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A month till Ray's birthday, a month ten days till the 2nd anniversary of his death.

I am finding as the days start to draw out that I am spending a bit more time on my house and yard.  Spiders webs were the first thing to be tackled, dark webs against buttercup yellow paint are pretty obvious. I am also trying to do more inside the house, keep it tidier and soon I will be back to tidying out drawers etc.  Someone in one of their blogs called it "thinning out" and I much prefer that expression to decluttering as I am not sure it was clutter so much as things I had held onto for too long.

Usually at this time of the year I send update letters, just giving friends and relatives an overview of what has been happening in the year, I don't think I will do it this year as really there is not a lot to say.  I will ring them before Christmas instead and for those I can't contact I will slip a note into their Christmas card.  It seems funny talking of Christmas so early but here we have special Christmas in July parties to take advantage of the cold weather to have a hot lunch, dinner or supper and pretend it is a Christmas meal, probably seems silly to folk in the northern hemisphere.

I am planning on finally changing some of the curtains.  It is nice to do this as part of a spring clean.  Not that our Spring is that long, often it seems like winter ends, there are a few weeks of getting warmer and summer is here.  Not that I am complaining but for those who like fresh green leaves on trees, spring flowers in the garden and some cool days before the heat it is nice when it happens that way.

I had a week of visiting church older folk last week, taking up the slack in my new job of Mutual Care in the church.  It is difficult to do too many visits in a day, I find them very tiring and seem to repeat the same conversation in different forms with all the people I visit so four in a day is plenty. The older folk do seem to enjoy a visit though and I know why some of our ministers are rollypolly as I was offered tea and cake everywhere I went.  I did answer: "Maybe next time".

I am going to have to find a place that has different herbs as the last couple of lots I got from my local nursery have not survived the winter, it has been colder than we've had for a few years so maybe that is why.  And it is fairly dry too, rain falling as drizzle doesn't soak in. It is so nice to have some herbs to cut fresh so I am hopeful of finding a nursery with some that I can replace the old stock with.

Am I doing stuff just to keep busy?  Yes I am. If I don't keep busy I can too quickly find my self moping again. It is so easy to think that "other people" should contact me, make sure I am okay.  Instead I should think that of course I am okay, just over a month out from the 2nd anniversary date, and of course most people do think I am over it now.  One lady said at church last week: "it is so good to see you over it now.  You were laughing so I could tell you were happy." of course it is not like that is it?  I can still be laughing and someone will say something that reminds me of Ray and I have to make a quick dash to somewhere quiet to wipe my eyes.

I am back to thinking about those last months of Ray's life again. I have seen some of his carers in the shopping centre, a couple of people have asked me how long it has been now, those kind of reminders.  I even got a couple of reminder letters addressed to him this week.  I  guess there are still people who need to be notified he does not need a subscription to the Diabetes Today magazine and won't ever need a bowel test kit again.  Not to worry I am up to sending polite notes to strangers now.  I have no tears left for that.

The family are quiet, no news is good news I hope.  Not many phone calls, my closest girlfriend is dealing with the fact that her eldest son has been told by his doctor that chemo is no longer effective at keeping his cancer at bay and her brother has just been told the same with a different kind of cancer.  Wherever you look there is always someone worse off than yourself.

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Comment by Blue Snow on August 9, 2014 at 3:32pm

Just touching bases to let you know I understand.........

Comment by judy on August 8, 2014 at 8:23am

Thinking of you Sue and so understand what you are dealing with and going through.  I will be getting new curtains for my new bedroom - not because I don't like them or need a change - because there isn't any.  But my change is moving out of my place that we shared together - and moving in a brand new place which is beautiful - sad that he doesn't get to share it - since that was our dream together.  But trying to Move Forward and create a beautiful haven for me.  Next month it will be 3 years since Justin is gone and reliving those last months is really difficult. Labor Day weekend was when we renewed our Wedding Vows in the hospital while he was in ICU and in a coma.  Yes, he was in a coma and asked the Priest if we could do that - and he agreed.  Funny story about this is we renewed our wedding vows with the Preist's assistance and realized I didn't tape it.  Have a small recorder that I kept with me.  So I go - Father can we do it again. We did.  Justin came out of the coma 48 hours later.  I know he heard me......  Thinking of you Sue as you celebrate his Birthday and relive those last days.  I know he is with you.  Love does not die - it lives on forever.

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