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So yesterday marked the 1 year mark.  With the hype that family and friends seemed to be having with it, I would have thought it would have had some meaning to me.  Really it didn't.  I did do something we often did together and went for an 8 mile light hike.  I listened to a book on tape as I cruised through the trail and the only thing that was odd was that I didn't take one picture, I just walked.   As I walked I pictured my wife on the trail a few times but I wasn't all emotional or distressed, I just cruised alone and thought of us doing this if she was still around.  I then thought of the man and woman who had to be at least in their late 60s if not in their 70s who used to walk around the street near us.  My wife and I would go walk to the pharmacy each Sunday to buy a newspaper.  We would often see them on the sidewalk ahead of us and would cruise past them.  I used to comment that one day it would be us doing that and some other young couple cruising by.  Recently I had noticed the old man walking alone, and I have a feeling he has joined me in the world alone since it has been several months now at least since I have seen the two of them walking.  I had considered saying hello to him once, but who am I to intrude on his time? 

While yesterday didn't really hold any real escalated meaning, I mean really how could it, I couldn't miss my wife any more than I do today, or I did a week ago or a month ago, I did wake up on Saturday to my brain playing with me.  I haven't listened to music really for the last year.  I could likely count on my hands the number of times in the last year that I have listened to music alone, not part of watching a movie or TV.  I haven't listened to music for the last month at least.  It all holds too much meaning.  But on Saturday, I woke up to the song All for Leyna from Billy Joel going through my head.  I recognized the song's melody in my brain but couldn't think where I may have heard it in the last few years.  I do own the CD with this song, but I haven't played it for a long time.  It isn't in any of my playlists.  But when I started to think of the song, it dawned on me that perhaps my subconscious was trying to tell me something.  Perhaps I am coming to the point where my brain is telling me that my isolation is unhealthy.  The song speaks of an unhealthy relationship with a woman, now I am not being drawn toward the third rail or anything and I am not a surfer worried about rocks, but still the fact that I have given up so much of who I am to just constantly think of my wife is likely not healthy. 

I don't know that my brain hinting at this is going to change me in any way.  I will still miss my wife tomorrow as much as today, but perhaps I will try to take a step a little further out of my current circle.  Try to widen things a little.  Today marks the first day in the last year that I have baked something.  I was a person who would bake at least 2 to 3 times a month.  But since my wife got really sick in October, I hadn't baked a single thing.  Small steps at a time, that is what I have to keep reminding myself.  Take a few small steps, if i need to, I can always back up a little bit and pause for a while again.  As long as I keep a trend of moving forward, then this is a good thing. 

Anyway, I have to at least say, that I am happy that the 1 year mark, for me at least, was anticlimactic.  I am not sure what would have happened if it wasn't.   

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Comment by Miss Em (Emma) on November 13, 2018 at 2:17pm

Thank you for your Blog Tony. I always read them. I can relate to a lot of your words. Thanks

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