I passed the 1 year mark 9 days ago. My family needed me to be strong so I didn't allow myself to grieve. Things were going pretty well until this past spring, when I unexpectedly slid into depression and crying jags. Almost four months passed and just as I started thinking I was getting back on track, I did an odd thing. I'm not a drinker but 3 weeks ago I bought 3 bottles of bourbon. After some experimentation I decided mixed drinks were my preferred way of drinking it. I barely put in enough to taste it at first in a very small glass and over the next few days I gradually increased the amount and the size of the glass. Two days before the anniversary of Bob's passing, I made a drink that was well over 1/3 liquor. Took me almost a week for my brain and body not to feel the buzz anymore.
I didn't realize the connection between the 1 year mark and my sudden urge to try drinking until my daughter pointed out how close "the day" was and how depressed and isolated I've been in the weeks just prior to my buying the bourbon. She was understandably and rightfully concerned, not just for the amount and frequency of my drinking, but about my reason for it as well. I immediately put the liquor away and analyzed my motives. Didn't take me long to realize I'd been drinking for the effect and not the taste. I'll go back to it some time soon but my next drink will be for pleasure and contain a lot less alcohol.
I am thankful to my daughter for setting me straight and to this support group for allowing me to express myself through writing these posts and not being judgmental.