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A Pedestal Tumbles
I have come to realize in this grief journey, that we all have our skeletons in our closets. I have also come to find out that these skeletons may, for some, come bursting out because of the tragedies we have suffered. The great losses we have experienced. Almost like someone left the door open so anything and everything inside us can wander out at will. At least that seems to be what’s happening inside of me. When the door cracked open and these skeletons first started appearing I was mortified. I thought I had quite nicely tied them all up in a box with a neat little bow and stuffed them way down, never to surface again. I figured I had dealt with things in my own way quite efficiently, thank you very much. Closed. Locked. Throw away the key. Nope.
Throughout my grief journey thus far, I have become a bubbling volcano. I don’t think I’m ever going to fully explode to the likes of Mt. Saint Helens. Rather, I think I’m just going to remain active for a little while, spewing out this hot molten stuff that no one wants to touch. Heck, I never wanted to touch it so why would anyone else? Except here’s the thing, spewed out molten lava eventually cools, whereas if it is kept inside it will continue to boil, heat and fester. Well, at least that’s my thought process.
So I find myself spewing and dealing with it. At first, after my husband died, I quickly did everything I could to make sure he was safe in death, just as I did when he was alive. I didn’t much tell anyone we had fought the day before, or that our marriage wasn’t all flowers and romance. I stupidly thought that no one would actually believe I loved him with all my heart even though at times, we struggled. It’s hard to explain to someone who has not dealt with the disease of addiction how you can truly truly love that person, but hate his or her disease. You are judged for loving the addict, there are whispers, gossip, disdain. You grow a thick skin and you learn to shove everything down and don’t tell anyone. You deal with it at home, but in the public eye you are that normal married couple. Even in death you are judged. Told addiction isn’t a disease, told that they did it to themselves, and worse. It is an erroneous belief to say the addict does not suffer. I lived with someone who suffered for 16 years. I loved someone who suffered for 16 years. My heart broke and was broken. But I loved him, because that’s what I do, I latch on and love. Sometimes I would look in his eyes and see pure, raw emotional pain. Sometimes my own eyes mirrored that pain dealing with the ramifications of living with him. I realize I do have to deal with what that addict did to me. Those residual effects. In order to heal and grow I need to face those times when life wasn’t coming up roses. I need to admit that my prince charming was never going to rescue me and even harder, I need to admit that I could never rescue him.
It has been softly suggested that in order to come out the other side of this sadness and resentment of those times in my life, that I have to deal with them, come to terms with them, admit that they happened, admit they were wrong and yes, forgive. Then, I hope, the love and beautiful memories will surface once more. No, I will not put him back up on a pedestal, I will see him for the troubled, beautiful soul he was. The man, however hard at times that it was, I loved with all my heart and now the man, however hard at times it is, I will grieve with all my heart. Then I will lock up that corner of my heart again knowing that I have done the best I can in order to move forward with life. To live again, to love again, to trust again.
~KK
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Comment
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Comment by Krista Westervelt (whoknows) on August 18, 2012 at 10:04am -
We have a private group on here for those who have lost loved ones to Substance Use and/or those whose loved ones struggled w/ Substance Use before their death, whether it contributed to the death, or not. I'd like to invite anyone who could use camaraderie from those who have been through the same circumstances to join. If anyone would like more info, please feel free to message me.
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Comment by Marsha on August 18, 2012 at 9:51am -
Kim, To live with an addict is not easy and to love them at times even harder. I was the bubbling volcano and spewed what needed to be spewed. So angry the addiction won and I believe finally led to his passing. Doing the hard work and dealing with the anger leads to the happier times and memories. Yes we love them with all our heart and grieve them with all our heart. Sending hugs your way as we walk this journey.
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Comment by chez2all on August 15, 2012 at 8:19am -
KK...so many hugs for you...thank you for sharing some of your very personal pain and insight with us. You have hit the nail on the head with separating the man from the addiction...so many are unable to do it and others outside the relationship judge us harshly because of it.
For me I am finding the processes involved in learning to deal with the addiction, the man and the aftermath while painful, have been very healing. I am finding a level where I can grieve for the man I loved, something I had found very difficult over the past few weeks. I found that trying to ignore the difficult memories kept me stuck in my journey...something I was able to recognize quickly thankfully. Taking the bull by the horns seemed to be the only way for me to confront my grief and deal with it effectively...
My wish is that we all are able to live, love and trust again...Chez
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Comment by hendrixx2 on August 15, 2012 at 2:24am -
hi KK,
The heartfelt thoughts on an honest assessment of your married life come through loud and clear, this is a powerful declaration of the results of that review, coming through in a most sincere manner. Having been involved in a marriage in which addiction held center stage for some time, I can totally relate to what you have written; even tho it was I who nursed the addiction.
Your expression allows me insights into what DJ must have felt at various times, and echoes some things she actually did talk to me about. The sentiments you described, I have heard with my own ears, especially about being judged, and the dual roles which are required far above what is done in a more normal relationship; those of you who remain with us often carry a hidden burden, known only to yourselves and just maybe your partner. Please know you have offered me another reminder of how special my life with DJ was, and how much personal sacrifice is made on our behalf by those of you who remain with us and carry us when we refuse to do so ourselves. Thank you.
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Comment by Joyce on August 14, 2012 at 11:35pm -
Kim, when you write it is so real. I really think you are dealing with it. A lot of people can relate to what you write, one way or another. I think everyone puts their spouses on a pedestal after they die. No matter what the circumstances, there are no perfect marriages, no bed of roses, if anyone says that they're lying to themselves. Hugs!
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Comment by janet on August 14, 2012 at 9:32pm -
Very well said Kim. I do get what you are saying. Yes we do have to deal with it and hopefully in time will find the peace we seek.
(((((((((HUGS))))))))
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Comment by Krista Westervelt (whoknows) on August 14, 2012 at 8:32pm
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<3
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Comment by bj628(Bonnie) on August 14, 2012 at 6:23pm -
((((((((((((((((Kim))))))))))))) thank you for sharing. I am glad you are working through these emotions.
We Love deeply, and I don't think every marriage is all roses...
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Comment by celestia (Suzanne) on August 14, 2012 at 5:52pm -
From experience I can share that the locks never go back on, and this is a good thing. You come to live more authentically and more openly about yourself, your marriage and your life in general as you resolve the conflicts.
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Comment by bad ass widow on August 14, 2012 at 5:52pm -
Kim, Living, loving, and losing a person with addiction is so jumbled up. Its an added pain to our grief. Yes, we protected our loves when they were alive and we want to protect them in their death. It is what we do. We create a wall around us so that we do not have to deal with people who never understood how we could love a person with an addiction. What they dont understand is that we loved the person, but not the addiction. Addiction is an illness that affects everyone who loves that person. But it is not an accepted illness. Kim, you have come so far in your journey. I have seen the changes from a person who was so angry to a person who is learning how to reconcile her life both good and bad. You are a true Bad Ass.
(((hugs)))
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