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yesterday was October 20 which is 2 months since my husband Tom suffered a heart attack and died. So last night was one of those nights where I hardly slept. Remembered how I found him on the floor, blue face eyes open with purples fixed and dialiated. I did CPR, until  the police and paramedics arrived. They did everything possible in the house and at the hospital, but to no avail. My grief counselor says not to watch to much tv.  It’s noise in a to quiet house. It’s something that helps pass the hours of the day. It’s something to make my mind not think about my new “normal” which I hate nor expected to be in at 60 years old.  Yes! we had a good 38 years, but I expected more.  Like I told someone Friday, cook? I don’t cook now, I hardly eat now. I hardly go buy anything at grocery store.  I always cooked for us. It’s very hard for just 1. Everything in the freezer was portioned for 2 before he died, now it’s just a lot of food I throw away. I just went through a bunch of recipes that were things he liked, or wanted me to make for him. I just put them all in the garbage. The first few weeks after he died it was hard to go into the closet and see all his cloths hanging there. Now, it does not but I’m not ready to clean out all his cloths yet. I have his urn in the bedroom, and I talk to it or his picture on his night stand.  I still put pillows on his side of the bed when I sleep. I now sleep in the middle of our king bed. We had so many retirement plans, they all vanished that horrible day. I now know I’ve experienced the 3 worst days in my life, when I found him on the floor, next day planning everything at the funeral home, and his memorial service.  All equally horrible.  Our 38 anniversary was 10/4 and my grief counselor said to me that day , when I was so distraught about we almost made it to 38, “ you did make it to 38, she said, and you will still make all the anniversaries you have, until 20 to 30 years from now when you join him.” Ok, I can be on board with this. He is gone forever physically, but still here with me spiritually. Since his death wierd things have happened in my home and I know it’s Tom. One I’ll mention was on 10/4 after my grief counseling I went to my neighbors for a little cry/talk. When I walked back into the house his phone did the tone it does when there is a message on the screen. So I walked over to see what was on it and it was blank. Not only that when I pushed the home button on the iPhone it was still blank. So I said out loud “happy anniversary Tom”. I’m still so sad.  I’ve released my anger that he died. I think. It’s all new every day. It’s amazing how grief this severe goes in waves for me. Now I can most of the time tell someone either my husband died or I’m now a widow and not totally lose it crying. But I’m so TIRED of hearing I’m sorry for your loss. I want to say you have NO IDEA.  Tomorrow will be another day 

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Comment by GTG on October 25, 2018 at 6:54am

I feel your pain. It has been almost 10 months since I lost my precious husband to a sudden heart attack on NYE. My entire world was rocked and my faith shaken. You are still in the very early days when everything is so raw and the fog is starting to lift, and the bitter taste of reality is well- bitter.

Please know this: IT GETS BETTER.  You can't possibly see how but it will soften, you will realize that love never dies and you will have happy days once more. I'm not sure what I can offer accept list a few things that made a huge difference for me...   

                                                                                                                      1) this website and finding friends who know the pain we are all suffering 

2) Start a journal- it helps! Make of list of the things he used to say. Make a list of things you are grateful for- When you have a GOOD day write it down so you can remind yourself that there are indeed good days.

3) I started on-line therapy for $65/week and it has been a saving grace. I do video sessions with her and I love that I can do from my living room

4)watch a few TED talks on GRIEF and other related topics - this will help change your brain and re-frame your situation.. (ie: We must not focus on our loss rather on the beautiful life that we celebrated)

5) READ.... I read a new book every 3-4 weeks now to help me grow. 

a few that I find noteworthy: OPTION B, HAPPILY EVEN AFTER, A LAMP IN THE DARKNESS

6) go for a walk... and keep walking. BREATHE. Even if you don't feel like it and pray. 

7) get a massage ... the touch will release good hormones. It's so important to take of yourself. Love yourself. 

8) CRY... He's worth every tear 

9) when people call you to go out... GO.... force yourself. It stinks but overall you will be glad you forced yourself out of the house and your friends need to know that you are OK. 

10) on the days when you just can't do anything... make a list of 3 things to accomplish and give yourself a break . 

**

"Sit in reverie and watch the changing color of the waves that break upon the idle seashore of the mind." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 
He is very much still with you- talk to him, kiss his picture and keep him close. Knowing that Kevin is still with me gives me incredible strength. You had a beautiful life and it is sad that he is gone. There is nothing we can do to bring them back- the ONLY thing we can do at this point is honor them. How do we honor them now? By living the best life we can from this day forward. He wants you to be happy. Day by day, step by step you will find peace. It's okay to laugh, to cry, to scream... the only way to get through is to go through it. Embrace the pain, avoid resisting and surrender is the only way to a new chapter for me.When I have a wavy day I have a breakdown but then I find my most productive day follows. This is what I know in 10 months. I have tried everything possible to not "get stuck" ..Nothing you are doing now is easy.  We are all holding your heart dear. You are not alone. 
Comment by Mrs Bear on October 24, 2018 at 11:09pm

It's been 6 months since I lost Bill suddenly from PE at 49. I also did CPR.  Ever since I am now traumatized when I see CPR on TV. My compass in life is broken right now. I'm in unchartered and unwelcomed territory.  I guess it's one step at a time.

