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Holding back the Sorrow and Pain so others don't feel it too

I have realized that I have been trying to find words to use that do not cause anyone pain or hardship. I have been trying to hold all my emotions in except in the early morning hours and late nights when I close myself off. Do you know how uncomfortable people become, even close family and friends, when you show your grief to them? I'm sure you do. I try so hard not to cause anyone pain or grief from my pain and grief. I made most of my family and friends stay away by using kind words. I couldn't face anyone or speak to them on the phone because I didn't want them to become sad or depressed. I didn't allow anyone to help me or care for me. That was after all, my husband's job, but he is gone now. There's no one else in this world that could be here for me as he always was. My husband helped me through some of the toughest times in my life: My brother's death, my oldest son's death, but not his death. 

Some days I feel as if a heart attack will occur but I welcome it if it does occur. The grief is more than I can bear many days but many don't know. I put on my mask and go through the day after I pray and grieve for a few hours alone in the early hours in the dark. 

Where is my future and why is it so blank and empty? I can no longer see into my future. I no longer look for a future. It's all gone and empty and blank. 

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Comment by AandC on September 12, 2019 at 2:58pm

I read through everyone's post and of course I became a little overwhelmed. I didn't mean for anyone to take this the wrong way. It was my choice, after all, to keep others away. I did communicate through text because it is the only way to keep from breaking down. Little by little, people come over to visit and after a few minutes, I'm ok. We hold a conversation and it seems to become a little more comfortable, but the grief is always there lurking and words are spoken that trigger the pain without the other person knowing. I am not an open cryer. I don't like to cry in front of others. The only person I ever cried in front of comfortablely was my husband. Now he's gone and certain words on the phone cause me distress. 

It's really hard. It's really fresh. It's a time that I'm sure none of us expected. I thank you all for your kind words. I really do appreciate them and I have learned that one person grieves the same but communicating with others who have lost a spouse does bring light to the darkness. 

Comment by AandC on September 12, 2019 at 1:47pm

Artist Suzanne, I don't go to social events. It hasn't been even two months since my husband passed away. Leaving the house for even a few minutes causes me pain. I have little by little left to drive my car or go quickly into Walmart, but then I am totally exhausted for the rest of the day trying to keep my emotions under control. 

If you need that companion, I would say, go to social events alone. I know that a companion would help you to feel as if you matter and are cared for. We, women, need that feeling. 

Comment by Cat on September 12, 2019 at 7:20am

Diva70 ~ I totally understand and if you are happy and at peace in your decision that is all that matters. No one should judge you for your decisions and doing what gives you  peace and happiness after losing the love of your life. I envy you dear lady, I only hope I can find that peace some day. I had a very rocky marriage and although we did have many wonderful and happy times and I loved him and miss him terribly, I'm still hoping even at my age there might still be a man out there that I can have that "fairy tale" relationship with. Who knows. If not, I'll be happy for the moments of love and happiness I did have with my husband. Peace & Blessings ~ Cat

Comment by DIVA70 on September 11, 2019 at 11:41pm

Thank you Cat for your comments. One of the reasons I came to this site was because I could speak MY truth. I felt I could say what I was really feeling with no fear or concern about being judged or criticized. One thing I have found out is that every one deals with grief in his/her own way. I am at peace with the decisions I have made over the past 15 months. As far as dating I have no desire or interest in dating. I had 50 wonderful and fulfilling years. I was fortunate. When I married I made the decision at the young age of 22 that I would be married one time and one time only. God granted my wish. I know of widow/widowers who have dated and even remarried after the age of 70 and are very happy. I am happy for them....but that is not me. I haven't stopped living. I have just chose to live on my own terms and that means not going to certain events just to prove a point. As I have stated before some people view reclusiveness in a negative light. For me it is calming and it gives me a feeling of peace. Take care....let's continue to do what we feel is best.

Comment by Pat in Ct on September 11, 2019 at 11:01pm

I know independence is worshipped by our society, but you have to let people help you when you need them. Fortunately, my very large family and my friends showed up immediately and made the funeral and the wake, and the pre-wake, post-wake, and post-funeral gatherings possible. I was lost. But they got me through. And they still call and visit. Even though it's embarrassing, I tell people how I really am when they ask. And they always step up, whether with a comforting word, or an invitation to get together, or whatever. If you know that you'll be there for them when they need you, then let them be there for you. When people say "Call me if you need anything," they really mean it. They might be surprised that you took them up on their offer, but they'll be happy to help you. They really will. They'll probably be flattered that you thought to ask them.

