My name is Geoff. My husband Steve died 12/7/2018 after a 4 month battle with colon cancer. We were together for 16 years, married for 4. Being a gay couple has its own unique challenges, even in this day and age. Family will distance themselves and say cruel things. For the longest time, it was just Steve and I against the world. He taught me so much about life. How to believe in myself. What it truly means to be happy.
I remember the last 4 months of Steve’s life. The way his body just wasted away is something I’d like to forget. The way cancer and chemo ravaged his body is heartbreaking. How do you forget such horrors? I am comforted by the fact that he died the way he wanted to...in his sleep, next to me and our dog. I remember waking up, just in time to see Steve take his last few breaths. I feel guilty for falling asleep that night. I should have been talking to him the whole time. Was he afraid? Did he try to wake me up because he was struggling? I was so, so tired. I’m sorry Steve. I really tried my best. Please forgive me.
I’m struggling. I sleep all day. The phone calls from supporters have tapered off. Conversations about Steve are quickly changed. I guess at some point it becomes too uncomfortable for people to hear. I’m left with writing in a journal and blog posts. I told Steve to not worry about me, that I would be ok. But I’m not ok. I’m hurting and I don’t know if I could do this. It’s so much harder than I imagined. I’m hopeless, joyless and depressed.
Please hear me Steve. I need you now, more than ever. It’s your time to care for me, however that may be. I love you immensely and miss you.