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 When will I stop counting the days?

Loneliness seems deeper daily.  I miss Rick. I miss Erica. Apparently this is the new normal.

I’m trying to find joy, but it’s so hard. I know this will never be easy, people say it will get easier. I think I would be happy with just easier. Each day seems to  last forever. I’m looking for an escape route. But there isn’t one. I don’t ever wanna forget, I just wanna be able to get through the day without crying. They say if you hold your tears in, it can actually make you sick. So I guess I should be pretty healthy. I find joy in some music, but also tears since music seems to be a trigger.  My eating habits have become worse than ever. It’s so hard to cook for just one person. Nothing sounds good, so I eat whatever is laying around. I know I need to find a purpose. I believe God has a purpose for my life. I pray daily to be able to have that purpose revealed. I’m very grateful for my dogs. If I didn’t have them to come home to, I may never go home.  I’m trying to get out more. Visiting kids and grandkids. I still feel like I’m kind of in a fog. I’m working part time. I know I need to find a full-time job again. Just so many changes and that seems overwhelming. My kids say I’m strong and brave, and that I will be ok.  Sure glad they don’t see me at night when I’m crying myself to sleep.  It’s crazy how life can change in an instant. I know that I will survive.  But there are days that I don’t want to, I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Then I feel guilty, because that’s not what Rick would want for me. I know my sister Ericka Would be mad if I gave up as well. One expected death and one unexpected death, neither one of them are easier than the other. It’s strange, because I thought for some reason that letting Rick go would be easier. Knowing that he’s not suffering or in pain any longer, I thought would bring me peace. It does bring me a measure of peace, but the pain it’s so hard to explain. I didn’t just lose him, I lost my every day life. Taking care of him was my purpose. It was my life. I’ve been an extension of Rick for so many years, and now I don’t know who I am anymore. I know I’m in here somewhere, but at this point I can’t seem to find anything to distract me. Even reading seems to be hard. I don’t want to scrapbook because then I would have to look at pictures which would then cause me to cry more. I’m learning how to crochet, not very well But it’s crocheting. I watched a lot of TV. I never used to watch TV at all hardly just a movie occasionally. Now I’m watching multiple series and documentaries  and anything that will just turn off my brain. I stare at the clock, waiting for it to become 8 o’clock, so that I can go back to bed. And then by 5 AM, after getting up at least twice during the night, I’m up drinking my coffee again. Alone.  Well that’s it for today. I think I will try to get out of the house, get a little sun, go to church, go help someone, maybe try to read a book.  

Maybe I’ll start a real blog. A blog of our life. My psychologist thinks that would help. At this point I have three tasks. The first page I need to write what is lost? On the second I need to list what is left. And the third page is what is possible? I’ve been able to write tons of things on page 1 and page 2, I’ve put two things on what is possible. 

 I will say, I’m very grateful for this website. Reading others journeys, different ideas on how to cope, giving validity to the fact that I am not losing my mind, all of these things are helpful. Getting on the chat site occasionally is also nice. It makes me feel like I’m not alone. 

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