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Well it has been 1 year now. I lost my love on 1-3 of 2013. I am so glad to be in a new year, Im not sure why, I still feel the same, but I suppose just to be done with the worse year of my life. I still cant wrap my head around it sometimes, I cant believe I have been alone for a year. I am glad to be past the year mark, not that I think anything magical will happen, and I will be suddenly healed, but just to know that I made it a year. It shows me that I can make it 2, 3, 5, 10, and so on. I will make it, I have to. I have no choice. It has been a tough journey thus far, and will continue to be. I have had to learn new things, such as cooking and cleaning, shopping for our girls, and trying to learn how to be alone. That is the hard part. I could really care less about all of the stuff like cooking and cleaning, I just miss my best friend, my supporter, my companion, my lover, my confidant, my teacher, my love, my wife! I don't feel like the pain has lessened any, I think I have just learned to live with it better. Friday was the 3rd, and her accident happened at 9 in the evening, around that time on Friday my insides felt like they did after I learned of her accident. I feel like the inside of me is all twisted up. It still hasn't let up, they still feel like that off and on as I remember last year. I feel so alone! The one person who could bring me comfort isn't here for me. It is also hard going into a new year at the same time Im glad to be finished with 2013. Although she only seen a few days of last year, this is the first year without her in it. The first of many to come, something I have to get used to. Whether I like it or not, this is who I am now.

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Comment by Jolie.P on January 19, 2014 at 7:37pm

I am so sorry for your loss.  I recently came across a quote from a you tube video 

"let go. be confident. know that now is only a moment and that if today is as bad as it gets, understand that by tomorrow, today will have ended." - Instructions for a Bad Day, John Goodgion…. check out the video..it touches upon grief. Keep on trucking…like you said, you have to. There is no other choice.
Comment by Clearwater Widower on January 7, 2014 at 10:12am

Dear Jake,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I know how you feel.  I lost Dawn Marie on January 12, 2011.  The first year was so very difficult.  I'm coming up on the third anniversary of her sudden and untimely death, and it does get better.  It still sucks, but it does get better, I promise.  Keep trudging along Jake and know that you are not alone.  My heart goes out to you and your family.  Much love :-)

Comment by smit09 on January 7, 2014 at 9:22am

Jake.

You are strong, you are sincere, you are understood by all of us here.  You and your girls should be proud of that strength and sincerity.  I can sense the pain you are feeling still through your words in this blog... but also because even after 2 years (for me) I am still missing my best friend, my supporter, my companion, my lover, my confidant, my teacher, my love, my husband.  I believe that will never go away, but you are right... you just learn to live and cope with it... and happiness, love and life will continue... just different, but it's there for us, in our reach.  Good for you, learning all your new qualities and getting through the year. 

Peace and healing continued to you good sir.

Comment by my roses on January 6, 2014 at 6:28am

My roses

Dear Jake  -  Know how you feel.  I lost Wes on 19th Jan 2013 and can't  beleive a year has gone by and I still haven't seen him.  Besides the physical one of not being able to hold hands etc.  it is the deep longing inside and the incredible pain.   There is another man on this site, whom you may know called Courtice and he has got two children and is doing all the cooking etc.  Maybe you could post with him.  he lost his wife in Jan 2013 as well.  Another factor that is not helping us all is that when we are happy, loved, being hugged etc our body is making 'happy hormones' called oxytocin and endorphins.  We feel joyful and  full of life. This is reinforced every time our beloved comes home and gives us a hug - our body makes these chemicals and we have another boost for the day.  Now we are not getting this happening and  the sorrow is partly because of this not functioning in our body.  HOpe this helps a bit.  I have lost the love of my life and I have had to do a few things to try and make a difference.  A small thing I did for Christmas is get some beautiful photos of Wes and I put on some items that I could carry with me all the time.  I  had photos put on 2 bags, one larger one and a smaller one.  I can carry them with me in the car or wear them.  The 3rd item was a picture of our wedding (showing Wes so loving) and I got it put on a lovely china mug - so I can use it every day. I also did a Celebration of his life at my home with music, I sang with anothe friend in a choir, and sang on my own some of his favourite songs. Showed pieces of our wedding DVD so people who had only seen him ill now saw him strong, healthy and happy.  Had a lovely morning tea, and  got another close friend to talk about Wes as a teacher etc. Had big display of framed photos, read some Valentine cards he had written to me.  It took a bit of organising, but as I had origianlly wanted to do it at the church and then they cancelled it... I felt it healed me to do it at home. 

Much love and blessings keep in touch if you wish to do so

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