my heart to let go, allow my heart to love another person, in that way, but i had Mikes words ringing in my head, to allow myself to love again. Our hearts do have the capacity to love more than one person.
Comment by Athena53 on April 14, 2017 at 7:19am

Last night I was on a plane to Panama listening to music when I decided I wanted something more contemplative than "Paradise by the Dashboard" light. I chose "Your long Journey" by Robert Plant and Alison Krause and cried through it. It was wonderful. My seatmate was engrossed in his movie, which was fine. DH liked sitting and listening to music and I tend to listen to podcasts when I'm knitting. We have two sound systems that are almost never used. Maybe I should play music more often.

Comment by sandi on April 13, 2017 at 5:09pm

I am having the same issue with music.  After all the concerts and I still have all the albums from the 70's and 80's  I am struggling with music.  The only time I seem content listening is at church (crazy right).  I also try to greatful for the many years we had together (43) and that some day I will be happy again.  I wish God would give me a clue as to what my path will be, but so far I'm still waiting.  Thanks  Sandi

Comment by kellygreenstrat (Colin) on April 13, 2017 at 3:40pm

Thank you for the kind words Callie.  Music is therapeutic.  I checked out The Prayer and Believe.  Beautiful songs.  Believe really did hit home, and throughout the song it built with emotion.  Thank you for that.

Comment by Callie2 on April 12, 2017 at 1:05pm
THE PRAYER with Lyrics Celine Dion & Andrea Bocelli_By Moonlight6869 Sorry I cannot provide a direct link but if you can access YouTube or even Google, type that in and give a listen, the video is beautiful.

Another inspirational song, IMO, is Ronnie Dunn's "Believe". His vocals are powerful.
Comment by Callie2 on April 11, 2017 at 10:01pm
I always loved "The Dance" but it really took on new meaning after losing my husband. So true. Also "If Tomorroe Never Comes" has a lot of relevance. I have always had a love for music, many genres, and it has always been an important part of my life. A really beautiful tune by Celine Dion and Andre Bocelli entitled "The Prayer" is uplifting, you can find that on YouTube.

I am hooked on Sirius radio in my car, it is expensive but I really enjoy it. No commercials and you can find any type of music you like and being satelite, it is crispy clear with no static! Music actually helps to release serotonin--a feel-good chemical in the brain. This also helps with chronic pain which is another reason I use a headset or blue-tooth while exercising. Music is therapeutic.

Life is much like "The Dance". Love is worth the pain. You will find joy once again and find the strength to move forward with your life. I think the song helps us put things into a unique perspective, one that is bitter-sweet but also makes us aware of the special gift we were given. It's not a snapshot of our lives, it's a panorama. Peace to you.

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