Well, time marches on. It's now been about 18 months since the love of my life left this world. I did join a good support group and attended this for about 15 months. But now I am feeling like I need to remove the 'training wheels' and go on my own. I can't say it's particularly easy. It's not. But now I have the perspective that I'm definitely not alone in walking the lonely and harrowing path of grief. I say harrowing because unless someone has actually been through this, they really DON'T get it at all. And very few people I know have gone through the loss of a spouse, so naturally they really can't relate at all. So it's a lonely existence on a lot of fronts.
I am glad that somehow through this I seem to have had a reawakening of faith, which sort of surprised me. It's kind of like someone has flipped a switch and I'm hearing the Bible for the first time. Mind you, I have been going to church mostly regularly for the past 25 years, but this is different. It's like now I get it - at least far more than I did before.
Still, days and nights are difficult. But underneath it all, I still have hope that no matter how things appear to me, there is a reason for all of this. I may never know what that reason is. All I know is that I have to somehow try to keep living; my loved one would never ever want me to sit with intense continual grief and not DO anything with my life. What that 'new' life looks like, I do not know. But I do know that most people never get their lives 'all figured out' anyway. So it's still just one day at a time.