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Tomorrow will be 3 weeks that my Billy died suddenly at our son's wedding.  Went through the wake two weekends ago, went to our nephew's wedding last weekend, which was very hard for our grown children but they went (they left early but went), got a new grand-son born yesterday.  Today is the burial of the cremated remains or whatever they called this box with what is no longer my husband in it.  It's in my car trunk, I can't even relate to it as part of him, he's gone and not in it.

I thought I was doing fairly good, but the past few days I think I'm going down hill.  Knowing our grand-son was about to be born and that my Billy wouldn't be there to see him, he was looking so very forward of this birth.  I am very fortunate that I have great friends and family who are there for me, I don't know how I'd get by without them all.

what I think is happening is that the shock and numbness is wearing out.  I cry at small things, and worried of what is going to happen when faced with bigger things that I would have leaned on him to cope with. 

What really suck is that finally the youngest had moved out, it was just Bill and I, and we became sweethearts all over again, so happy to be with each other for once as a couple instead of parents.  I am greatful that the past 3 years we did several cruises, not waiting for his retirement.  The next one was for early this November to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary which was early September, but we couldn't celebrate then, because of the two weddings two weeks apart.  I had to cancel the cruise, they wouldn't let me transfer my own ticket, only his.  I lost half, but I just couldn't do it with someone else.  I don't know if I can ever cruise again, it was "our" thing.


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Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on October 21, 2013 at 6:10pm

Sophinette, I am so sorry.  This is such a difficult thing to go through. Do not expect yourself to "do well" when you have just lost the love of your life and your whole world has been turned upside down and inside out.  I recall telling someone that it felt like when I looked out the window that the trees were growing upside down. Nothing was right anymore and it felt that the pain in my heart would never, ever get any better. Some days are still difficult, but I have found a way to move forward (notice i did not say "move on" because that implies leaving Paul behind somewhere) I move forward with my life, but I take my love for him and my memories with me.  Give yourself time, treat yourself with gentleness. And well...if you have to call someone an ugly name because they are treating you badly when you already feel just about as horrible as you can..and they have NO IDEA what real suffering is...well, hey..I say give that b*&%h a reality check!  (((HUGS))  I so wish I had a way to make this easier..but I don't.  It hurts real bad, but it does get easier to cope and coming here and talking about it really, really, helps.  Love, Ali

Comment by Sophinette on October 19, 2013 at 4:11pm

Thank you Liz, I am leaking at the seams.  Sometime I think that I am fine and I am not.  I will have to be very careful.  Today I left the house thinking I was okay, went to the drugstore to pick up a med the doc prescribed me for anxiety.  The lady at the pharmacy was very short and moody because it was 10 minutes before her hour break.  I asked her why she was angry (something was wrong with my medical insurance because of the death) and she snap again.  I walked away teary, then went charging back at her this time telling her that she should be nicer to people and called her an ugly name.  I have never done that before in my 51 years life, not in their face anyway.  This isn't me.  I left a note apologizing before leaving.  All that rambling to say that I should have never left the house today, I really thought I was okay and I wasn't.

Comment by Sophinette on October 18, 2013 at 3:55pm

Thank you so very much LauraJay and Phyllis for your insight and kind words.  The burial part today was actually way harder than the wake.  The wake had so many people going by that my head was spinning.  This I didn't expect.  It was a military service with the gun salute, short in comparasion to the wake, but way more dramatic, I couldn't stop crying, and so did everyone sitting behind me.  At the wake I was sedated, but didn't bother for this since it was going to be only a 30 minutes or so and really thought I'd be fine.  Thank God we all went out to eat after and that was real nice.

Funny you mention doing "Don's Jobs" Phillis, today I did a Bill's Job, an easy one but still his, which was setting up bird feeders for the upcoming winter.  I bought the food for them and put them in for "his" birds, then sprinkled some on the side yard for his wild turkeys so that they'll come for the winter.  But it was an easy "Bill's Job".  I'm going to have a garage winterize my car for this time, Bill did that, until I learn what I'm supposed to do.  I just don't want to keep buggy my sons, they are helping already so much.


Comment by laurajay on October 18, 2013 at 11:38am

dearest   sophinette,   How can I  let you know how normal your feelings and reactions are to your horrible loss and the newness of it.  The pain is raw.  fierce. impossible to understand right now.  All of this is part of the job of being a survivor when your spouse dies. It is the hardest thing you will ever do.  We are here for your.  Come often, to read, chat, post  whatever.  Feel free to go to my blog and read the one entitled  Sing a Baby to Sleep.   You have a new life in your family and babies need all the love we can give them.  Do that with your love for now.   many prayers your way.  laurajay

Comment by Phyllis on October 18, 2013 at 8:45am

Sophinette, I am so sorry for your loss.  You are still raw from Billy's death, but you articulated what occurred very clearly.  I know how you feel about not knowing what you would do without family and friends.  I am fortunate in that regard also.  They are invaluable.  Take advantage of any help they offer, and don't be afraid to ask for help.  Nobody knows what to do to help you through this, and they are more than willing to do anything they can.  My husband died August 14, 2012, and I still have days when I can't believe Don is gone.  But I am getting my life together.  Unlike Billy, Don was sick for 11 months prior to passing.  I don't know how I would be doing if his was a sudden death.  Like you, Don and I were starting a second phase of our lives.  I had been retired, and he got sick on his last day of work.  We were going to do all kinds of things that we had been putting off, but it was not to be.  Know that you are stronger than you think; I had no idea I would and could do "Don's jobs".  For everything I had to do myself, my confidence in myself and the fact that I will get through this grew.  Give yourself time to grieve.  And don't be afraid to reach out for help.  Good luck and take care.

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