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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Well, time marches on. It's now been about 18 months since the love of my life left this world. I did join a good support group and attended this for about 15 months. But now I am feeling like I need to remove the 'training wheels' and go on my own. I can't say it's particularly easy. It's not. But now I have the perspective that I'm definitely not alone in walking the lonely and harrowing path of grief. I say harrowing because unless someone has actually been through this, they really DON'T get it at all.  And very few people I know have gone through the loss of a spouse, so naturally they really can't relate at all. So it's a lonely existence on a lot of fronts. 

I am glad that somehow through this I seem to have had a reawakening of faith, which sort of surprised me. It's kind of like someone has flipped a switch and I'm hearing the Bible for the first time. Mind you, I have been going to church mostly regularly for the past 25 years, but this is different. It's like now I get it - at least far more than I did before. 

Still, days and nights are difficult. But underneath it all, I still have hope that no matter how things appear to me, there is a reason for all of this. I may never know what that reason is. All I know is that I have to somehow try to keep living; my loved one would never ever want me to sit with intense continual grief and not DO anything with my life.  What that 'new' life looks like, I do not know. But I do know that most people never get their lives 'all figured out' anyway. So it's still just one day at a time.

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Comment by DIVA70 on May 24, 2019 at 1:58am

I so understand what you are saying and I get it. It has been almost 13 months since the love of my life left me. I took attend a grief group and sought other resources to help me get a grip on my new reality. Sometime this month I realized that I could no longer isolate myself from my new life. My husband is gone and he is not coming back. I too realized that I have to find a way to make it on my own. I have had a wonderful support team but I realized that they have lives of their own and its actually selfish of me to expect them to continue to walk this road with me forever. Grief takes a toll on you. I know my Tony did not want to die but his body just gave out. I am actually glad he no longer has to endure the endless pain and countless trips to the doctors and being subjected to the crazy reactions his body went through in response to the different medications he had to take. 

So I took the first step alone earlier this month. I attended Grandparents Day at my grandsons elementary school. The last time I went was with Tony. The times before that our adult daughter went with us. I decided to go alone this time. My daughter-in-law did meet me there along with the three youngest grandchildren. The boys were so glad to see me. Their other grandparents live so far away Tony and I were the ones who always attended their school functions. I have decided to carry on what he and I started. The second step I took was to attend a church conference in South Carolina. This too would be my first time attending alone. I had some anxious moments before leaving for the airport but I but my faith and trust in God. From the moment I stepped off the plane and was warmly greeting by members of the host church I knew I had made the right decision. Oh I had some moments when my eyes filled with tears thinking about my loved one but I knew in my heart that he was pushing me forward. 

I can tell that some of my family members may feel that I have finally come back. What they don't understand is there is no going back for me. All I can do is move forward. 

Comment by Roxi on May 24, 2019 at 1:29am

Ciao lorraine welcome back...i like your strong determinati on to move  on with your life...i'm trying to do the day at the time...hugs ciao roxi

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