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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Tomorrow, Feb. 17th, will mark 4 years since my husband's death. That was the last "normal" day of my life.  I died that evening too, and can't seem to come back to life.

I met my husband when I was 16, married at 18, and was 64 when he died.  So we were together for 48 years.  He was my first and only love.  He died in an instant from a blood clot to the heart.  He was a strong, healthy man who loved life.  I haven't moved very far in these four years.  I've tried.  I've been social, I've done grief groups, grief therapy, and now regular therapy. I go to an exercise class regularly.

I think the suddenness of his death and seeing it happen changed my brain.  Sometimes I still can't believe he's gone.  Almost every day at some point I ask myself, " Is this weak, insecure, lonely soul really me?"  My life was so ordinary, like everyone else's.  I thanked God every day for all the blessings we had.  And then in an instant it was gone.  I just don't think my brain has absorbed it all, even now.  I was a strong, capable, confidant woman.  I didn't realize how much of my strength came from my husband.  He was my "rock", my comfort and security.  We just lived a normal life and took good care of each other.  Now I don't really feel like a person.  I feel so detached from the world.

I suffer from severe anxiety and depression.  Medication helps the anxiety, but nothing helps the depression.  Not antidepressants, not exercise, not therapy. I wake up every morning in a black cloud.  It does get better as the day goes by, but it never leaves.  The anxiety is sometimes debilitating.  My energy level is so low, and my memory is affected.

I'm really not feeling sorry for myself.  I'm just so afraid because at 4 years I should be so much further along.  I was better the first couple of years than I am now.  Is anyone else in this situation this far out?  I just really need some reassurance right now.

Thanks to anyone who reads this for letting me vent.

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Comment by Heidi57 on February 25, 2019 at 5:57pm

I'm very sorry for your loss.  So much of what you said resonates with me.  I met my husband the day before I turned 17, engaged 3 months later, together 44+ years, and married for 42+.  We retired the summer of 2016 but sadly his health worsened by early 2017.  I lost my soul mate, my friend who made me laugh each day, the father to our sons and grandfather to our two grandsons.  He passed away on Sept. 22/18 (age 64) and I have no words to express how devastating this was.  I too suffer from anxiety and depression and while the drugs have kept me somewhat stable I still suffer anxiety attacks at times and they can be very debilitating.  My depression has me feeling like I'm trying to walk thru a dark fog but I'm going to my doctor so I don't get worse.  Better would help but not having my husband to talk to or have him tell me I can get thru anything with him by my side has me so very lost.  My dog gets me up each day to let her out and to feed her but I there are days when I can't do anything but go back to bed.  

Four years is still a very, very short time after having your rock for 48 yrs.  Be kind to yourself and know there are so many of us who walk our own path but it can be similar to yours.  

Comment by LandL (Linda) on February 20, 2019 at 10:39am

You can also just click on the blue Lostandlonely at the top of my message here and it will take you to my profile page.  Under where it tells where I'm from is an envelope that says send message and you can send from there.

Comment by LandL (Linda) on February 20, 2019 at 6:08am

Racingfan60, You have to go to the main page here at WV.  Go to the very top of the page to the right and you'll see Racingfan60 in a black rectangle.  Click on it and your inbox will show that you have any messages.  I left a short message there. Let me know if you got it.

Comment by Racingfan60 on February 20, 2019 at 3:08am

If you have messenger I can email you on there if you want to. May I ask how old you are and where your from I am 62 I was 59 when my husband passed away and I live in Talladega, Alabama.

Comment by Racingfan60 on February 20, 2019 at 3:06am

Did you receive my message to you I tried to email yo through the blog on Widowedvillage.org but I keep getting a failed message I tried several times yesterday but this morning I notice on Widowed Village that my message to you went through if it didn't go through let me know and I will try to resend it again. Hope your doing as good as possible today.

