Tomorrow, Feb. 17th, will mark 4 years since my husband's death. That was the last "normal" day of my life. I died that evening too, and can't seem to come back to life.
I met my husband when I was 16, married at 18, and was 64 when he died. So we were together for 48 years. He was my first and only love. He died in an instant from a blood clot to the heart. He was a strong, healthy man who loved life. I haven't moved very far in these four years. I've tried. I've been social, I've done grief groups, grief therapy, and now regular therapy. I go to an exercise class regularly.
I think the suddenness of his death and seeing it happen changed my brain. Sometimes I still can't believe he's gone. Almost every day at some point I ask myself, " Is this weak, insecure, lonely soul really me?" My life was so ordinary, like everyone else's. I thanked God every day for all the blessings we had. And then in an instant it was gone. I just don't think my brain has absorbed it all, even now. I was a strong, capable, confidant woman. I didn't realize how much of my strength came from my husband. He was my "rock", my comfort and security. We just lived a normal life and took good care of each other. Now I don't really feel like a person. I feel so detached from the world.
I suffer from severe anxiety and depression. Medication helps the anxiety, but nothing helps the depression. Not antidepressants, not exercise, not therapy. I wake up every morning in a black cloud. It does get better as the day goes by, but it never leaves. The anxiety is sometimes debilitating. My energy level is so low, and my memory is affected.
I'm really not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just so afraid because at 4 years I should be so much further along. I was better the first couple of years than I am now. Is anyone else in this situation this far out? I just really need some reassurance right now.
Thanks to anyone who reads this for letting me vent.