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By Tim Claremont
It just wasn't meant to be.
(Oh, but your presence was etched in fate?)
God never gives you more than you can handle.
(Tell God to take this job and shove it)
When one door closes, another one opens.
(Yeah…I think the exit door just opened)
She is in a better place.
(Yeah, being married to me must have sucked!)
These things happen.
(Are you a bumper sticker theologian?)
I felt the same way when my great-great-grandmother died.
(And at only 104, too…)
So...what are your plans for the weekend?
(Maybe I will have the gumption to get out of bed!)
How much time off do you think you will need?
What are you going to do with her stuff?
(I thought I would donate it to you, of course.)
Was there a life insurance policy?
(Yeah, I made out like a bandit in this deal.)
How much was the policy?
(Not nearly enough.)
What are you doing with the money?
(Cruises, fast women, resort hotels…you name it.)
Can I borrow some money?
(Sure, the Bank Of The Dead is open for business.)
Didn't she look peaceful?
(Yeah, these mortician makeovers are great. I should have them do me up.)
At least you had a few good years.
(Yup. It was good to get that out of the way.)
She should have taken better care of herself.
(Wow. That was profound.)
You have to get out and do things.
(Oh, I do things. I fight with the bank, the DMV, the mortgage company…)
Why are you so glum?
I can’t wait for the day when I feel good enough to be considered “glum”.)
Are you depressed?
(Yes, losing that tax deduction is gonna cost me big time.)
I know what you are going through...my husband left me.
(With your sensitivity, I wonder why.)
We had to have our 182 year old cat put to sleep.
(This one just cracks me up.)
You can't stay depressed forever.
(You are right. Flip that happy switch for me, will ya?)
You look so strong!
(Yeah, the Olympics want to give me a medal.)
She died? Oh...was she sick?
(No, she just wanted to tour the afterlife.)
Was it something contagious?
(It sure was. This place is crawling with it, too. You better go!)
Was it something serious?
(No. It was one of those minor fatal illnesses.)
What are you feeling?
(I can’t decide if it is acid reflux or devastating depression.)
What did she look like?
(Ummm… laying on her back with all four paws in the air.)
Why did she have to die?
(She drew the short straw.)
Only the good die young.
(You’ll be around forever then.)
She did a lot of living while she was here.
(Was there a choice?)
She touched a lot of people.
(Speaking of touched…)
It just goes to show ya...
(And where should I file this nugget of knowledge?)
These things happen for a reason.
(You are privy to this grand plan?)
Call me if you need anything...vrooom...
(Wait! You sped off before I could get your number!)
Did she leave anything to me?
I think that stack of bills over there was meant for you.)
Why didn't you [insert drivel here]?
(Just stupid, I guess.)
Just think how her family feels!
(Let me throw my emotions on the shelf while I ponder this one.)
You only had her for 7 years, I had her for 29!
And I was just getting her retrained, too.)
Why did you pick that funeral home?
(They frown on shopping around, and they accept competitor’s coupons.)
Why did you pick that music?
(The local Polka band was out on tour.)
Why did you invite THEM to the funeral?
(Duh… to make more money on the cover charges.)
You know, if I were you, I would blah blah blah....
(Let me stop to jot that down.)
Do you think you will remarry?
(Not until at least next Tuesday.)
I think you should remarry.
(I don’t think she could stand at the altar very long.)
WHAT? How can you remarry?
(You get a license…)
What would she say about THAT!
(I put a call in to her, but she has not gotten back to me.)
Why don't you keep the house neat like she did?
(Because these tears sting my eyes to the point that I can’t see.)
Do you think she would do it that way?
(Let me email her and ask.)
Don't you think that is disrespectful?
(I didn’t until you brought it up.)
Why haven't you gotten a stone?
(The right one hasn’t popped up on E-Bay yet.)
When are you going to get a stone?
(When they go on sale. Got any coupons?)
Why did you pick THAT stone?
(They were three for a dollar.)
Did you get a double plot?
(There is a plot to this story?)
Why did you get a double plot?
(Odds are good that I will die, too. And buying in bulk is cheaper.)
How much was THAT?
(More than you would have paid, I assure you.)
You are going through the insurance money awful fast...aren't you?
(Yeah, but the chicks dig me.)
You should see my shrink, Dr. Numbknuts.
