I've read many articles, books, and post about grief coming in layers, like that of an onion. I've read about how grief changes a person. So, I say to myself okay bring it on. I imagined the metamorphosis to gently take place like that of a graceful butterfly emerging from its cocoon. It was a lovely visualization I had, the changes within would come on softly, over time without me even realizing changes were taking place. I'd wake up one day and be a whole person again. Looking forward to a new me, I'd be delightful, charming, self-assured, and capable (pretty much everything I am NOT at the moment) OOOOH YEAH bring that on sistah!
While I'm still looking forward to the day I feel whole again, no one told me it wouldn't be gentle or graceful. I'm sure the changes are different for everyone, I'm also sure there are widows who somehow get stuck in one stage or the other. Perhaps that is why I wasn't warned. I've been researching and wracking my brain trying to find a visual, concrete example of how this it feels. The best example I can find is of a butterfly. But why? Why I asked myself is this metamorphosis so difficult for me and not that dang butterfly. So, I did more research, and found out the struggle is indeed real for a butterfly too, not only that but it's a necessity to build strength. Just like with grief, it does build strength and character. As of late, I've entered into a new stage it seems and have been feeling quite stuck and unhappy. Of course, true to my character, I wallow and contemplate. Then I make a move, often times the wrong one. It's okay, I allow myself mistakes, I've always learned through trial and error. Then I write. While researching what I wanted to say I found an article that helped me understand why I felt like a butterfly. It's perfect so I just had to share it verbatim. The following is copied from HERE:
My hope is somehow what I've found will help another new widow sistah (or brothah) along their way as it's helped me. As grief and my pals here at WV have taught me. It's okay to be where you are, recognize the struggle is real (you are not alone), but hold on to the fact that there is meaning in it.
"In this world there’s a whole lot of cold
In this world there’s a whole lot of blame
In this world you’ve a soul for a compass,
And a heart for a pair of wings
There’s a star on the far horizon,
Rising bright in an azure sky
For the rest of the time that you’re given,
Why walk when you can fly?" Mary Chapin Carpenter