Do the change of seasons increase the restlessness? It is Spring here at last and the days are getting longer. I am starting to wake up at 6am. The trouble begins if I then get up and start on the day I run out of energy by 5pm. Then if I give into the urge to have an early dinner the night stretches ahead of me with nothing much to do. It is then I really miss the companionship Ray provided. I miss someone else being in the house, someone to talk to, to retell the days events with, someone to share the evening meal with etc.
I try to fill my life up as much as possible, to keep busy. It is only when I come into the house after dark as I did tonight that I think about being lonely, or more to the point, being alone. It is a constant theme now as the days get longer. It wasn't so bad in winter, the days were shorter, the evenings packed with books to read, handwork to do. I used to snuggle down under an old eiderdown and enjoy the peace after a day of blustery wind and rain. Now it is getting warmer I don't have the inclination to do that.
I am fine in the mornings, I wake up, get up, get dressed then have breakfast. I draw up a list of what needs doing, I might add to the shopping list or put down some reminders of who I need to contact etc. Then I can put that plan into action. So simple. I have church phone calls to make too so that occupies time some days. Whatever it takes to fill the day, I like it to be useful. It is sometimes when all that is finished I start to wonder once again what life is about at my age. I wish I was a frivolous person who could enjoy shopping all day or watching soaps or playing the machines in clubs but that kind of life as never attracted me. I want my time to be well spent.
Tomorrow I am free for most of the day so I plan to go for a walk on a local beach if it is sunny and not too windy. I hate doing that alone, it was fun when the kids were teenagers and we all went to the beach though. I like to recall those happy memories but you can't live back then. So tomorrow it is a walk on the beach, that means some time out in the fresh air, some exercise and some time out of the house, three good points. I just can't help thinking how much better it would be to have someone to share it with though.
Then maybe home and get those windows cleaned on the outside. Plenty of that kind of work to do in Spring. I should draw up a list and cross it off as I do it, maybe then I would feel some sense of achievement. Because that is something else I feel, as if nothing I do is of any importance. Maybe I should look around for another kind of volunteering position that has a measured success. Phoning or calling to see people as an act of pastoral care really doesn't have any measurable impact. I wonder if I am looking for some kind of validation?
Today was a busy day, a round of farewells for the minister and his family as they are leaving our church soon to go south to Adelaide where they will be closer to parents, grandparents and old friends. We had a farewell lunch today after the late morning service. They have been a lovely family to have in the parish and I will miss then. That is another transition for me, they go, we have a locum for a while and then hopefully will find a new minister. It is another change in my life, another destabilizing factor.
I wish, I wish, I wish... You all know what I wish. I wish I could go back to where Ray and I were here together and our kids close by. It is never going to be like that again. I just have to accept that and get used to the changes that are heading my way.