(Is he responsible for your great mental agility?)
Are you still seeing a shrink?
(Yup. The couch is so comfy.)
Don't you think you should see a shrink?
(Do you think one would want to date me?)
You aren't suicidal are you?
(Suicidal? No. Homicidal? Maybe.)
You have to eat more.
(Toss me them party chips!)
You are eating too much.
(Not because I am a great cook.)
Whassamatter...can't you cook?
(In between the teardrops.)
YOU need to keep in contact with us.
(I am looking forward to more of our conversations…really.)
God only picks the best.
(So this is just a case of free agency?)
It was God's will.
(Is there an appeal process?)
God knows best.
(And who, pray tell, would be the judge of that?)
Who are we to question God's work?
(Call me a constituent. I voted for him.)
God has other plans for her.
(Is that what he told you?)
You need to go to church.
(Do you think she will be there?)
Everything happens for a reason.
(Put me on the list for an explanation.)
When it's time...it's time.
(Is there more to that sentence?)
Are you going to sue the hospital?
(Yup. And the doctors, and the ambulance driver…)
YOU should have taken her to that other doctor.
(Tell my HMO what you think.)
I TOLD you that doctor was a quack!
(And who would know more about quacking?)
Why didn't you call me first?
(My speed dial button got stuck.)
That NEVER would have happened at MY hospital.
(This was a physical problem, not mental.)
If you lived closer to me she would have gotten better care.
(But think of the mental anguish…)
How much was the hospital bill?
(How many digits have you ever seen in one number?)
Why didn't you make her take her insulin?
(Because I wanted her dead, you dolt.)
Where were YOU when this happened?
(Making the life insurance payment, of course.)
You were supposed to wait a FULL year before making any major decisions.
(Painting the living room is a major decision?)
Geez. It has been three weeks...aren't you feeling better yet?
(I always get an allergic reaction to death.)
Last week you were fine, and now you are miserable. Is something wrong?
You will like being single again...trust me.
(Yeah, sharing a closet was brutal.)
Try to look good for the family, OK?
(Where are my priorities?)
If you would start taking anti-depressants you would feel better.
(Careful now. I don’t want to feel TOO good.)
If you would stop taking anti-depressants you would feel better.
(You mean it’s possible to feel worse?)
At least you were married. I can't even find a date.
(‘Cuz you are an insensitive clod.)
I heard they lose control of their bladder and bowels when they die. Is that true?
(I dunno. Let’s go to the videotape.)
Was it hard to pull the plug on her?
(No, they aren’t plugged in too tight. Just a gentle pull does the trick.)
You should have waited until I got there before you pulled the plug.
(Are you a cheerleader?)
Why didn't you continue treatment? She might have recovered.
(No pressure though, huh?)
Wouldn't you rather have her here, a vegetable, rather than pulling the plug?
(Ummm… I did not see that option on the menu.)
I would have pulled the plug sooner.
(There are laws against stuff like that.)
I NEVER would have pulled the plug.
(That’s why I didn’t call you.)
You used to be more fun.
(You don’t call this fun?)
I knew this was going to happen.
(Are you psychic, or did you just realize that EVERYONE dies?)
Didn't you see this coming?
(Nope. Forgot to read the horoscope that day.)
Did she donate any organs?
(No. But her piano is still here)
Have you seen a medium yet?
(Hell, I can't even squeeze into a large.)
She died...not you... cheer up.
(Zippity do da! I’m alive…and a widower! Where is my black outfit?)
Well, _______ had it a lot worse than you!
(Misery loves company. Her cat was so special to her.)
She was so nice.
(You didn't even KNOW her!)
What would you say to her now?
(Honey, have you seen the checkbook?)
Wouldn't you give anything for five more minutes?
(Well, I don’t know about anything.)
Well how do you think I feel?
(I haven’t the foggiest. Thankfully.)
What are you going to do with your life now?
(Find me another victim err… wife.)
She was probably trying to get away from you.
(Yes, this was REALLY said to me.)
Do you want me to keep her truck at my house for a while?
(Yes, I need more room for the new Ferrari that I ordered with the insurance money.)
If I was in your shoes…
(I would never wear them again.)
I better read that will for myself.
(Just ignore the parts that are covered with White-Out.)
Are you SURE she didn't want me to have that?
(If you can get her to sign it over to you, it’s yours.)