I have 4 more years of school to go with the kids and then I am free to roam as Sean and I had planned to do. Only of course now, my plans, our plans, are all shot to pieces. Sean died and we never got to roam as we had planned. Do I go anyway, by myself? What will that look like? feel like? He was always saying "make memories"; "Live life" "travel the country" "see the world". We just never seemed to have the money to travel the world, but we did see a fair bit of Australia.
The irony now, is that when Sean died, he left behind some money in life insurance. I have more choices available to me. I want to honour him and go do all the things that he would have wanted to do and see, live life to the full etc. Only he misses out. I have to do them without him. He provided the means, but only through his death. It is all just wrong. He would want me and the kids to travel. He would want us to experience as much of life as we can. He'd be kicking us out the door. So I sit here dreaming of trips to do, places to go and see, weighing options and coming back down to earth with a thud when I remember he cant come too. To use a way over used term: "it's not fair". It is more than not fair. Its twisted, wrong, sad....I have run out of words. I cant seem to find the right ones. Living life to honour him, means doing what he would have done, and doing what he would have been proud of us for doing....only he cant share in it.
Empty - maybe that's the word?