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I was doing fine. I was taking charge of my own life. I was refinancing. I was doing fine until I got to the point where next to my name, in BIG letters, I read "UNMARRIED." Was it just me or did the…

I was doing fine. I was taking charge of my own life. I was refinancing. I was doing fine until I got to the point where next to my name, in BIG letters, I read "UNMARRIED." Was it just me or did they purposefully make the font 10 times bigger?! I don't think of myself as unmarried. I will always be married to Chris. Those vows might as well have said, "Into eternity," instead of "until death do us part." Now I'm sitting here, sobbing, missing him. I'm upset that I didn't get the full amount of life insurance, amd thay I still have to pay a mortgage and work. I wish he were here to sign these papers like he had been for our past 6 homes. I miss him so much. Tbis is the deepest and greatest pain I have ever endured. Most of the time, I am ok. I can find happiness, but here I am sitting in this wave of grief, embracing it, seeing what it has to teach me.
I have his pictures, our pictures, throughout the house. I have been making it, doing it all on my own. We had just moved to a new state months before he passed away. I have been living alone, and working on finding my old and new true self, which being alone forced me to do quickly. My brother recently had a crisis of not having anywhere to live, so he moved here a few days ago out of the blue. This is also forcing me to deal with family in a new way. He told me that if he were to marry a widow, he would not be ok with their previous spouse's pictures on the wall. I told him, "Well, that's probably why I would never ens up with someone like you." He also told yelled at me when he found out that I was trying to date again, "I'm not even ober Chris's death yet! How dare you date already!" I told him that I would never be over his death, but that I was trying, that I am faced with this every single day. It has made me change in what may seem like a day to you, but to me these changes have been gradual, amd are still beimg worked out. I am doing what is right for me right now." I feel like I am happy more than I am sad. I feel like I'm making yhe choice. I often ask myself, "What do YOU want to do next? Do you want that or do not want that? I know myself better than I did before, and I listen to what is that I truly want. The rest is just noise.
So many mixed emotions tonight, but I'm a widow, so I'm allowed to have all of them at the same time! :) Peace to you and yours.

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Comment by ashleynicole8378 on Tuesday

So sorry you are having a hard time with this. I still considered myself married too, but it's only been 3 months for me. I still wear my wedding ring and honestly don't know if I'll ever stop. I get comfort in looking at both my engagement and wedding ring on my finger and remembering what we had. The day that I signed my son into childcare at our church and it only listed my name as his parent not both of us was really hard, because I don't like to think of my son not having a dad. I totally feel ya on being upset about still having to work, pay mortgage etc. Dealing with something as immensely hard with this should come with a free pass on being a responsible adult for like a year at least. My brother is dealing with problems as well. He and I were really close growing up. So I feel obligated to help him, but have so much on my plate already. I actually thought about asking him to live with me since he's sleeping on my mom's couch right now, but that would put him far away from his daughter. Your brother seems pretty insensitive. 

Comment by only1sue on April 14, 2017 at 2:12pm

Yes, it is hard to reinvent yourself, no, you do not want to do it. You are early on in this journey as yet and your brother does not and will never understand what you are going through.  You, like all of us, will go through many stages of grief and somehow come out the other side different, stronger, more able to cope alone. Then you can choose whether you want a new partner or not and it is your choice. I am four and a half years out and still have some of the feeling you have but like you are tracking on that "true me" I want to be. It isn't easy but you will get there in the end.

Comment by widow85 on April 13, 2017 at 7:04am

So maybe you need to take out an ad "Wanted:  Pictureless widow to take my brother off my hands."

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