I did not know what to title this blog.
I have noticed at almost 10 months, my heart is waking up from being encased in ice since John's loss. I don't know if it is due to the timeline, or the care of a good friend, but I feel "woken up." While it feels good sometimes to rejoin the land of the living, the flip side of this is that the almost-sharp pain of grief is back sometimes, as it was in the early days.
Yesterday, My son and I attended a youth group officer installation. My son's "big brother" (older high school kid who has taken my son under his wing) was taking the leadership of the group. We made it through the installation, but when we saw pictures of my husband in the lodge, we both lost it.
Back at home, I held my son while he bawled and called this loss a "nightmare" that he could not wake up from. He's right...all I could do was hold him while he cried, which is any parent's worst scenario...to be unable to help your child.
My son has his grief journey to make and I help him with it the best I can. The helplessness eats away at me some days. He's such a good kid-and he adored his dad. I worry about what will happen in the future-will my next, new life being back his sunny, upbeat nature? That remains to be seen.