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100 days
Tomorrow marks 100 days since Corey died. Presidents get 100 days to wow the nation and to prove they've got what it takes. I'm not sure how my first 100 days in the office of "widow" stack up. Granted, I have an entire lifetime in this position now, not just 4-8 yrs.
I have accomplished a lot: I've moved; I've got our dream home almost ready to go on the market; I've sold or given away a lot of our junk; I've dealt with much (but by no means all) of the bureaucracy that surrounds death in the US - including getting my $255 survivor benefit from social security (not sure who came up with that amount); I've travelled 3 times without Corey, including an overseas trip to the UK where we were together exactly a year ago when everything seemed so good; I've planned a Christmas trip with my mother as a way to get through the holidays; I am slowly churning my way through the process of shutting down our company and finishing up outstanding contracts; I've begun exercising again; my puppy and I passed basic obedience.
Not a bad list of accomplishments in 100 days, but at the same time I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I am a stubborn perfectionist, so losing my shit and not plowing headfirst through my miles long to do list was never an option for me. Failure is not an option. Corey had been sick or not really present in our life for the past 2 years, so in many ways functioning completely on my own isn't anything different for me; but it is because now there is never the hope that the old Corey will surface even for a few hours to make dealing with all of the crap on my own worthwhile. Now it's just crap I must deal with for the reward of not going to jail or not starving to death. Not the same at all.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not grieving enough, even though Corey's absence is my constant shadow. I can't count how many times a day in the middle of some mundane task I will stop and mentally shake my head at the fact that Corey is dead, gone, never coming back, not just at the hospital waiting impatiently for me to visit. Intellectually I'm well aware of this, but emotionally it still delivers a hefty punch several times a day.
100 days in an office I never hoped to hold.
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Comment
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Comment by telechick on August 6, 2012 at 8:11pm
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Thank you everyone for the encouragement and the compliments. I've been thinking about what I wrote and it really was those increasingly rare glimpses of the Corey whom I married and the hope that after he had his transplant more of the essential him would reappear that kept me going through the last two years of his life. It's tough not having that "reward" any more for all of my hard work.
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Comment by kimkirt (KK) on August 6, 2012 at 8:23am -
I cried when I received that survivor benefit. I don't understand that amount either. We all grieve differently, inwardly, outwardly, along this path. Hugs!
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Comment by Rebirth.Tanya (Tanya) on August 6, 2012 at 12:28am -
Beautifully written, and I agree- you are pretty amazing for accomplishing all that in just 100 days. That feeling like you're "not grieving enough" is completely normal- hold your sorrow gently- there really is no measure except taking it minute by minute, day by day, 100 days by 100 days, and on.
My heart goes out to you and I am sending you my prayers for comfort, peace, and strength...
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Comment by suebru (Sue) on August 5, 2012 at 10:55pm -
Beautifully written. You may not be President, but you are pretty amazing :-)
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Comment by Joyce on August 5, 2012 at 10:05pm -
You've accomplished more in 100 days than I have in 10 months, it's only in the last month or two that I've come out of my coma (other than work). Which is why I got my puppy to help keep me out of my coma. The heart punches still come and sometimes I still forget he is not here. Sending hugs to you!
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Comment by honeys(puddin) on August 5, 2012 at 8:40pm
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Sorry for cursing:(
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I hate these Anniversaries and milestones that we have to trudge through. I understand the feeling of just going through the motions. I too am doing the things that I need to do and all through the day I physically shake my head at the thought that he really is gone, really is not going to walk through the door after work, really gone forever. How the heck did I get here? I understand about feeling like you're not grieving enough. Today I was home all day really doing nothing but lazy stuff, mindless TV and just for one moment it felt like a normal Sunday and he was at the pool Hall playing pool for a few hours like he did every Sunday with his friends and sometimes I'd join him but mostly I'd enjoy the quite nothingness of the day. Just for a moment it felt like he was at the pool hall and was on his way home. Just for a damn fucking moment I had him back:(
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