A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
A Letter to my friend
Dear (not understanding) Friend
I was trying to be understanding when you called me shortly after my husband died to lament your worries over your sick (elderly) mom and how with her being in the hospital you were so worried you were going to lose her. All the while you were talking, tears pouring down my face, I was silently screaming over and over 'my husband just suddenly died....in a far away place...very young" but all you heard was your own voice telling me you were feeling better now with your mom home with you. I tried to be understanding when you then didn't call me for so long...figured you were busy..maybe didn't know what to say. But your response to my email to you was "I still answer my phone". Thankfully, we finally were able to catch up on the phone. When I said that I didn't really call people, found it a bit difficult, still to reach out... you said "well, now is the time that you need yours friends." I agreed but said that a lot of my friends called me to check up on me, ask me out for coffee or dinner, came for a visit. To which you said, "well, I am busy with my mom and all and I don't want to say you should be better but are you seeing a therapist? It has been a number of months now and shouldn't you ...well, I don't want to say 'be over it' but shouldn't you be feeling better?"
I somehow found my way to end this conversation without being too rude. My voice tones changed but I didn't have the nerve, I guess, to say anything. But, oh God, I wish I could have gone through the phone line and stood in front of you, shaking with anger, and ask you what timeline I should be following?? And how the hell would you know when is a good time to 'be over it'? And tell you that I will never be 'over it' and how glad I am for you that hopefully you will never have to experience this gut wrenching pain. How after nine months, I still find myself sobbing on the kitchen floor sometimes. How I miss my husband every single minute of the day; how I can feel him in our house, hear his laughter sometimes, smell his cologne, and how I want him back so badly.
Of course, you didn't hear any of this. I just don't have whatever I wish I had to say these words to you. So instead, I'm ending this friendship. I have great friends who do call, who never suggest I see a therapist (I am), and who don't have a timeline for me to 'get over' anything! They are the true ones. The ones I always count on and have been there even when I didn't think I needed someone. The same ones who drop everything and come running because they know I'm having a bad day.
So thanks for the fun we did have. Good luck on your life's journey.
Me....
Views: 110
Comment
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Comment by chez2all on August 21, 2012 at 7:53am -
It's sad to think many of us will experience this on our journey but when you think about it, we have all left behind friends we have outgrown at some point...good for you having the strength of write
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Comment by kimmi on August 20, 2012 at 9:11am -
thank you all for your wonderful, supportive, heart-warming and affirming comments. I know you guys get it. I also relayed this story to my daughters and a few of those true friends I spoke about. While they haven't experienced this loss, they completely agreed that it was time to let this friendship go. Thank you all for holding my hand, propping me up, and letting me know I'm as ok as I need to be right now. You are all so wonderful!!! {{{{hugs}}}}
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Comment by MsKris12 on August 20, 2012 at 9:11am -
Oh, Kimmi,I so needed to read this today! Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry for yet another loss in your life.
I just "lost" my bf of 30 plus years because she didn't get it. Hadn't heard from her in 8 months, despite MY attempts to reach out and include her in the changes occuring in MY life. She felt I was too wrapped up in my new WIDOW friends and that is all I talked about, on and on she went about how much I have changed. Again, despite my attemts to reach out to her and not make everything about me and my loss. She couldn't get past how the loss of my husband had made me see life differently. I realized life was too short to waste and wanted only postive things to come out of this horrible "EVENT' that changed our lives forever. WhenI first joined this club, I would read about how widow/ers would lose friends during the grieving process and I'm ashamed to say, I was shocked and often wondered how good a friend these disappearing people were in the first place and I thanked God and knew, without a doubt I would not join the ranks of those whose friend dynamics changed as I had carefully surrounded myself with caring, loving friends. Reminds me of this:
People come into your life for a REASON, a SEASON or a LIFE TIME.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, It is usually to meet a need.
You have expressed.
They have come to assist you though a difficulty,
To provide you with guidance and support,
To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend and they are....
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then ,
without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to and end.
Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes the act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realized is that our need has been met,
our desire fullfilled,
Their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move onSo here I am moving forward without my childhood best friend and I'm ok.
Love and blessings
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Comment by kimkirt (KK) on August 20, 2012 at 9:02am -
One of my friends is newly widowed and I went and sat with her a while last night, I said to her "You will find out who your friends are. People who you thought would be there for you won't be, and some others may surprise you. Let go of the negative ones, surround yourself with the ones who care." Kimmi, I'm glad you let go of a negative one. No matter how painful it was to let go, that friendship has run its course. You are a strong person to end it without anger, but just silently and realizing it is what is best for YOU. HUGS!!
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Comment by Dianne in Nevada on August 20, 2012 at 8:16am -
There isn't a thing we can say to those who "don't get it" to help them understand the hurt they bring us. Wish there was. So many lost friendships ... but perhaps if we look closely at what these 'friendships' were before our loss we'll see that we were always the ones doing the heavy lifting, always the ones that had to give to those who only know how to take. I'm sorry that this friend hurt you, Kimmi, but pleased to hear that you have many who stand by your side. Embrace those friendships.
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Comment by Joyce on August 19, 2012 at 9:08pm -
Oh Kimmi, I love your letter. There are a lot of us here who could send the same one. Hugs!
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Comment by mem5711 (Denise) on August 19, 2012 at 8:30pm -
I love your letter.....I, too, would end the friendship. She seems to self involved to see the pain you're going through. True friends are there .... no matter what or for however long we need them.....they'll be by our side. (((Hugs)))
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Comment by honeys(puddin) on August 19, 2012 at 6:38pm
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This ordeal has definitely changed my view on who are friends and who were friends. I am trying to not be angry at the difference between the two. It is what it is. Be thankful for the friends who are there for you now. I know you are. Our realities suck;/
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Comment by janet on August 19, 2012 at 5:12pm -
Kimmi, very similar to one I wrote to a supposedly good "Friend". Her response to my e-mail was "Thank You" and nothing more. No phone calls no nothing from her. I totally agree with you last two statement.
Hugs.
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