Its been 9 months since you've been gone. The 10th is going to be a hard day for a very long time. Even with everything scheduled on the calendar, there's like a big neon size on the 10th that makes sure I see it.
9 months of wishing all of this was just some sort of horrible nightmare that I'd eventually wake up from.
I have the moments where it still doesn't feel real. Like you're going to walk through the door any minute. Then I look around at all the things that are here because you're not. The poster the kids made. Your picture hanging on the wall. The butterflies from the walk. The potted plants people just thought I had to have. I love potted plants, but seriously, do people not realize that giving potted plants at funeral is like giving a constant reminder of that day.
9 months of feeling guilty. I do know I made the right decision by letting you go. I knew it before, but definitely after the autopsy. I should have done it 2 weeks sooner, but we all had hope. We all were hopeful that this was just a set back and you were going to pull through. In my head I know it was the right decision, but in my heart I feel so guilty. I feel like I gave up on you to soon. You weren't ready to give up yet, but I did. I know its crazy to feel this way, and I would love to be able to get my heart and my brain on the same page.
When I started this process of trying to find out for sure if the recalled meds were what caused your death, I knew it would be hard. I knew I'd learn things I really didn't want to learn, but I felt, and still do, that I owed you this. Not just you but the kids and your donor. And myself. Not knowing what happened and having so many unanswered questions was a lot easier to deal with than all the questions I had after finding out about the recall.
I knew I would learn things that were going to be hard to hear, but seeing it in black and white that the entire transplant team had given you a thumbs up and all felt like you were going to make a full recovery is a slap in the face. It shows just how far you had come, even from before transplant, but especially everything you went through after. Then to have it all ripped away in a matter of minutes.
Its all so hard, but I can't stop. I need to finish what I started. I need answers. Or at least feel like I did everything in my power to get answers.
Please continue to watch over our babies. Having been in their shoes, I have an idea on how to help them. I just wish I had some sort of idea on how to help myself.