Comment by vintage56(barb) on October 24, 2018 at 4:19am

I was like you after Frank died. I no longer wanted to cook or bake like I did for him. I lived off Lean Cuisine. I went to a psychic fair about 5 months after he died and the psychic told me, out of the blue, "You aren't cooking or baking anymore, he misses that. He wants you to go back to doing that." So I did, when I make something I talk to him and tell him he would like it. I still tear up bad when I see the recipe for Apple Yogurt Muffins in my file. I downloaded it from a PBS station when we were watching a program on a local apple farm and he said it sounded good. It was in a very brief happy time between the end of his first round of chemo, when we thought he was cured, and the time when he cancer came back.

And about the phone, shortly after he died at home, the phone rang and no one was there. I told my friends who were with me, "That was Frank letting me know he made it to Heaven OK." And a few days later, calling a government office, the music on hold was "Whenever you need me, I'll be there..."

((((hugs)))) and hang in there. You will make it.

Comment by jlsrdh on October 23, 2018 at 5:13am

LadyG Yes, I was so fortunate that I found "It ok your not ok" about a month after Tom's death. It validated so much of what I was feeling or had already experienced. Her piece on "grief at the grocery store " was for me exactly what I experienced. 2 weeks before I read this book I had already told my grief counselor  I was so glad no one knew me here and I was anonymous when I shopped. We had only moved to this state 6 months before his death. I could not even now handle it if someone I know ran into me at a store and inquired about "what happened".  I also read Dr. Phil McGraw  "REAL LIFE preparing for the 7 most challenging days of your life." His section on when someone you love leaves you was great. He said a few things that have really stuck with me. "Unless you die very young you cannot escape the day your heart is shattered",
"you don't get a vote when someone you love dies"," you can love, lose, and survive," "and if you love deeply and invest passionately you will suffer, plain and simple". These 2 books for me hit it right on the head. Book 3 for me was written by Marie C. Ricks, my grief counselor. I asked her if I could tell this site about it and she said yes. "Grief & Loss  Individual & Group workbook  Recognition, Response and Recovery" I had to buy on Amazon. It is a book with chapters on all the things we go through with grief basically. you get to write your own answers in the book. She makes me do a chapter a week. I takes me about 20-30 minutes to really think about my feelings and answer. I only found this widow site with the first book the Its ok your not ok as she listed it.

I see her today 

Comment by LadyG on October 22, 2018 at 10:35pm

It's true.  Unless someone has been through this they really have NO IDEA.  That is why we are here for each other on this site.

I came across a book earlier this year.  It was good for me.  I only wish it had been available and on my radar 3 years ago.  I HIGHLY recommend it.  The author was a counselor whose spouse died. After that she saw things in a whole new way.  The way it is for US !

The book is called IT'S OK THAT YOU'RE NOT OK by Megan Devine.  Trust me and find a copy or read it online.

You are not alone and we, your widowed community, are here for you.

Sending caring thoughts,

Lady G

Comment by Pegasus on October 22, 2018 at 3:21am

It's been 3 months for me since my husband passed.  We were fortunate in that Bob was diagnosed as terminal the month before he died so we got a bit of lead time.  His clothes still hang in the closet, some are folded in the laundry room and his shirt and a pair of pants are draped across a chair in the bedroom.  They'll stay where they are for awhile.  I'm in no hurry.  The living room tv stays on 24 hours a day on his favorite channel.  Hearing it in the background is comforting.   Bob's estate is still in probate and I'm in the midst of sorting out his finances so it'll be awhile before I can create a new normal.  I've made a start though by donating his two cars 2 weeks ago.  I don't sleep much and I don't sleep well but I'm hoping that will improve on its own.  After hearing "I'm sorry for your loss" a dozen times a day, every day, I, too, am a little weary of it but I try to remember that people's hearts are in the right place so I take it in stride.  It's been rough but I keep going - for him, for me and for our two grown children.  Keep the faith. Anytime you want to talk, I'm here. I'll be happy to give you my primary email address.  

Comment by jayne on October 21, 2018 at 6:38pm

six months for me just going thru the motions,good days when i think ive got this! but no i dont!i stop by the grave 2,3 times a week putting flowers down,take to him for a sec then leave,,i havent figered out what im doing or why and where im going with life,,im working that is good for me but i really just want to stay home in bed for a week or ? i know better self pity will come in,,i have 2 little dogs that keep me going dont know what i would do if i didnt have them,they run to the door when i get home and are happy to see me,,i live with the guilt that i wasnt in the hosp at 230am when he passed,i was on the phone with his doctor telling me they were going chest comprestions, he had had a stroke 10 days before that and was ok but then the last 3 days he wasnt responding to anything,like in a coma or something,they were going to run more test to see why, i left that night  and was coming back at 930 am as always but he passed alone,,that haunts me i miss him soo much,,,

Comment by soulmate on October 21, 2018 at 3:53pm

I do undestand what you are going through. It is agony. It will be 2 years for me this November 22nd I lost my soul mate to cancer. You aren't alone-I am suffering with you. 

I think it's important to cry. I still do. I don't enjoy it, but it, loss, overwhelmes me some days and I just tear up.

Hang on.

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