Today is July 4th. Saturday we would have been married for 32 years. Once upon a time,we considered vow renewal for our 30th. Life had other plans. Martin was unemployed in the year before he passed and had just landed a new job. We had no life insurance. A perk of employment, and naturally believing in "what could go wrong?". Yes. The "joke" was on me. Us. But not really. Everything was right in our world when he died. It's only not right in mine because he is not here to be my back-up.
I'm no wuss when it comes to any struggle. I zip up the proverbial man suit and get on with it. I have no regrets, not one. I made the decision to stay in our house even though it may be a stretch. I have one dream. Dreams are not practical things. That dream is to stay in this home where we raised our children and that every one of them leave "home" post college. Our girls may never return. One son, has gone and returned and the other is a rising college freshman.I am simply buying time. I have no retirement to speak of, so five more years is not going to break me. It's worth it every time I look out into my backyard. It's worth it when I hear the birds. It's worth it when I deck the halls. It's worth it when all I hear is the refrigerator humming.It's worth the creak in the garage door as it raises. It's worth running to the curb with the trash can at o-dark thirty because I forgot to put it out the night before. it's worth it for the 2pm sunshine burst of oranges and yellows out the family room or kitchen windows. It's worth a twice a day leaf blow. It is what makes me happy. I can have solitude or chaos and revel in either. Here.
As the grief process changes, I am constantly amazed. Amazed at what makes me break down, what makes me smile and what drives me forward. Grace, love, and knowing that I am fulfilled.
This Saturday, I want to revive a tradition. Breakfast at Wimbledon. Martin was the king of surprises. On our first anniversary, we were in serving in Germany. He bought us tickets to see Genesis at Wembley Stadium. During the day we explored London. We stopped at an establishment. The Hard Rock Cafe. We asked for the beer list. Their special as Steffi Graf was whipping the ball around was "imports" 2 for 1. Michelob!! Ha! I asked if I could buy the menu to take home. The waitress told me no, but if I were clever, I could "pinch" it. I did. In college, post Army, Martin would take me to a hotel and we would watch Tennis and have "Breakfast at Wimbledon." Eventually, we made our own stay at home tradition. As the sous chef to Martin, I prepped the night before shredding cheese, cooking bacon and mushrooms, blanching the spinach or stemming the strawberries and making the cream. In the morning, he would assemble that Quiche. Not as eggy as you might find in restaurant but delicious all the same.
This year, I'm going to do it...#Claycourts #Strawberriescream #Quiche
Love you bunches MP. Your L'il Gal. ox