27th March, nearly made it, nearly survived the hardest year of my life.
In some ways it still feels like yesterday that you left, that my life imploded - in others a lifetime since you were here.
I can still come home some days and be surprised you aren't in the kitchen with my coffee like always but the pain is not so sharp anymore, I have reached an acceptance that I never thought I would, regret that you had to go, that we didn't get to fulfil the life we had planned - lots of regrets for that but an acceptance that my life is different now.
But overall I have a deep abiding gratitude that we had the time we did, that I was able to love and be loved in that amazingly beautiful way - there are people who live their whole life without ever experiencing love like that so I am blessed.
I didn't think I could survive without you, but you probably aren't as surprised as I am that I have, that I have come so far after the dark dark days in the beginning.
Its been a brutally hard year, adjusting to life without you, without your support and guidance (even when I didn't want it..) without your arms around me, your warmth, laughter and quiet strength.
There have been times when I was sure I wouldn't make it, couldn't do it on my own but I have and amazingly I no longer just exist, I am beginning to live, a life very different to the one we had planned but I think you would approve.
I have done things I never thought I was capable of, been stronger than I knew I could be and am building a future for myself, one that is guided by the love we had - I know what life can be and will not settle for less.
I don't want it to be a sad day, I want to celebrate the man you were, the love you had for us all and the memories we have.
I am sure there will be tears but so long as we can smile then it will be ok I think...
Rest in peace darling, with your pint of Stella and your feet up until it is time for us to meet again, thank you for loving me, for showing me that life is beautiful and to be lived
Your loving wife