Comment by Racingfan60 on February 19, 2019 at 5:25am

Good Morning LostandLonely: My name on here is Racingfan60, I am 62 years old and your husband's death is exactly like my husband's death was he was 57 at the time he had already unwent several surgeries which included a torn bicep surgery, rotator cuff surgery, a total knee replacement and 2 hip replacements he had undergone physical therapy after each of the surgeries and we thought everything was looking up for use healthwise his recent health scare was in March/April 2016 when a routine physical exam revealed his PSA numbers were high I took him to a urological specialist which was about 100 miles round trip from our home because my father had previously used this same specialist for his prostate cancer and he never had even a slight problem well after many scans the urologist told us that my husband had prostate cancer he went over the different options we had for the cancer my dad had chosen External Beam Radiation instead of having the prostate removed since he was still in his 50's and my dad had experienced no problems whatsoever we had to travel 100 miles every day for 8 weeks at the end of 8 weeks we were sent home to wait for 1 month before returning to the urologist office to get blood work done to see if the treatments had worked we went to the office on July 26, 2016 which was a Monday now mind you while we were undergoing 8 weeks of treatment my husband saw the radiation doctor every Thursday he would ask my husband if he was having any problems my husband began complaining about shortness of breath about week 4 but the radiation doctor said it was caused by the extremely hot weather we were having he never even listened to his heart or anything so we assumed everything was ok on July 26, 2016 we went back to the office to have his blood work drawn everything seemed fine on Wednesday July 27, 2016 we were getting dressed to take my youngest son back to college for his second year and to help him move into his dorm room my husband liked taking tub baths because he had arthritis in both hips due to the replacements me and my oldest son was sitting in our den when we heard my husband fall my son said dad has fell getting out of the tub but when I got to our bedroom he was laying in the floor gasping for breath he had hit his head on our dresser when he fell I yelled for my son to call 911 it seemed like it took the ambulance forever to reach my house while we were waiting me and my son performed CPR on my husband my oldest son had been on the fire department and knew CPR we got him back to breathing my son said when he gave mouth to mouth to my husband he could taste blood finally the EMT's got to my house my son knew the 2 EMT's who came out they put some kind of machine on him and they asked me what happened they got my husband to where he could speak again they asked him if he knew where he was, how old he was and what day of the week it was he answered all but one correctly they worked on my husband for about 10-15 minutes they then rolled my husband over on to a sheet on the floor so they could get him on a stretcher when they were going up my hallway I heard my husband scream out that he could not breathe I was still in the bedroom trying to get all of his medication together to take to the hospital my mom and dad and youngest son was in our front yard when the EMT's went out of our house my dad saw my husband the moment he took his last breath because his arm went limp they got my husband to the ambulance where they worked on him and have him epinephrine but my husband was already dead my oldest son and I followed the ambulance to the hospital we arrived at the hospital a few minutes after the ambulance we were told by a nurse to come with her she took us to the chapel I asked my son why we were in the chapel and he said he really didn't know but there was a chance my husband had died about that time a doctor and nurse came in and told us my husband had died I was so shook up that I did not ask for an autopsy and many attorneys have told me if I had had an autopsy done I could have had a case against the doctor for not doing anything for the shortness of breath. So it seems like me and you both worked on our husband during their last minutes of life.

Comment by Callie2 on February 17, 2019 at 12:42pm

Lost, we’re all different so try not to rate yourself at four years. Sometimes our progress seems very slow and we may feel like we’re regressing. You’ve probably read here that grief is not linear—that means it can be an up and down, turn you around kind of feeling. Grieving requires a whole lot of patience on our part. You’re doing all the right things so don’t lose hope!  I’m sure better days are ahead for you.

Comment by Lanie on February 16, 2019 at 4:48pm

 I was mentioning this to a friend this evening who lost her husband almost 3 years ago the  same symptoms you are feeling... Lost and lonely you are hardly feeling sorry for yourself, you are authentically feeling what each and everyone of us are feeling. This is a tough journey.  You mentioned you can’t believe  he’s gone.  I say that out loud every single day.   I also was married to a very strong and healthy  man  for 40 yrs and in a flash one afternoon our life changed..  just want you to know by reading your post this evening makes me feel like I am not alone. When I log off I  say a prayer for each of you asking for strength for you and me. God bless you. 

Comment by Broken Diva on February 16, 2019 at 3:13pm

Omg!  When I read your post it could have been me writing it!!!!  I am exactly like you! I also was better the first couple years, now it's so different.

I, too, have trouble with anxiety and depression.  Medication helps me with my anxiety but nothing with the depression.  I also exercise and do everything they say to do to no avail!!! I wonder what's going on.  

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