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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I still wake up and feel like I’m stuck in the wrong timeline, like a Star Trek episode. Something isn’t right about this timeline, and I have to find my way back to the “right” timeline so history will go on the way it is supposed to go. In Star Trek, the character refuses to accept the new timeline, even when people think he is crazy. But in my case, I don’t have a time machine or Spock to make one for me. I may be stuck here.

My brain, my body, every fiber of my being wants to find the “right” timeline – the one where I get to wake up every morning with Alan, greet him when he comes home from work, go on camping trips and vacations with him, and grow old with him.  The timeline where he gets to see the amazing woman his daughter is becoming, and where he gets to know what happens in season 7 of The Walking Dead.

How do I get back to this timeline? What secret base do I need to break into to get the secret ingredient to a jury-rigged time machine? How long do I need to wish and think and believe to make it possible?

I don’t want to accept this timeline. I don’t want to give up and acquiesce to this lesser version of history. I squash that part of me that says that it will get easier if I just accept it and move forward. I resist, even though resistance is futile. It is futile, but I do it anyway. Because this is the wrong timeline.

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Comment by Maggie on May 19, 2017 at 3:08am
It's odd that I saw this post because I don't ordinarily come here, but to just the groups I belong to. But I've been thinking the exact thing lately about alternative universes or timelines. It's been four years for me and these thoughts have only occurred recently. I know they aren't true, but it seems I'm not suppose to really be here ( I moved a year ago and am trying to start a new life). I feel something is wrong and somewhere my husband is still alive and we are still living back where I just moved from and he never died. Somehow I skipped over into a parred universe that is all wrong. But how do I get back? Will I die and then wake up and all will be right again? It's an odd feeling. I just never saw anyone express this before and here it was. Irony?
Comment by iunderthefarmhouse on April 25, 2017 at 3:07am

Sherry, this post made me laugh and cry at the same time. My husband was a Trekkie, and this brought back many fond memories of watching Star Trek together (the original, although my favorite was the Next Generation- Jean Luc had such a great accent, and what diction!) I still talk to Morris every day, and every minute of every hour I miss him more. 

Thanks for this post, it's incredibly well written and funny, too!If I didn't have the ability to laugh, I would have lost my mind about 10 months ago. My faith in the goodness of the Universe has been destroyed, of course. I keep coming back here to WV like a moth to a flame. I can tell you that I'm not as incapacitated by grief at 14 months as I was at 6 months. Now it's more like a dull ache. I wish you peace today. Take care of yourself, you're worth it. 

Comment by Callie2 on April 24, 2017 at 4:30pm
Interesting thought. Wish we could do that! Grieving is so hard--on top of horrible gut-wrenching pain are our minds that seem to go in all directions. One part tells us this is real but it takes the other part longer. Maybe thinking if we deny it, it isn't so? We do have to accept it eventually, or at least make peace with it. That comes in time. We don't have to stop loving them (ever). The memories will one day not be quite so sad and will be cherished, even sweet. For awhile, there will be a lot of bumps in the road but you will get there.
Comment by laurajay on April 24, 2017 at 11:27am

Your time line  has NOT changed!   His has.  We are born...we live...then we die.  All part of each of our timelines  but all different!  You miss not paralleling  with him...not having him traveling with you  but your position has not changed.  His death here on earth  completes his earthly timeline and his faith determines what is happening to his spirit now....BUT   your  experience is  different.   Give it time.  Lots of time. And keep going one step at a time long your personal path here on earth.   It will not always  feel like  the Twilight Zone.       

Comment by Jessica on April 23, 2017 at 1:17pm

If you find out, will you please tell me?

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