A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Dear (not understanding) Friend
I was trying to be understanding when you called me shortly after my husband died to lament your worries over your sick (elderly) mom and how with her being in the hospital you were so worried you were going to lose her. All the while you were talking, tears pouring down my face, I was silently screaming over and over 'my husband just suddenly died....in a far away place...very young" but all you heard was your own voice telling me you were feeling better now with your mom home with you. I tried to be understanding when you then didn't call me for so long...figured you were busy..maybe didn't know what to say. But your response to my email to you was "I still answer my phone". Thankfully, we finally were able to catch up on the phone. When I said that I didn't really call people, found it a bit difficult, still to reach out... you said "well, now is the time that you need yours friends." I agreed but said that a lot of my friends called me to check up on me, ask me out for coffee or dinner, came for a visit. To which you said, "well, I am busy with my mom and all and I don't want to say you should be better but are you seeing a therapist? It has been a number of months now and shouldn't you ...well, I don't want to say 'be over it' but shouldn't you be feeling better?"
I somehow found my way to end this conversation without being too rude. My voice tones changed but I didn't have the nerve, I guess, to say anything. But, oh God, I wish I could have gone through the phone line and stood in front of you, shaking with anger, and ask you what timeline I should be following?? And how the hell would you know when is a good time to 'be over it'? And tell you that I will never be 'over it' and how glad I am for you that hopefully you will never have to experience this gut wrenching pain. How after nine months, I still find myself sobbing on the kitchen floor sometimes. How I miss my husband every single minute of the day; how I can feel him in our house, hear his laughter sometimes, smell his cologne, and how I want him back so badly.
Of course, you didn't hear any of this. I just don't have whatever I wish I had to say these words to you. So instead, I'm ending this friendship. I have great friends who do call, who never suggest I see a therapist (I am), and who don't have a timeline for me to 'get over' anything! They are the true ones. The ones I always count on and have been there even when I didn't think I needed someone. The same ones who drop everything and come running because they know I'm having a bad day.
So thanks for the fun we did have. Good luck on your life's journey.