Comment by Cat on September 11, 2019 at 9:56pm

Ladies this is NOT RIGHT!! You should NOT feel uncomfortable around other people because your spouse died!! What the hell, it wasn't your fault!! You cannot lock yourself away and stop living!  If you are with family or friends do your best to have a good time and enjoy yourself, save the tears for when you are alone. BUT if you should cry or get depressed, and they see that, just say you are having "a moment" and you will be fine in a few minutes. Explain to them that unless they have lost their spouse they don't have a clue what you are going thru and there is no time limit on grief and it NEVER ends! Don't let ANYONE make you feel uncomfortable. Take control of your life and if someone makes you feel bad, they aren't worth being around! SUZANNE, there is a great dating site called Ourtime and I am on there, sign up and do your profile, and some nice pictures of yourself and meet a nice man and stop being lonely. There are many men in their late 70's and early 80's that are also lonely and looking for a nice lady to meet. I know this won't be easy, I have my days and I miss my husband terribly. But he is NOT coming back and until we are re-united in heaven, I have to go on. And so do you ladies. So you need to get started. Peace and Blessings Ladies ~ Cat

Comment by DIVA70 on September 11, 2019 at 7:20pm

I too discovered very quickly that it is uncomfortable and difficult for others to see you grieving. And so I have done just you have. I have not spoken to three of my sisters in almost a year. Its not their fault. I just know that they could not beat to see me in despair....and I don't have the energy to pretend to be happy when I am not. I do attend my church regularly. I get comfort and solace from the sermons. But I don't interact with others the same way I used to do. I think they are getting used to the change. I did attend Griefshare which was a big help. Maybe there is one in your area. Like you , my husband was with me during the most critical times in my life....the death of my father, the death of my mother, the loss of my two best friends. So, navigating this life alone for the first time in 50 years is hard. Hopefully, you can find one friend who will just be there abd who will give you a reason to smile through your pain. I have one. She was like a big sister to my husband and so when I mention his name or start to reminisce  she just listens. If she's with me she will just nod in agreement. Regarding the future.....I understand. The sad reality is that for some of us the futures lies with our spouse and we are just biding time until we are reunited. So what do we do in the meantime.....for me it's being there for my grandchildren and leaving a legacy of love. Whenever I can I try to do something to help someone in need. That makes me smile. Perhaps there is something you have always wanted to do. Why not try? If it just gives you a moment of joy I believe it will have been worth it. Most of all take care of your physical health. I wish you peace during this difficult journey.

g y


Comment by Artist Suzanne on September 11, 2019 at 5:18pm

Hello, I will be widowed 10 yrs. in January. I'm 79 and very lonely. I've had no dates and want a kind lover so bad. I don't go out much at all. I don't know how to be alone in social situations. I don't cry much anymore but I have depression and anxiety.Pillsfor the depression help alot but the anxiety comes back sometimes after I took my Clonzepam in the morning before I get up.

How do you go to social events alone?

Thank you,


Comment by AandC on September 8, 2019 at 6:35pm

Thank you for the comment as well as the hugs and blessings. Of course I really need them and will accept them gratefully. I have come to the conclusion that no one that hasn't lost a spouse has never felt this specific type of pain. 

When you said you cry all the time when you are by yourself, it reminds me of now when I'm alone and in the future when the boys leave in less than 3 years for college. Will I be a mess on the floor more often than now? I never want to loose his memory or love we had. 

Thank you for sharing with me. :) 

Comment by Cat on September 8, 2019 at 12:26pm

AandC I know exactly how you feel! It's been four and a half years since my husband passed and my mother passed away eight months before he died. Lately I just cry all the time when I am by myself. But I could be driving in the car or sitting at home, sometimes I get sad when I'm around my son and he asks what's wrong and if I tell him he just kind of shakes his head like I should be over it by now. But he just doesn't understand no one does. and no one ever will! You have to cry and let it out when you feel the pain. I know with time it has gotten better, but it will never stop hurting. Take care and hang in there. Sending hugs and blessings to you. 

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