This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

8 months into this shitty journey

My name is Geoff.  My husband Steve died 12/7/2018 after a 4 month battle with colon cancer. We were together for 16 years, married for 4.  Being a gay couple has its own unique challenges, even in this day and age.  Family will distance themselves and say cruel things.  For the longest time, it was just Steve and I against the world. He taught me so much about life. How to believe in myself.  What it truly means to be happy. 

I remember the last 4 months of Steve’s life.  The way his body just wasted away is something I’d like to forget.  The way cancer and chemo ravaged his body is heartbreaking. How do you forget such horrors?  I am comforted by the fact that he died the way he wanted his sleep, next to me and our dog.  I remember waking up, just in time to see Steve take his last few breaths.  I feel guilty for falling asleep that night.  I should have been talking to him the whole time.  Was he afraid?  Did he try to wake me up because he was struggling?  I was so, so tired. I’m sorry Steve. I really tried my best. Please forgive me.

I’m struggling. I sleep all day.  The phone calls from supporters have tapered off.  Conversations about Steve are quickly changed.  I guess at some point it becomes too uncomfortable for people to hear.  I’m left with writing in a journal and blog posts.  I told Steve to not worry about me, that I would be ok. But I’m not ok.  I’m hurting and I don’t know if I could do this. It’s so much harder than I imagined. I’m hopeless, joyless and depressed.

Please hear me Steve. I need you now, more than ever. It’s your time to care for me, however that may be. I love you immensely and miss you. 

Views: 220


You need to be a member of Widowed Village to add comments!

Join Widowed Village

Comment by adoption1964 (Kim) on September 12, 2019 at 5:22am

I read this stories about watching their partner waste away from cancer.  I lost my husband May 2, 2017 from Stage 4 Kidney cancer.  The official diagnosis was Dec 15, 2016.  He had a kidney removed 12/27/16 and less then 5 months later he was gone.  He was able to pass away at home that was his wish.  I was his primary care giver.  28 months later I still have the visions of him in his hospital bed in the living room.  Watching him struggle to walk to the bathroom due to lack oxygen and unable to breathe; even with oxygen.  I watched him get lost from the bathroom to living room they were not far apart.  I watched him shower for himself and within a week the hospice care giver was showering him.  I had to get him up to go to the bathroom in the living on the commode.  These are etched in my mind.  I am doing much better thanks to 2 years of therapy.  I remember the good times; however its not to say that those memories don't creep in. There is hope one day, one hour at a time.  Feel the pain and know that grief doesn't go away it changes how it feels.  Kim

Comment by Tess on August 22, 2019 at 6:08am

This brought me to tears Geoff. I'm sure Steve hears you and will send you comfort. At first you may not recognize his presence, but there are circumstances, at least for me, that I know my beloved was and is watching over me.

I wish you lots of hugs and comfort.

Comment by Kris63 on August 19, 2019 at 8:42am


    Your story, like so many, is heartbreaking. I am sorry for your loss. My niece died of colon cancer; it is a terrible disease and so hard on the person and the caregiver. The memories of the fight against cancer can be so haunting and hard. What if, did I, etc.  I think most of us have those thoughts.  My husband had been a healthy, strong guy and the pancreatic cancer wasted him. I have no magic words for you. I think your Steve would understand the exhaustion you suffered from and would just be glad you two and your fur baby were together to the end. 

    Take care. 



Comment by Leapauling on August 12, 2019 at 2:01pm

Hello  Geoff,

I'm so saddened to read a part of your story. My husband Paul was diagnosed with rectal cancer October 31, 2018. We too went through Chemo and he lived for 8 months to the day we first saw the oncologist. He passed away not how we planned on July 15, 2019 at 34. It really is difficult, all the questions we're left with, the doubts of if we did everything the right way. My husband loved me so much and like yours, he made me better, gave me the confidence, the love, just everything I I try to imagine if he was here what he would say and for me I know he would tell simply, I love you. I hope for your journey to give you some peace but I know as well as you it is difficult when something so unfair happens. Thank you for sharing your feelings, whether your intent or not. it helped me.


Comment by Dana775 on August 7, 2019 at 9:49pm


I am so sorry for your loss. I saw your post in reply to Kris63 about "One Year Meaning nothing" Posted Below:

I hate that we are on this website.  I also feel like I’m regressing. I’m not quite at the year mark yet, only 8 months into it. There are times when I think I’m progressing and then I’m brought down to my knees with grief. I don’t think this will ever stop and will only be less intense.  You said you worry about regressing. Maybe if you take a step back and see how far you’ve come in the last year you can see a different picture?  I don’t know. This is all new to me. I’m trying to figure it out too. Don’t beat yourself up about the job not working out. You tried. It didn’t work out.  We have already experienced the “worst” in the “What’s the worst that can happen?” .  I like to remind myself of this. It’s somewhat empowering. What do I have to be afraid of?  The worst has already happened.  

I am also 8 months into my loss. My Wife passed away in the middle of December from Renal Cancer. I totally feel what you're feeling and the regressing and then making progress has been my pattern too. I don't have any answers for you, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone and for someone who is only 8 months into their grief. Your post sounds like you are dealing and are already figuring some things out. I liked your take on "What's the worse that can happen, we've already experienced the worst." I will definitely use that in the future when things feel too overwhelming with my grief. Just wanted to reach out and I'll send a friend request. If you want to write, please feel free. Like I said I don't have the answers, but I do know reading posts like yours and emailing others who can understand our pain and experiences is helping me. Take Care and hoping for more good days than bad in the months ahead.


Comment by Pegasus on August 6, 2019 at 1:11pm

I am so sorry.  My heart goes out to you.  My husband of 49 years was diagnosed with colon cancer and a hole in his colon just two months before his death exactly one year ago.  I witnessed his body's deterioration and woke up in the pre-dawn hour a few minutes before he passed.  What you've experienced after your loss mirrors my own.  Writing and blogging has been therapeutic for me.  I think I'd be in a worse place now if I hadn't started writing it out.  It's my hope and prayer that it may eventually bring you some comfort and relief as well.  Bless you.  I am here if you need to talk.


Comment by Former Yooper on August 6, 2019 at 9:58am

Hi Geoff. I am so sorry for you loss.   I was in the same position about 3 years ago.   If you would like to continue to chat, I will send a personal email to you.

Comment by chef (John) on August 6, 2019 at 8:04am

You are where I was at eight months. I am sorry for your loss. I am also sorry that your support system is failing; unfortunately, this is something we all experience. I hope that the journaling is helping--even if it's a small amount. [I did reams of pages after my wife died eight years ago.]

Try not to beat yourself up too much. We all feel the "wuddas, shuddas, cuddas". You were with Steve when he died, which is more than you can appreciate at the moment. You had a rough time watching his decline, and now have to deal with grieving--which is a bear. Please keep reading and posting in the meantime.

Do what you can to be your own best friend right now...and take care.

© 2020   Created by Soaring Spirits.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service