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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Barb died in September 2015.  But I didn't just lose my wife.  When she lost her life, I lost my own life too.  

Over-dramatic?  Not so much.

She WAS my life.  And not only her, but her family and friends.  Her conversations.  Her thoughts.  

Hey, now I really believe it where the Bible says "The Two Shall Be As One".  

I can't go to any of our former friends or her family and just call and talk or visit.  They have all moved on.  They were really close to Barb.  My job kept me busier than I wished it did, and I gradually lost close contact with her family and friends.  Then as Barb and I became more distant from each other, it seemed they drifted even farther away (or should I say... I drifted farther from them - I guess we all drifted away from each other)..  

I was too busy to make my own friends, and all I had was her and her friends or family.  

And then I didn't have her.  Or her/our friends.  Or her family.

So truly, when I lost her, I lost all.   Except the PAIN - which is the one thing that I have left.

Like the Simon and Garfunkel song 'Hazy Shade of Winter':

Time, time, time See what's become of me
While I looked around  for my possibilities
I was so hard to please
But look around  Leaves are brown
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter
Hear the Salvation Army band
Down by the riverside's
Bound to be a better ride
Than what you've got planned
Carry your cup in your hand
And look around you
Leaves are brown, now
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter

HANG ON TO YOUR HOPES MY FRIEND.

THAT'S AN EASY THING TO SAY,

BUT IF YOUR HOPES SHOULD PASS AWAY

SIMPLY PRETEND... THAT YOU CAN BUILD THEM AGAIN!

Look around
The grass is high
The fields are ripe
It's the springtime of my life
Seasons change with the scenery
Weaving time in a tapestry
Won't you stop and remember me
At any convenient time?

Funny how my memory skips
Looking over manuscripts
Of unpublished rhyme
Drinking my vodka and lime
I look around  Leaves are brown
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter
Look around  Leaves are brown
There's a patch of snow on the ground
Look around  Leaves are brown
There's a patch of snow on the ground

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Comment by SweetMelissa on February 10, 2016 at 12:30pm

I also posted this in Davidb's blog "Is this real?" ...

The first year is about survival ...

Expressing pain, disconnection, sorrow, loss of ones beloved ...

This song may help put your loss into the words we struggle to find during fresh raw grief ...

"BELOVED WIFE" by Natalie Merchant ...

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uLDPkLu_CUw

You were the love 
for certain of my life 
you were simply my beloved wife 
I don't know for certain 
how I'll live my life 
now alone without my beloved wife 
my beloved wife

I can't believe 
I've lost the very best of me

You were the love 
for certain of my life 
you were simply my beloved wife 
I don't know for certain 
how I'll live my life 
now alone without my beloved wife 
my beloved wife

I can't believe 
I've lost the very best of me

You were the love 
for certain of my life 
for fifty years simply me beloved wife 
with another love I'll never lie again 
it's you I can't deny 
it's you I can't defy 
a depth so deep into my grief 
without my beloved soul 
I renounce my life 
as my right 
now alone without my beloved wife 
my beloved wife 
my beloved wife

My love is gone she suffered long 
in hours of pain

My love is gone 
now my suffering begins

My love is gone 
would it be wrong if I should 
surrender all the joy in my life 
go with her tonight?

My love is gone she suffered long 
in hours of pain

My love is gone 
would it be wrong if I should 
just turn my face away from the light 
go with her tonight?

Comment by KayeL on February 9, 2016 at 9:34pm
I am losing hope to be happy again. My husband was my all. We have been so in love since the day he gave me that sweet kiss on my cheeks. Now that he is gone, my world has turned upside and down. I never needed to worry about life but now I do. Having being a homemaker for a few years, I don't even know if I could take the stress working full time anymore. Not to mention I have a 2yo I need to raise all by myself! Will I be able to feel happiness again? I honestly can't see that possibility at the moment. My love is now gone resting with God... I am left behind with everything that I will need to deal with by myself. Thanks for your encouragement, though.
Comment by Jere-Nine on February 9, 2016 at 4:40pm

KayeL, I don't know if you can read this, but if you do, I hope you will take heart.  I totally understand and agree with your feelings, feeling beaten, discouraged, even feeling like a loser. That is how I feel, after losing Barb.  So, what can I possibly say to encourage you to take heart?  I once read the following, and it really hit me in the right spot: "Just when it thought it's world was over, the caterpillar became a butterfly".  I understand how bleak the world looks and feels when the one we love so much is taken from us.  And it feels like there can't possibly be anything worth living for after that.  I get it. But... please just hang in there.  Wait... in ways that we can't imagine in our current discomfort, we may yet become a beautiful, graceful "butterfly"!  :)  

Comment by KayeL on February 9, 2016 at 4:07pm

That's like me!

I could totally relate to you. I miss my husband. He was simply my all. We met when I was 21, and he was 25. He always had been my mentor, my spiritual supporter, my mediator, my listener, my friend and everything. The day he died, he took away my all. He left me heartbroken, and also left me a 2yo. Our son needs him! My hubby was such a wise person. Oh my goodness, thinking about him alone I almost could die with a broken heart right away. Only God has been cruel, He does not allow in His time. I live my day without any soul. How long will I need to live like this? I am not even strong enough to be a role model for our son. I feel beaten, I feel discouraged... I am such a loser.

Comment by Cindy on February 7, 2016 at 4:22pm

My heart goes out to you.  I can relate to everything you said.  I cannot listen to the music we enjoyed which includes Simon and Garfunkel but maybe I can bring myself to listen to that song.  More tears perhaps but he is worth every one.

Cindy

Comment by Jere-Nine on February 7, 2016 at 10:37am

Thank you for your kind thoughts Sad One.

Comment by Sad One on February 7, 2016 at 10:33am

Am so sorry for your loss. Grieving the loss of a spouse is not supposed to be easy. And sadly, the pain is testament to the love you shared. It's like the yin and yang. It is hardest at the beginning, just to note. Not that it gets easier but bearable. Give it time and take care of yourself.

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