A conversation with myself

Me: So how are you doing?

Myself: I am doing okay.

Me: Not very convincing.

Myself: Why not? What do you mean.

Me: You always say your okay. Everybody you tell that to can sense your not okay. I think your kidding yourself.

Myself: Why is it that everything I say over the past year or so is analyzed? Why can't you and everyone else just accept that if I say I am okay that means I am okay. Nothing more, nothing less.

Me: Okay, okay. Touchy aren't you?

Myself: Of course I am. I know the last year has been difficult but I really feel like I am now coming out of the fog. I have dealt with enough bullshit and now that I am ready to enter the next phase of my life i don't need you and everyone else to question me.

Me: Fair enough. So now that your coming out of the fog what are your plans?

Myself: Hell if I know. If I have learned anything it is that I don't know what is coming next. I thought I had it all worked out. I had the right woman, the kids, the house, the career, everything to grow old and have a great life but that got blown to hell.

Me: So your okay?

Myself: Certainly. I have accepted that the dream is gone.

Me: You really think the dream is gone?

Myself: Well not really, it is in need of alterations. I guess that is what life is.

Me: You think so?

Myself: Of course. Life is about the adjustments that arise because of the changing situations of life. If your handed lemons, make lemonade, don't bitch about it, 1.1 billion Chinese don't give a damn about my issues.

Me: So what alterations are needed?

Myself: Trying to figure that out bud. I know I still have 5 great kids, they drive me crazy and are a challenge but I can handle it. 

Me: Your able to handle being both mom and dad?

Myself: Of course, what am I suppose to do? It is like with the cancer stuff, I have two choices, stand and fight or flee and will not run no matter how hard it is.

Me: So your okay even if it is difficult? This is what you choose to do?

Myself: Exactly!!!!

Me: So what else do you have figured out?

Myself: Well my job is still rewarding and I have a great group of friends that has become even stronger over the course of cancer, death and grief.

Me: So where do you see yourself going?

Myself: Not sure yet but I am willing to see where it will be and how I will get there. Life so far has been a ride, good and bad so I figure the rest will be interesting. I know I need to see the kid thing through. They are Torrey's legacy and I must protect that. Besides she will kick my ass if I screw them up.

Me: We can't have that.

Myself: Hell no!! You know there is only one person I fear in life or death and that is Torrey.

Me: Your peaching to the choir there buddy. So what else?

Myself: I am not sure. Like I said I enjoy teaching so that is covered and my friends are great but I still feel like something is missing.

Me: Like what?

Myself: Well I am interested in finding love again and I feel like I need to help others with their journey through their grief.

Me: What the hell are you talking about?

Myself: First off, I believe it is possible to love more than one person in a lifetime, just don't do it at the same time. LOL. I truly believe that if I am lucky enough to meet another woman and fall in love with her it doesn't mean I don't love Torrey any more, it means my heart has now doubled and I have room in there for both Torrey and the new lady in my life.

Me: That is an interesting thought.

Myself: I know. It is the curse of being a deep thinker. LOL.

Me: So any hot prospects?

Myself: Not yet. I am just starting to explore. I am willing to take it slow. It is a complicated process and I don't want to screw it up.

Me: You think Torrey would be okay with it?

Myself: You know her as well as I do. Of course she would. She brought it up before she died and she told me to find another woman to love. She said I deserved it. I just figured it was all of the pain meds. but I know she meant it. I would have wanted that for her if the roles were reversed.

Me: Well good luck finding another woman. What are you looking for?

Myself: In a woman?

Me: NO, in a dog. Yes in a woman dummy.

Myself: I don't know. A woman with a good heart, willing to deal with my crap and she must accept the kids of course. A great butt and boobs would be nice too. :-))

Me: So what is this about helping others.

Myself: Well people kept telling me that god has a plan with Torrey getting sick and dying. I was pissed at god and everything before but as I have been thinking this through I think they must be right. Maybe she got sick so I can be a good listener and a good helper. Someone who can help people sort through their grief, especially men. There is so little for men as in the way of help and resources. You know we are suppose to just suck it, deal with it and move on. Well that shit doesn't work. We need to talk also. So many men end up drinking away their feelings and I hope I can help somehow. Maybe that is the grand design to this ugliness I have been through.

Me: So that is why your talking to yourself?

Myself: Exactly skippy!!!!!! Maybe I can help others so that I can truly be okay.