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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

English is not my first language. Sorry for the mistakes.

Today´s been 32 days since I´ve lost my sunflower. We still don´t know what was the cause of death since I´m dealing with a lot of red tape due to the fact he was not from here and came to this land only to marry me. I still remind the day I first saw him going out of the boarding gate, looking for me, full of hopes and dreams. I had never been happier in my life. Suddenly I had found the ONE I had been looking for...for my whole life. He let me know also He had never been in love before he met me.

It took me 33 years to find him, it took him 49 years to find me. Feeling totally numb and lost, missing his hugs and his voice, his friendly hug and smile, the shade of blue of his eyes that were always there and always knew what I meant without having to say a word. The golden hair and the big hands always holding mine, giving me the comfort that I was loved and I deserved to be loved, just the way I am. Now the phone is so quiet, there are no calls or messages, there are no feet touching at night there is nobody to dry and wipe my tears cause he is the reason of them.

We come into the point we doubt our faith, we doubt the world and we think the world is a dangerous and dark place. We ask ourselves if God exists, if he does, why did this happen, why with us, why now. We see ourselves having physical pain due to the grief that nobody understands, we try to explain the family the it doesn´t get softer, but it gets bitter, cause there is a part of the body and soul missing. We have to fake at work we´re ok, even being distracted and dying inside. I just had one week off. Sunflowers were considered our flowers. It´s the nickname I gave him. Yesterday, I won one from somebody who didnt know about it. the person could have given me any other flower, but No. It is an amazing sunflower, just the day after I begged him for a sign. Making a life worth living for signs is all that is left.In which garden are you at now, Dave?

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Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on September 5, 2018 at 8:45am

Analytical psychologist Carl Jung coined the term "synchronicity" to express the concept of "meaningful coincidences" with acasual connection of two or more psychic and physical phenomena ...
They can happen throughout life, however, awareness is not always present till something w/profound meaning simultaneously catches one's attention. They have been to referred to as one's subconscious, a wink from the universe as well as a connection to God or higher power ...

At 11 years out, I am no longer grieving, however, I receive signs everyday ...
Interpret signs as you see fitting, more importantly, to enjoy the connection ...

Comment by on September 4, 2018 at 10:30am

((Tess)), thank you for the reply...Sometimes I wonder if it´s something from my mind, if i´m creating it or if it´s a real sign. I just don´t know what to think. It´s being just 35 days. How long has it been for you?? my sincerely hugs.

((Diva70)) the feelings are so real that I feel i´m being burned alive. I live for the day I´ll be able to see his face again and have his hug. The time that heals is also the time that goes so slowly...

((Lifeunknown17))The best friend I´ve made here. Thank you. If I don´t live in the hope of having the signs, I go away too. Not that I dont want too. Maybe I have no courage yet. Maybe our loved ones are together somewhere, looking for us, and deciding what to do to help us and maybe seeing us "happy again".

Comment by Lifeunknown17 on September 4, 2018 at 6:02am

Very true Bruna. Sorry to hear your still having to deal with all the red tape / politics trying to get cause of death.  has to be awfully painful.  I for sure like the "sign". yep, we all ask for it, something........anything.  I too have asked, numerous times. I'm still waiting, far as i can tell.  I heard from someone, we all get one visit, or sign if you will. Maybe some people get more than one. unknown.  I just know, for me, I'm hanging on to that thought, and hoping it's true. Looking and waiting every day, to maybe get to say HI, one more time. 

Comment by DIVA70 on September 3, 2018 at 10:20pm

First let me extend my sincere condolences on your loss. Please know that the questions you have now and the feelings you have are real. I understand as do others on this site. Here is a place where there is no judgement or condescension. Your wounds are fresh and only time will heal them. Some days I can barely breathe the grief is so overwhelming but I take solace in knowing that I loved and was loved. Hopefully you too can one day find some comfort in that knowledge of your loved one. 

Comment by Tess on September 3, 2018 at 5:37pm

Bruna, I am so very sorry for the loss of your Dave. Those signs, such as the sunflower, I am convinced are sent by our loved ones. I have the same experiences and am sure it is my husband sending comfort to me.

It doesn't sound like you had nearly enough time with the love of your life. I am so sorry for that.

Please know that this grief, though so very raw right now, will change as time goes on.


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