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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

It has been 2 years since my husband has passed. I miss him so much. I miss feeling his arms wrapped aroung me, his hand reach out to hold mine. The love, the emotional support, the comfort and security.... those hugs, the holding of hands, were so much more than physical.

I find I am crying myself to sleep this holiday season...again. I smile when I look at photos of our past together, but as much as I smile at the loving memories, I find tears stream down my face- missing him, his laughter, his love, it hurts.

I do my best, trying to live in the present. I know it may not appear that way to those around me, but I am trying. 

This trying my is exhausting. Maybe next year, I tell myself.....maybe next year.

Next year, what?

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Comment by KayeL on December 18, 2018 at 2:18pm

Hugs. This coming holiday will mark my 3rd xmas without my husband. He passed away in January, 2016. 

Nov 2015, right after we returned from our annual Asia trip, he fell ill after Thanksgiving then was hospitalized for the entire month in December.

Few days after new year in 2016, he passed away suddenly from complication of pneumonia and cardiac arrest. He was just 40 when he died, I was 35, left with a toddler son who was just 2yo.

This xmas will be my third one without him. Holidays to me have been nothing but loads of horrible memories- his sickness then his month-long hospital stay at the end of year didn't help me to enjoy the time of the year. I told my son I can't celebrate any holidays, at least not yet. Every year I was hoping I will be able to start doing something special for my kiddo. Again, I don't plan to do anything special this year.

It's tough, and I concur the joy of having a loving companion. Nothing physical, but the mere joy of sharing moments with the person we chose to be our life partners. 3 years here and I have been living a lonesome life. Parents, close friends and families are miles away from me. And friends at my age all have their young families, no one cares about me spending holidays alone. Good thing is my widow fog has slowly being lifted, not much, but I am more used to be alone. Holidays, holidays... they mean nothing much to me anymore. I just hope time flies by more quickly so that my son is back to school. While he enjoys his time with his peers, I get to have few hours of quiet time myself. In few days, my 24/7 FT job as a mom will sure tire me out when school is out. Not looking forward to that.


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