I still wake up and feel like I’m stuck in the wrong timeline, like a Star Trek episode. Something isn’t right about this timeline, and I have to find my way back to the “right” timeline so history will go on the way it is supposed to go. In Star Trek, the character refuses to accept the new timeline, even when people think he is crazy. But in my case, I don’t have a time machine or Spock to make one for me. I may be stuck here.
My brain, my body, every fiber of my being wants to find the “right” timeline – the one where I get to wake up every morning with Alan, greet him when he comes home from work, go on camping trips and vacations with him, and grow old with him. The timeline where he gets to see the amazing woman his daughter is becoming, and where he gets to know what happens in season 7 of The Walking Dead.
How do I get back to this timeline? What secret base do I need to break into to get the secret ingredient to a jury-rigged time machine? How long do I need to wish and think and believe to make it possible?
I don’t want to accept this timeline. I don’t want to give up and acquiesce to this lesser version of history. I squash that part of me that says that it will get easier if I just accept it and move forward. I resist, even though resistance is futile. It is futile, but I do it anyway. Because this is the wrong timeline.