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I am sad tonight. I am home alone. On the one hand it is a treat. I don't have to cook dinner. I don't have to deal with the girls and their bickering.  I was supposed to go to a Young Widow/ers support group and I bent myself inside out and backwards to make plans for today. I am trying to finish my work project and the babysitter cancelled, and the girls both start basketball practice tonight in different locations at the same time. Of course the widow/ers group had to also be on Wednesdays at the same time as the practices.  So I sucked it up and asked loads of people for help and made the arrangements and guess what? The meeting is cancelled.

I was looking forward to going to the meeting but in the end I am not disappointed. It is a far drive and I am fine with staying home. I should probably do more work but instead I am writing and then I am going to sit on the couch and read a book (!) until the girls get dropped off.  My friend who was going to be here when the girls got home and put them to bed for me offered to come over but I am not fit for company.

I am so heavily sad. Tomorrow I am meeting a child psychologist because La Prima (first daughter-that was the code name Ron and I used for her until she wised up and realized we were talking about her) is having a rough time.  She (9 yrs old)  is angry and the anger manifests in long periods of agitation and fury directed mostly at her sister and also at me. I have been angry and frustrated because of her rotten and difficult behavior. I couldn't see past myself and my own lack of thick skin.  I was looking at the doctor's impressive website and her list of publications about children and grieving and my anger turned into sadness. My baby lost her father and she is in pain. It was bad already that I needed to join a support group (WTF? I never thought I would) but now it is worse. My child hurts and I don't know how to help her.

I used to think about the charmed life that my children led. Two parents with a good marriage with complementary strengths, a comfortable life style, lots of relatives that love them, and pretty much any and all of their needs met with not much effort. I wondered about the life bumps that would shape them. News flash: first significant life issue identified. They still have me, they have their relatives and yes, that counts but that is the total of what exists for them now.  I have high hopes that this doctor can help her, help us. I hope I am not expecting too much.  I am not afraid to seek out professional help, I don't feel shame or embarrassment. I am glad to have resources available to me. What I feel is anger transformed to deep sadness that she/they/we need help because we don't have Ron.  The sadness is coupled with fear because I don't know what kind of life I will be able to give them alone. 7 months later I still think: where is my husband/where is their father!!!??!!

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Comment by Mariposa on September 4, 2013 at 3:55pm

The death of a father or mother is so hard on a child, and bravo to you for seeking help. My son was just 13 when he lost his father and at first he would not talk about it.  Then, in the first summer after his father's death, finally the anger came. Anger is a secondary emotion and beneath it was the grief. We worked through it with the help of a peer bereavement group.  The anger has subsided, but does surface at certain times, and that is when  I know my son needs support.  All the best to you as a you widow and only parent.

~Mariposa

Comment by Ava on January 11, 2013 at 8:04pm

I too worry about my children, especially younger ones 16 and 13 years old.  My oldest daughter, who is almost 22 has a new life ahead of her.  My heart breaks for my son, who is 13. John, my husband was amazing.  he had PHD in English literature, knew classical music, prairie flowers, history of our town, many others amazing and silly things. He did not know anything about pancreatic cancer though..

I miss him every day. I go to widow/ers group but how do you fill that void>

Comment by MissingRKK on January 10, 2013 at 11:36am

Thank you for your responses.  I so appreciate it. I will check out the book you recommend, Madison.

Hugs to all.

Comment by madison81 on January 10, 2013 at 6:04am

Carrie:

So sorry for your shitty night, it seems that the universe is aligning in in way that just mocks us right now, that which we used (before all this shit) to be able to manage is so amplified.  It is so overwhelming to realize that we are now single parents.  My kids are older then yours(girl and boy), but I can't help worrying about the effect of not having their father's wisdom and spirit to guide them into adulthood.  My son, just 18, becoming a "man" without his father is particularly upsetting.  Yes, they have other adult men in their lives, friends uncles etc, but my husband was a unique presence in this world, his absence leaves a vast divide.We too recognized our charmed life, we have all been battled and bruised, as a mother, to see our children endure this type of loss, deal with their grief as well as our own is...well there are no words.... I wanted to recommend a book to you, that I found rather helpful, but more importantly a hopeful view of what happens to  a child growing up, living through the death of a parent.  "The Loss that is Forever"  Maxine Harris, PhD,  (author is actually the wife of my husband's boss), she has a lot of experience with grief therapy, and is apparently quite adept.  Check it out, for it proved to me that what is important here is that the surviving parent is present and still parenting.....all of those things you are obviously doing for your girls, not easily for you however, glad your girls started BBall, maybe its ok to pick up with young widow group after bball is over, and take a wed night break for yourself?  Hope today's appointment goes well for your daughter,and relieves some of your stress. thinking of you

pam

Comment by Morgana (Janet) on January 9, 2013 at 8:25pm

So sorry MissingRkk. It does get easier for both you and the children.  Be gentle with yourself and hopefully teach the children to be gente with themselves as well.  It is a hard roller coaster ride but we come out of it a better person.

Comment by laym1 (Lori) on January 9, 2013 at 3:43pm
Sorry you missed your support group, I have not found the courage to go to one yet. I am at home alone every night. I miss cooking for someone, my kids are older and usually don't want to eat what I make.

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