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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Holding hard on a Sunday morning. 
Rotting at the core
Not so dang strong anymore
Just sad
Sad to the core
Hard to get it going
Hard to know why
Hard to find the enthusiasm
To even try
Not sure what I'm doing here,
Or why it feels so blank
Losing zest for living more
How ironic as I know
My baby would have loved
to have lived
More more more
But now he's gone,
And I'm lost
Just lost
Just so lost
More than three years since he left me
And no sunlight reaches me
I try I fake it I do my best
But what was alive in me has been killed
Hard to start the day
Hard to endure it
Hard to end it
Please, come to me in dreams, darling, more
Please, let us live there together
I just can't do this
I just can't do this
I just am not good at this, as you can see

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Comment by Cristina on February 24, 2015 at 6:09am

Thanks, you guys....only just now reading these last two posts.  You help me so much.  I am doing better, in general, through the help of close friends and mediums and my beloved Billie always beside me, with me, in me, it gets a little bit easier. So kind of you, Jocelyn, to invite me to say five things positive about myself.  Gosh, kind of hard to do, for some reason.  Not used to that kind of thing, I guess.  Um,

1. I haven't given up yet.

2. My eyes are tuned to beauty.

3. I have lots of good friends, and find new ones not infrequently, mostly through music.

4. I try to be there for my people.  People know they can trust me.

5. I love my Billie with all my heart and soul.  And he knows it, and I know he still loves me with all of his.  We are still in a relationship, we are still completely bonded. 

Hmm.  That felt kind of good.  Not as embarrassing as I thought.  Thanks, Jocelyn, you are always shining a light on things for me.  Thank you, everyone, for your kind words, understanding, and encouragement.  Wishing us all more and more peace, and the knowledge of everlasting, undimmed love. Billie told me through my medium recently that our marriage will only get better on the Other Side.  How awesome is that? I can't imagine a better marriage! It will be great though to be freed from the health issues that plagued us.  So, there.  Meanwhile I'll try to walk my days with some balance, as Billie did.  He is my inspiration. 

Comment by missmyhunny on September 8, 2014 at 1:49am

Cristina, Love your poem. It speaks so well from the heart as to what grief is all about. Not negative, just keeping it real, Thankyou.

Comment by alwayshopeful (Jocelyn) on September 3, 2014 at 4:48pm

Christina. Your posting is NOT too negative. It is most likely what so many of us were already thinking. Please keep talking to us. Somehow, I didn't see it until tonight. My computer crashed and I was out of touch for several weeks, except what I could do on my miserable old laptop. 

YOU CAN DO THIS!! I know how much you love your music, nature and peace. Let your light shine, Christina. It is still in you, dear friend. Just baby steps of sunshine in your heart again. You know that Billie does not want you to be sad. Live your life as fully as you can until you are reunited again with him, one day, far away. 

When you get a chance, tell me five things that are the absolute best about yourself. I'll start with mine, so you know what I mean.

1.    I'm a happy person. Even after losing my father, special aunts, and the love of my life, I am choosing to be happy again. 

2.     I'm very loyal to my family and friends. If someone is in my heart, it is forever. I'm a great friend! 

3.     I love the beach. The constant motion and sounds of the waves soothe me, the sand between my toes relaxes me and the sun on my face fills my soul with peace. 

4.     I'm a good daughter. I go to see my mother almost every week and do the best that I can for her. 

5.     I'm learning to be a good potter! Not sure if I ever will be a great potter, but I'm determined, if nothing else. 

Tag, you're it, tell me some good things about you! 

Comment by Cristina on August 30, 2014 at 9:40am

Petal, thank you for your encouragement, to still put these kinds of thoughts out here.  Even full of loss.  This place, WV, is so fine....we can encourage when we have it in us, and we can weep openly when we need to.  So important to be witnesses, for each other.  It really does help. 

Comment by Petal on August 29, 2014 at 8:37pm

Hey Cristina,

I just saw your poem. I feel this same way.  You said it so beautifully. I copied it and saved it in my folder of writings that are meaningful to me.  Thank you for expressing what I can't.  Love ya!

Comment by Cristina on August 27, 2014 at 7:54am

Thank you all, so much.  Now I have to go have a cry.  Wishing us all better days. 

Comment by Dave55 on August 26, 2014 at 5:22pm
Hugs Cristina. Your just saying what many or most of us are feeling. I noticed that the blogs don't get as many comments as the groups or forums so not to worry.
Comment by Doug02122014 on August 26, 2014 at 5:20pm

No apologies needed for me. In my opinion post as you will or need to. I love this site because here we don't have to sugar coat how we are feeling. I do enough sugar coating on the street. At least here most people "Get It"; I've only encountered a few on Widville that should get it and have yet to find a compassionate bone in their body.

I can relate to a lot of your feelings from time to time now. It wasn't that long ago I lived everything you said daily as if I were in some sick version of "Groundhog Day". Thankfully my grief journey isn't as raw as it once was. BUT, my year of firsts isn't up yet. I still have all the big holidays to go, our birthdays, and wedding anniversary. So check back in with me later and see if I'm still feeling this good. I bet not.

Take care, and don't ever sugar coat anything you say to me because it's an injustice to you and me both. I get as much benefit hearing others pain, sharing a tear with them on the phone sometimes ad I do sharing small victories.

Comment by eliana on August 26, 2014 at 5:19pm

Cristina, please do not worry about your post.  I imagine all of us can relate to this sadness, this aching on some level ... even if we could not express it so eloquently.

Comment by Cristina on August 26, 2014 at 4:42pm

God, somebody say something.  Is this so awful I should just take it down?  I'm beginning to feel guilty about posting it, but sometimes this is the only place I can admit my true feelings.  I don't want to hurt anyone with my own angst, though.  Sorry if this is too negative.  It helped to put it in writing. 

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