The last two days have been miserable to say the least. Everything, and I truly mean just about everything, has reminded me of my wife. I saw a picture of a salad today that had pomegranate seeds on it, and thought of her and the bags of frozen pomegranate seeds I now have inherited. I tried to deal with the old DVD collection and move it into folders out of the cases so it would take less space, and I see so many movies we owned that I just would have zero interest in watching again without her. Day after day I wonder if I really have any interests of my own other than playing with a computer. Hiking was her thing, Astronomy was her thing (I now have two large telescopes that I hardly know how to use), Family Tree work was her thing. I loved hanging out and doing these things with her, but they weren't really me. People say find a hobby, but I don't know what interests me that I can do alone.
Time and again people say it is still early, you are still grieving. Well folks, I don't see the grieving part stopping any time soon. I need to learn to work with the grief to set it aside for times so I can get real things done. If I let it just win I won't have a job, I won't have a life and I certainly won't be me. I am starting to become comfortable, all be it not happy, with the fact that I am in a new reality. That what I knew before doesn't exist anymore and that I have to find my way in this new world. Impulses tell me to shed old things, find a new job, move out of our house, replace the 1 year old car...but my wife's years of preaching impulse control have stopped me from doing something stupid. It is too early in this journey to throw things away that can't be recovered. I need to take time, explore and see what is out there and decide what I no longer need and what I truly want.
A few things I do know already, I need to get better at managing my caloric intake, my wife also helped with that by sort of guiding our eating habits during the day. She wasn't commanding, she quietly lead me to know that I probably didn't need a cookie after the large meal or that a bowl of popcorn was probably unnecessary tonight. In two months I have managed to gain 10 pounds. Admittedly in the last two months of my wife's life I had managed to drop 12, but really 5 of that I had intended to drop, so at the moment I am a net plus 3 to 5 pounds over where I want to be. I have started getting back on my walking routine, walking 2.5 miles to a train station when the closest station is 100 yards away from my office, and there are 2 other stations between that one and the one I walk to. I joined up a fitness program that I have done every year with my wife, rejoining the team she used to lead. It will be bittersweet as I won't get the weekly reminder from her to tell me to put in my minutes.
That said, I wish I knew how to move forward in a world that she colored for me. Everything seems so dim today. I am sure one day it will all make sense again, I will still miss her, I will still grieve for her, but I will find ways to enjoy the world again. While not as colorful or bright, the world will come back into focus. I will remember what she taught me about taking a moment to notice the ladybug on the flower, or to read the signs along the historic trails.
Until then, I will just keep trying to take one step forward, to end the day a little further along the path from where I began. I will try to do what she asked me to do, take care of myself and remember her. I will continue to remember the last 3 words she said in her life which was "I Love You", it made this so much harder because in that last minute she permanently linked my soul to hers and said you are mine, but it also made it so much better because I know how hard it was for her to do and therefore how much it meant to both of us. I am glad that so many of us have found a place to share our grief and hopefully our journey forward. I hope that we continue to support each other as we slip back and give that gentle tug in the right direction. I know I have needed it.