I am sad tonight. I am home alone. On the one hand it is a treat. I don't have to cook dinner. I don't have to deal with the girls and their bickering. I was supposed to go to a Young Widow/ers support group and I bent myself inside out and backwards to make plans for today. I am trying to finish my work project and the babysitter cancelled, and the girls both start basketball practice tonight in different locations at the same time. Of course the widow/ers group had to also be on Wednesdays at the same time as the practices. So I sucked it up and asked loads of people for help and made the arrangements and guess what? The meeting is cancelled.
I was looking forward to going to the meeting but in the end I am not disappointed. It is a far drive and I am fine with staying home. I should probably do more work but instead I am writing and then I am going to sit on the couch and read a book (!) until the girls get dropped off. My friend who was going to be here when the girls got home and put them to bed for me offered to come over but I am not fit for company.
I am so heavily sad. Tomorrow I am meeting a child psychologist because La Prima (first daughter-that was the code name Ron and I used for her until she wised up and realized we were talking about her) is having a rough time. She (9 yrs old) is angry and the anger manifests in long periods of agitation and fury directed mostly at her sister and also at me. I have been angry and frustrated because of her rotten and difficult behavior. I couldn't see past myself and my own lack of thick skin. I was looking at the doctor's impressive website and her list of publications about children and grieving and my anger turned into sadness. My baby lost her father and she is in pain. It was bad already that I needed to join a support group (WTF? I never thought I would) but now it is worse. My child hurts and I don't know how to help her.
I used to think about the charmed life that my children led. Two parents with a good marriage with complementary strengths, a comfortable life style, lots of relatives that love them, and pretty much any and all of their needs met with not much effort. I wondered about the life bumps that would shape them. News flash: first significant life issue identified. They still have me, they have their relatives and yes, that counts but that is the total of what exists for them now. I have high hopes that this doctor can help her, help us. I hope I am not expecting too much. I am not afraid to seek out professional help, I don't feel shame or embarrassment. I am glad to have resources available to me. What I feel is anger transformed to deep sadness that she/they/we need help because we don't have Ron. The sadness is coupled with fear because I don't know what kind of life I will be able to give them alone. 7 months later I still think: where is my husband/where is their father!!!??!!