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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Today is my first wedding anniversary. Not just since my Marcus died in January... My first one EVER. He was killed one week shy of our four month wedding anniversary. I'm sad. Duh. But I can feel this molten lava-like anger building inside of me as the day continues. Anger isn't right... Fury is more like it. I want to scream. I want to go to the grain elevator and do damage. I want to kick someone. I'm just livid. I'm so broken today. Despite the efforts of my wonderful family to brighten my day with flowers, cards, and love, all I want is to be unhealthy levels of sad and mad... I want to throw a toddler-inspired tantrum. I feel so cheated by life right now. Absolutely wrecked on a deserted island.

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Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on Friday


I get what you're saying, the anger from an unnatural death is sooo very different. My rage burned through my body causing hyperventilation, pacing w/fists clenched grinding my teeth just trying to keep it contained. Bob-O was killed by a roadrage driver. There was no one who understood this level of fury - it was shocking & frightening to see me the first year ...
If I wasn't screaming till hoarse, I was brewing in a corner looking possessed, throwing rocks, punching holes in the walls, etc. Angry at God, the world, everybody & everything. Bob was too young to die, our kids were too young, I was too young - there was so much more to live for. It was all too "f'd" up to comprehend how he could be alive & happy, then hours later be at the coroner's office on a slab having an autopsy performed on him ...

The trauma lead me to acupuncture followed by massage on the same day to relieve/release rage, stress, OCD & anxiety. In addition, EMDR was provided by a licensed EMDR Therapist for other trauma issues requiring it's use. Had I done all 3 from the beginning, I would have prevented breaking 6 teeth, early menopause as well as nerve damage starting polymyalgia. The work is in is finding the best therapist, acupunctrist & masseuse. Insurance paid for counseling, however, massage ($40/hr) & acupuncture ($75/hr) were out of pocket twice a month for 3 years. I have never had one regret in spending that amount of money to maintain sanity & provide balance to be able to function ...

Try looking into modalities you think will help. They can truly be a lifesavers ... 

- Cheshire Cat, "I'm not crazy. My reality is just different than yours" ...

Comment by bblue5 on September 12, 2018 at 10:31am

I lost my husband 17 months ago and I still get angry for so many reasons. It's ok to feel what you are feeling. I found that keeping my mind busy so as not to keep thinking about the loss and all that goes along with it helped me. It is when I am alone (which is a lot of the time) that I find myself getting emotional and thinking and missing my husband. In the 17 months that have gone by I think I have just learned to live with it. 

Comment by Frank on September 10, 2018 at 8:11am

Hi Shellybean,

As they have said, go ahead and pitch a fit.  Careful not to break something expensive though like that wide screen TV or HiFi system!

This is the place to rage, vent, scream, cry, and talk.  The more we write the better things become.  Keep writing and include more feelings and more details.  Taking the time to write and the necessary organization of our thoughts, help us come to grips with ourselves and our situation.  When I first lost Susan and found this site, I read and I read and I read.  At first I wrote nothing. Then, an occasional note in one of the forums, or one of the groups would tug at me, and I'd write something to agree or compliment what the author had written.  I looked at the Chat room, but the laughing, chatting, and friendship, was just too much at that time.  Eventually though, I dipped my toes in the pond and jumped in.  

Be yourself.



Comment by MartyG (ver. 2.1) on September 9, 2018 at 6:30am

Dear Shelly....go ahead an throw that tantrum. need to do that. Others in "the tribe" will understand. You have every right to do so.....(((hugs)))

Comment by shellybean on September 9, 2018 at 5:16am

Heavy bag = punching bag. I do have a grief support group that meets once a month but I've been the only attendee for most of them. The local GriefShare just started back up but it's from noon to two on Tuesdays. I can't take the time off work.

Comment by Callie2 on September 8, 2018 at 9:34pm

Shelly, not certain about that comment, but let me assure you, you will get through this. We survive. Life can get good again, don’t ever give up hope. Holidays and anniversaries are difficult but after the first year or two, they get a little easier. (more bearable). Are there any grief support groups in your area? Some people find them helpful, I know I did. I hope posting here gives you opportunity to vent some of your feelings and read that others are experiencing grief the same as you. Just hold on, it’s a bumpy road but it will one day end and you will find peace.

Comment by shellybean on September 8, 2018 at 6:36pm

I have a 50# heavy bag in my garage... It and I have a date soon.

Comment by Callie2 on September 8, 2018 at 6:36pm

Hi Shelly. Yes, scream if you must—let it out. Life can be so unfair. Grief bundles our emotions sometimes so much that  we don’t understand what we’re feeling but anger seems to be quite common. The anger, the sadness, the tears...we need to feel all that in order for us to heal.  Sending you a warm hug.

Comment by Lifeunknown17 on September 8, 2018 at 3:49pm

Shelly, this is bad. i'm sad for you.  Hopefully you dont break anything , like your'er Phone, you just replaced.  have any boxes, you can kick around ? some old moving boxes.  toss in a couple blankets, tape it all shut, and kick the hell out of it.  or, hang it and smack it.   that way, nothing you like gets damaged. 

Since reading what you have said,  i'm dreading mine coming up even more than i was already. Mine's halloween, and i know its going to suck, might just be as bad as your day is going.  I havent really felt to much anger as of yet, but the wedding anniversary, might help that. ??  

Hopefully you tomorrow is better. 

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