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Living life to honour the lost....without them
I have 4 more years of school to go with the kids and then I am free to roam as Sean and I had planned to do. Only of course now, my plans, our plans, are all shot to pieces. Sean died and we never got to roam as we had planned. Do I go anyway, by myself? What will that look like? feel like? He was always saying "make memories"; "Live life" "travel the country" "see the world". We just never seemed to have the money to travel the world, but we did see a fair bit of Australia.
The irony now, is that when Sean died, he left behind some money in life insurance. I have more choices available to me. I want to honour him and go do all the things that he would have wanted to do and see, live life to the full etc. Only he misses out. I have to do them without him. He provided the means, but only through his death. It is all just wrong. He would want me and the kids to travel. He would want us to experience as much of life as we can. He'd be kicking us out the door. So I sit here dreaming of trips to do, places to go and see, weighing options and coming back down to earth with a thud when I remember he cant come too. To use a way over used term: "it's not fair". It is more than not fair. Its twisted, wrong, sad....I have run out of words. I cant seem to find the right ones. Living life to honour him, means doing what he would have done, and doing what he would have been proud of us for doing....only he cant share in it.
Empty - maybe that's the word?
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Comment by Miss Em (Emma) on October 3, 2018 at 3:39pm -
Thanks Athena, That was a great story and I loved your suggestions.
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Comment by Athena53 on September 28, 2018 at 4:29am -
Miss Em, I'm slowly working through this. Ron died in November, 2016 and we LOVED traveling together. In our case, it helped that he and I had been to so many places together before he died, so it's not that he missed out completely, but now I'm returning to some of the places he loved. or going to a museum and thinking, "Ron would have found this fascinating". He always knew things that I didn't (and vice versa) so it was a richer experience traveling together.
It also helped that we'd talked about this. Two months before he died, I booked a cruise through the Panama Canal six months out, knowing that he'd likely be gone by then. (He was.) I told him and he was happy for me. I'd also told him I'd deposit bits of his ashes in interesting places in the world. I just got back from a trip to Edinburgh and Paris, where I put some into the Seine and some at the top of Arthur's Seat, a mountain just outside Edinburgh, that we'd climbed together years ago. Edinburgh was at the top of our list- he was of Scottish extraction and we'd been there 3 times and loved it. I was SO happy I made it there.
So, no, it's not fair that Sean's death has provided you with the means to do what you had planned to do together, but you know that's what he wanted. Maybe try a few "baby steps" trips on your own and see how you feel before embarking on something that's a major expense without knowing how you'll feel. There may also be ways to remember him even in your travels if you're not into scattering ashes (which is, BTW, illegal in many places). Maybe write a note to him and leave it under a stone or let it go into a river?
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Comment by Miss Em (Emma) on September 27, 2018 at 5:15pm
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I dont think this post has come from racing thoughts. I am just processing the irony of being given freedom through the loss of my husband, that he would have loved to have had himself.
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Comment by laurajay on September 21, 2018 at 6:29am
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Emma. Appears you have quite a few things going through your head. Often this kind of chatter is referred to as Monkey Mind. Thoughts that scatter and do not seem to stop or resolve by themselves. There are several places online that give suggestions on dealing with Monkey Mind. While not answers/solutions the ideas are invaluable when your thinking requires quiet and or focus. I have used them and found them helpful https://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2017/02/28/8-science-base... since widowhood arrived unexpected . Here's the link to one of the places:
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Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on September 21, 2018 at 4:54am -
Racing thoughts can be caused by stress & anxiety from grief as well as PTSD ...
Try breathing exercises or some other type of physical work out. The more labor intensive you make it will relieve these symptoms. Gardening - shoveling rocks or dirt or crapola into a pile or wheelbarrow to move from one place to another, digging w/a spade to China, pulling weeds, pruning, chainsawing tree limbs ( my favorite), etc. It was also my favorite as well as the kids in getting out anger & aggression ...
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