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Does this ever get easier or do you ever find yourself again?  I feel as the anniversary of Kenny's death approaches that I feel more and more alone even when there are others around.  Maybe I'm being self-centered...I don't know but I feel I've lost not only him but myself and my happiness.  As this day approaches next month I feel the heaviness in my chest and the dread of reliving the dreadful day. 

Tammara

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Comment by MartyG (ver. 2.1) on June 9, 2018 at 5:31am

I have read that when we lose our spouse or partner, we lose not only them but another person - the person we became together.  Therein lies the rub....

Comment by KayeL on June 5, 2018 at 1:55pm

Hi, I am on my 29 months mark. For me, having a toddler son helps, sometimes, to forget about the pain.

I can't say the experience is "better" but I am more numb and devoid of extreme emotion to losing my bff and the best companion anyone could have. I certainly cry less but little things could trigger the emotions without warnings. 

And being a young widow, I have to admit I am so afraid I will have to live a lonesome life for next 50 years. The fear is a byproduct of my husband's passing. I met my husband in college and were together for more than 15 years of sweetness together. Losing him is like losing my all. 

I happened to survive my third birthday that was yesterday without him around. It was tough and I did shed tears. I do well around his death anniversary because I purposely muddle my sense of time few days before approaching that awful anniversary. 

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on June 1, 2018 at 12:13pm

Well said, Bayoured & Rainy ...

Remember all you have written when in recovery mode - this is how you help yourself through the tough times ...

Blessings ...

Comment by bayoured on June 1, 2018 at 6:44am

Hi Tamara, I am soon approaching the 7 month mark. There are days that I feel so much stronger and then I feel like I am back to square one. I am no longer in the fog that protected my mind at the outset of this. So I do feel things more deeply than I did at first. I think this whole thing is a learn as you go experience . Something none of us ever wanted to learn but here we are. I have learned that I just need to roll with it when it comes. You are not being self centered at all . Not in the way that we think of being self centered. You are being self preserving. It is a must I think. We are on a path that is so different from any road we have walked before. I do hold out hope that as time passes this road will have fewer pot holes or at least I will see them before I fall in. I am better in many ways than I was 7 months ago. I have found some of my laughter again. Not as much as I would like but I know it is still in there. I am forever changed but at the heart of me is still someone who wants to find joy. Be kind to yourself as that day approaches and let it unfold naturally. At some point I believe we can still love them and grief will take the back seat to our memories of a beautiful life and time we shared with them. Take care and know that we are here. You are not alone...…. Angela (bayoured)

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on May 30, 2018 at 7:40am

Hi Tammara, I am only 6mo out so I have little to offer by way of advice.  I just want you to know, I wonder if it gets easier too or even levels out.  I yo-yo around so much my head spins.  

I felt very early on, the feeling of losing myself.  I'm still searching for or maybe I should say, waiting for an identity that is all mine, sans Jerry.  I think we'll find it if we're open to it.  I can only imagine all the emotions that come with the one year mark as I struggle through the months.  I have often read that the second year is the worse one if that is the case and you know it in advance perhaps you can brace a little bit for the waves.  

I try to remind myself that happiness is still out there, in moments if nothing else.  For now, that's enough for me.  Not that I'm there yet, but I've come to accept, I can be happy and still miss Jerry.  I don't know yet, what I'm going to do when the one year marks rolls around but I've heard others make plans to spend the day doing something.........anything.  (to keep preoccupied)  I personally, relive the night Jerry died about once a week, so "the day" might not be any different for me.  

Back to your question, I don't know is my answer but I do know that it's better than it was 6 months ago.  Therefore, I have HOPE for a better day, for a fulfilling life, and yes, for happiness.  Albeit, it won't be the same kind of happy I found in my life with Jerry.  It's okay, happy is happy just like love is love. It may be different but that doesn't mean it won't be there.  Hugs Tammara.    

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