I miss him terribly.
John died on May 24, 2017. I'm what...almost 8 months out? I feel like this roller coaster is getting harder. I think I was on autopilot through the first few months. I had a son to get off to his first year of college in the Fall, a 16 year old daughter starting her Junior year of HS who dances and wanting to make sure she was doing ok and on track.
And now I made it through the holidays....Like what was I thinking?? That there would be an end of some sort to this nightmare and things would start to be "normal" again?? I had concocted this whole get it together plan for 2018. And yes, I'm working on it. Eating better, exercising, de cluttering etc etc.
But it has truly dawned on me now that this is my new reality. My new "normal." My life without John will continue. He was 49 for crying out loud. And I was 46 when he died. I have a whole life to live without him in it. It sucks. Don't get me wrong- there have been some happy things in the last 7-8 months. But this reality of him never being here again is really just now settling in.
I just miss him so much. I want him here. I want him home. I'm being selfish- but this just sucks.