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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

After reading other tragic stories, and trying to make sense of my own story; I found a common thread. We all associate the day, time, what we we're doing, weather and so on with the day our live changed. 

For me, I have realized I don’t remember what day it was. Or, if it was sunny, raining, or cloudy. all I remember are the numbers.  All the numbing numbers. 115, 213, 217, 48, 70, 08, 09, 3, 8 10 31and 6 11 18.  Just a bunch of random meaningless numbers; unless you are the owner of these numbers. Then, they hold a great deal of information, and feeling. We all have our special numbers, these are mine.

These numbers are forever etched into my mind, and represent Marla's life and death.  Funny thing with all this, is no one else knows; if I just say, "bummer, it's 1:15". which means a great deal to me. Someone else, would just say, SO, it's a quarter pass one, who cares.  I DO, that's who.  I sat, right by her side at 1:15pm as she took her very last breath, on 6 11 18. Worst day ever. For me anyway.

Then comes all the memories, and the chain of numbers connected to those thoughts. 2 17. That special month and day Marla was brought into this world, back in 70.  Both of us, wandered through life in a daze meeting people, getting married, having children, getting divorced, and trying again.... (we we're searching for each other).  Now both having ended our second marriages, we move and end up working at the same place. In 08, she asked me to accompany her to an event her oldest son was playing drums at.  Of course, I said yes. 

That night was the start of the end.  A very short several months later, we married; number 3 for us both. 10 31 09. Halloween will NEVER be the same.  Which brings us to 213. It's a song from the band, Slayer. We had discussed numerous tunes to have her walk down the aisle too. Just so happens, we ended up using this one. Just the intro. As she too, was a Slayer fan. I'm also a musician, and a year later I covered that song. It became our song and the favorite time of day to send a text. "2:13 Princess"   How ironic, this song is about death, and someone dying.

We had an Awesome, but very short 8 yrs together. It was 10 months, from 1st day of knowing it was Cancer to the day it took her from this planet. We both liked Nascar, and one of our favorite drivers, happens to be Jimmy Johnson.  His car #is 48.  Take a guess, at the age she died at.  Yep, 48.   All of these, once meaningless numbers, are now packed full of meaning and feeling. One or all, have the power to send me into a sadly, depressive, happily smiling cry fit of grief, at any given moment.   

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Comment by Pegasus on September 29, 2018 at 11:00am

I'd never thought about it until reading your post but I, too, have a set of numbers embedded in my memory, most having to do with the day my husband died.  As you say, no one knows except for one of those numbers.  Unfortunately, that number has impacted our daughter and will forever be one of her numbers too.  Her father died on 7/10/2018, her 27th birthday.  I'm so sorry for your loss and will pray for your comfort.

Comment by on September 5, 2018 at 4:28pm

We start to pay attention to things that have never been important before. A place, a number, a flower...the urge to have some connection and the despair of feeling attached to those things that are the few that bring us memories,Who could have imagined, that after a broken heart, and after being closed to the word of "4 letters" we would find the true and real one...we had given up and been hurt so many times...((Lifeunknown17)) it´s really sad that we have to keep attached to numbers, places, colors, foods and other things to keep in mind something that only us are able to feel.Sometimes we have the hope they might be reading our minds, and even reading these posts. I don´t know how much of the word hope we are still able to pronounce and to believe, but there´s always and there will always be a bitter taste on our mouths.

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