I’m Steve, and I’ve been a long time member here, since about 18 months after my long time male life partner passed in March of 09. Ours was an amazing love story, fraught with big challenges, Mike was bi-polar, drug and alcohol abuser at times, we met and fell in love in our teens, we had zero support from our families,
so, we chose to move out on our own and create a life for ourselves. In our early twenties, we decided enough of drugs, parties, it was time for us to get ourselves together. We both worked hard, and built a nice life for ourselves, bought our first home at 26 on our own, and developed successful careers and lives together. Mike was dx w colon cancer at 48, and passed 9 days after his 50th birthday. I really couldn’t believe he had passed. The end came so fast, after such strides, near remission. I was in bed for 3 years after he passed. Many of those days I didn’t want to live, begged god to bring me home, begged Mike to pull some strings to get me where he was. But, alas, 3 years later I was still here, in bed, home dilapitated, yards overgrown, I was so lost. I didn’t know how to live without him. Didn’t want to know, quite frankly. One morning, I got mad, and decided it was time, for me to get my ass out of bed, and get a life. It was part anger at Mike, god, me, I couldn’t believe I was still here, and I was too scared to off myself, so, at least try to create a life, and see what happens. I cleaned out our home, and prepared to move in near future, thru some weird circumstances I met a new man, and to my surprise, I ended up falling in love w him. I had been so resistant to dating him, he was 27 years my junior, but he persisted and after 4-6 tries, I finally agreed to go out w him, just as friends. 8 months later I was moving in with him, very much in love. We had a bunch of fun, laughed so much, travelled, and I was very happy for a couple of years. Then things started to go down hill, we talked a lot, tried to work things out, but sadly things didn’t go the way I hoped, and I had to end our relationship in March of this year. It was so hard ending this relationship. I loved him so much, still do, but he had some problems with drugs I discovered later in our relationship, and although I tried to stay w him, get him clean and sober, sadly the drugs won. He lied once too many times, and it was over.
Second time I had to say goodbye to someone I loved so much. He still texts me notes from time to time, just to say how much he loves me, he knows it’s all his fault doesn’t blame me for ending it, he knows he messed up the greatest thing he ever knew. But, I know he is still using, because I told him if he went to treatment got clean, and got his 90 day chip, I would take him back. His notes never say he has his chip. I text him back, I love him, please get well and come back to me.
In my moving on from this love, it’s been so tough. A lot has reminded me of my process after a Mike passed. Lots and lots of tears, grief, I miss him so much. My heart cries out for him at night, I’ve had to stop myself in my jammies in the car at 2am, bound to go get him and demand he get clean, but thank god, I always catch myself, and go back to bed. I know it’s hopeless, unless he does it on his own. I’m in love with someone again who has a terminal illness, this time of drug addiction, and again, I can do nothing about it.
Im once again dreading the holidays, like I used to before I met my 2nd partner.
But on a positive note, my career is taking off, I love my job and the man I work for, I am feeling stronger and better. My 2nd partner taught me that I am capable of loving someone again, so much. I now have two wonderful men in my heart, that I love tremendously, yet can’t be with physically. I’m now at the ready, to move on again, pick up my trampled, devastated heart, and see what’s next. I’m about ready to join match.com or something and throw my hat in the ring, maybe 3rd time w be the charm? But if not, I’m also trying to be ok w just being single, ok with myself, get a dog to love, move to the beach, and have my own place to warm me and try my best to be happy with good friends and good career.
Take care all