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Well, they say it gets easier. I wish I knew, if that were true. It’s almost been five months now, and it still doesn’t even seem real. I find my mind wandering, in a fog, just not even functioning at all. I guess if I were to take a poll, people would think that it looks like it’s getting easier, easier than it was 3 months ago at least. Every day, I miss him. Every day, I miss Ericka. I shut my eyes and I imagine them as they were, Ericka in Washington, Rick in his chair. They visit me in my dreams. They look happy and whole. I sometimes feel like Rick is telling me that it’s OK. Then I wake up. I wonder, how could this be OK. It’s more than loneliness, it feels as if a chunk of me is missing. I struggle, as a Christian I should find some joy in knowing that he is at peace, and I do know that he is at peace.  And I wouldn’t want him back, not in the pain he was in. I know this is what he wanted, as for Ericka it was so unexpected but at least she went the way she would’ve liked to have gone.  I re-live each day towards the end, the last conversation I had with my sister; sort of feels like the movie Groundhog Day over and over and over. I often wonder if there was anything I could’ve done to have changed anything. I love then both so very much. I pray they know how much I loved them. I have much to be thankful for, kids, grandkids and parents. But I feel guilty for not finding more joy.It’s just a struggle every day. I want to just curl up in my bed, turn on the television, shut my eyes, and sleep.  It’s so strange, I never was one for television. But it’s hard to concentrate on the book, or project, as my mind starts spinning in circles. At least with the television, I don’t have to think. Well that was enough negative energy for the day. I don’t mean to be negative, I’m just in pain. 

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Comment by Marina on October 13, 2019 at 9:15am

10 months. It doesn’t seem that anything has changed. I go through the motions of living. I still feel like I’m in a fog a lot of the time. The best part of my life is when I dream. He’s so real and vibrantly alive in my dreams. For a few seconds when I wake everything is right again. And then reality crashes through. I was always the strong one. The decision maker. The go getter. Now I’m doing good to take a shower. The box of stuff I got for Christmas is still sitting in the exact place I put it when I came back home after his passing. I’ve cluttered it with all sorts of things on top of it. I’ve taken to sleeping in the couch. Totally unusual. I have a comfortable bed and a tv in my room. But if I sleep on the couch I can touch his recliner. The place he took his last breath. I have no idea if the pain will ever subside. I am so lonely. Even when I’m around my kids and grandkids. And I feel like a failure. He would not want this for me. I just miss him so much. I’ve never lived alone.  That doesn’t scare me, I have the dogs. It’s just so weird. Nobody to talk to. To hold hands with.  I have no idea what to do with my life. 

Comment by Marina on August 15, 2019 at 10:05am

A few days over 8 months. I feel worse than I did two months ago. The realization that he isn’t going to magically appear has sunk in now. All those years where we worked and travelled sometimes not seeing each other for a month or more has sort of come back to bite me in the butt. It just felt like he was on a job. We finally had his celebration of life last weekend. It was beautiful. Exactly how he would have wanted it. I didn’t cry. I didn’t smile. I saw a video with me in it and I just looked totally lost. Everywhere I go I feel lost. I know he wants me to go on, but I don’t know how. I pray constantly for strength and hope and joy. Yet I still feel alone. What a mess. 

Comment by Julie on April 30, 2019 at 6:24am

Trying to find my way

i am lost as well. I don’t want to be in thus state of pain but it comes from love of our spouses. How do u close off 44 years. They were not all blissful

years but we made it through tough times. There is no one to share our stories. You can image how many we have stored up in our brains. I journal and I blog here.That helps a great deal. My anxiety gets me down and afraid of venturing out into my new world. I am trying and I pick and choose wisely. I like

being around young people and happy people. I avoid negativity as best as can, I will let it happen once with some one and then that is the end of that friendship. A true free friendship lets you cry with them just for a little while. That is all we need. We will stop and catch our selves after we release the sorry.

my priest understands. He listens with the ear of the heart.he encourages us to do as well. Stay safe and sending love to all who are in need.

Comment by laurajay on April 29, 2019 at 1:04pm

Marina.  Seven  yrs  here.  I have  never  said  nor  felt  it has  gotten  easier  nor  "softer'  as  some  people  profess.   Not  ever.  BUT  it  does  change.  Neither  better or worse  but  changed.   You begin  to adapt  in your  daily  life.  Almost  without  realizing.  If  you  love  life  you  find  new  ideas and  habits  begin  out  of  necessity  at  first  and  then  as a new  routine.  But  not  because  you  force  them  or  some one  tells  you to  but  because  life  does go on-changed.  And  as your   soul longs  for peace and  happiness  small things  enter  your  life  that  change  you and  create  goodness and  joy.  You  might  think about  your  loved ones  everyday  but  as  you let  in  the good  things  in life  your  time  grieving  will  be  given  over  to new  thoughts  and  learning and  grief  thoughts  will not  be  as  frequent  or  intense.  Better?  For  me  it  has  been  a  change  only.  I loved  my  life  married  once  to one man  for  44yr+.   Can't  be  better now---  but  life  does  have  meaning,  beauty,  purpose and is  filled  with  blessings.   Your  grief is  very fresh  at  just  a  few months  and  you  may  need  more  time  for  changes  to begin.  Go  ahead  and  grieve. Feel  the  pain  and  share  your story as  long  as you need  to-don't  try to put  a timeline on your  grief! It  does  not  work like that.  Grief  takes  all the  time  it needs  and  will not  be chased away  because you think it should  be  gone.  TIME  and  patient  love  for  yourself  and  for  the  journey  you are  on.....   laurajay

Comment by chef (John) on April 29, 2019 at 11:24am

Everything you're feeling is normal--the loss of concentration, the crisis of faith, the wouddas/couddas/shouddas, the feelings of negativity, etc. I am sorry that you're dealing with the loss of your husband and sister in such a short time. Please go ahead and let yourself feel, even though it means you're going through a wringer. 

And don't worry about being negative. As you said, it's the pain with which you're now dealing. Hugs.

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